I’m lonely. I’m having suicidal thoughts on and off, sometimes I think I’m actually ok and feel like I’ve got myself together and feel almost happy and normal and then it comes back. I can’t stop reading stuff about Caroline Flack and the inquest of her death and the details and just thinking and thinking about it. I wasn’t a huge fan and I never usually read any celeb gossip. I feel obsessed with suicide. Sometimes feels like the only reason I don’t is because I know it would hurt my parents so much. But sometimes the thoughts are so strong and then the next day I wake up and I’m fine and I go about my day like normal and then they come back. I’m on antidepressants have been for a while, tried different ones, all seem to work for a while then don’t. I made an appointment with my therapist this week to see her to talk about it because I don’t want to tell anyone I know, I hate the pity, the sympathy, especially from those who don’t show they care at all until I’m in a really bad place. Which might not get so bad if people cared more generally.
Makes me think of something I saw... everyone cares about mental illness when some dies by suicide, but until then it’s just the odd quote on Facebook and sharing a helpline number.
Do I just convince myself Im ok and that’s why I feel happy sometimes and it doesnt last because I’m not happy and just lying to myself? I’m sick of coming back to this feeling.