Hi
I first posted this in AIBU (no idea why really!). Someone suggest I post it here.
This is probably the wrong place to post this but wasn’t really sure where to post it. Have been thinking about posting on here for days. And sorry it will probably end up long
AIBU to feel absolutely shit at the moment? Am I overreacting? Do I just need to get the f**k on with things and remind myself of how grateful I am to have what I have, good job, home, no life threatening health problems.
The last 15 year have been very tough and, at times, very very very lonely. I often think ‘what the hell is my purpose in life?’ People tell me ‘you’re a great friend’ etc etc and that is great but that is something for them.
Always wanted to be a mum, always. Horrendous endometriosis and several surgeries ripped me of any fertility.
IVF was the only option to get pregnant. Over the last 15 years I have actually done IVF with two men. That sounds really bad when written down but I am no floozy! These were serious relationships where we were living together etc. The killer is both relationships ended disastrously and in pretty similar circumstances (although the men involved couldn’t have been more different personalities/types). They both ended by me being dumped either in the middle of, or immediately after failed IVF. Not sure I will ever get my head round all of that as long as I live. No matter how much the logical side of my brain can look at everything that happened and know I wasn’t at fault, the damaged/emotional side struggles.
Anyway that was all over 8 years ago now.
After years of carefully thinking about it I decided to proceed with adoption on my own. I was matched with a perfect little girl and had introductions during lockdown. However, it catastrophically fell apart and didn’t proceed (that decision was taken out of my hands). I was so ready for it, both practically and emotionally (or so I thought), had spent so much time and money getting my house really for this little girl. Was so excited. Then, out of the blue, I ended up suffering with uncontrollable anxiety during the intros and it fell apart. The whole story would take 10 pages to explain properly. I should add that, whilst getting over those past 2 relationships was very hard, I have never suffered with mental health issues/anxiety etc.
I think what happened was an extreme reaction to the intros after being basically at home alone for 12 weeks of lockdown (working), then thrown into an extreme few days, 2 hours away from home etc etc. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. So after 15 years of struggling to be a mum, all the shit that happened, I was handed this amazing opportunity on a plate and I blew it in the biggest way possible
I do think the adoption placement team were at fault for the process and not recognising the issues of lockdown but that is another story.
So I am left now, 50, single, childless. Not the way I thought my life would ever go. I just don’t really see the point of me? I wouldn’t ever do anything silly but I just don’t see the point of me. Am just so tired from trying to make life work.
Well done if you got this far.