Feeling very isolated

[morethanmeetstheeye]

I've realised this week that I'm really feeling very down and am trying to find proactive ways to help myself.

The whole lockdown thing has affected me far more than I thought it had as it's brought back some very low feelings that I've dealt with before.

I'm extremely clinically vulnerable and the shielding has been difficult as I've not seen anyone outside my household until recently. But what I've really noticed is that it's me making all the effort to contact/phone/FaceTime people and it's really not reciprocated that much.

It's a very clear case of out of sight/out of mind and it's starting to really hurt. I've had to deal with this in the past when I had severe pre and postnatal medical issues and I could honestly count on one hand the people that were there for me.

It's making me start to seriously question myself. Am I a nice person? I really think I am - I'm very friendly and will do anything I can for others but I don't feel I'm getting any back.

I'm in a tricky relationship situation as well right now and I really thought my friends would be checking in on me at least a little bit they haven't. I know it's been hard over the past few months but if I knew a friend was going through something I'd try to be there for them with a text/call/supportive voice. Anything I could, really.

I think coming out of this that I might need to focus on starting again. I thought I had good friends but it looks as if I was wrong. It's horrible.

@morethanmeetstheeye I could have written your post. It is a really, really tough feeling and chances are we are both lovely people and fab friends. It's just shit timing and people are in survival mode and inherently a bit selfish and thoughtless.

To find yourself in a pandemic and realise shit, I've got no good friends is such a painful experience. I know loads of people but when I start to really break it down exactly how I socialised before and how everything fitted together, I can see they weren't as invested as me and in some cases we were thrown together through shared clubs or whatever. Now that has stopped, there is nothing really there and people aren't reaching out.

I just wanted to say I understand and I was going to start a similar thread. It really hurts. It probably isn't you - it's just that being a fairly kind, giving person you were probably the person people leaned on before and some friends like that don't always stop and think 'Oh, I wonder if X is doing okay, actually? I should make some time for her and check that's she's alright/arrange to meet up or chat'.

This situation has massively damaged my trust in humans in general and in my so called friends. They aren't bad people at all but are not remotely as close as I thought they were.
I hope we both manage to make nice new friends after the dust settles a bit.

I could hug you @RhubarbTea . It's truly a horrible thing to deal with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I think mine's made worse by a marriage breakdown (still happening) and the fact that both my parents are suddenly very old and very ill. It's just very very hard.

Hopefully we'll come out of all of this much stronger xxxx

Just found out for definite via the joys of FB showing off that they're all having a lovely jolly party today. Fuck them :(

I could cry reading your post, it’s a horrible feeling. You’re a good person, you treat others with care and respect, support them when they need it and to find they don’t treat you the same is very hard.
Like you I’ve always been the proactive person, keeping in touch, organising things, supporting my friends at difficult times but when I’ve needed them the most they just haven’t been there. I went through a cancer diagnosis and surgery last year and I’m so hurt they didn’t feel they could be the friends I really needed.
I’m having counselling to deal with last years trauma but a huge part of that is my self esteem. My friends treating me like they have has just added to how low I feel.
There are decent friends out there so don’t give up on everyone.

Same here. It's made me realise the only person I can rely on is myself and my OH. Even when we needed to self isolate noone offered to drop off some milk or anything. Its rubbish, but made me realise how much time I used to spend pleasing other people that weren't important

So sorry to hear they are all getting together in a group. The same thing happened to me, my further afiled frineds from the next county all met up with zero social distancing and emailed photos in a round robin to the whole friendship group. One of them was supposed to be having a zoom chat with me the eve the pics were taken but cancelled as she said she was tired and feeling a bit down. I replied really kindly and supportively, which she ignored. Then I saw the photos. It felt like a punch in the stomach. She didn't even mention one of the friends had been staying at her house for the weekend! I know I'm out of county but it would have been nice to have been asked (and not lied to... dicks).

I'm wondering whether we can all somehow frame this in a positive way, in the sense that if these people were always a bit shallow and not true friends, is it better to know? At bit like when a woman's partner is cheating. I think I'd rather know, so I can move on and not bother with people who don't really care about me that much.
But it hurts to realise it for the first time

I've had this happen a few times in my life, so I must be chasing friendships with people who really don't care and being overly accommodating. I need to stop doing that! No idea how...

@July56 I'm so so sorry to hear about what you've been through and the lack of friendship support you've had. That's really bad and you deserve better.

I think in times of illness in particular people seem to show their true colours, which can be very difficult

I hope you get better friends and ones that will actually be there for you xx

@Hannah2199

I've had the same issues. People who were literally driving past my house to and from the shops didn't think once to check if they could help. So frustrating as we've had car issues which I made very clear on FB in the vague hope that someone might pick up a hint. But no...

I'm definitely spending some time re-evaluating just who I'm going to carry on friendships with from this point onwards. I let a lot of shitty behaviours slide after the times I was sick as (if I'm being honest) I was scared to lose any 'friendships' as I need things to cling onto.

I'm mostly in a much stronger mental position now than I was (despite all the personal/family issues I've got going on) and I've realised I don't need that kind of behaviour. Still hurts though.

@RhubarbTea Oh that's just shitty. Being lied to is horrible and it really hurts. I've just had that happen to me. Spoke to one of the 'friends' on the phone and at no point during quite a lengthy conversation did she mention the party. Not once. I have her so many opportunities, creating leading 'having a good weekend?' type questions and nothing. She called me as well, so I'm not too sure what the motive was behind that but I just wanted to scream.

But I think you're right. Whilst it sucks, I'd much rather know. Then at least I can discount them in my head and try to mentally move myself away from it all as it's not doing me any favours.

@RhubarbTea I'm not too sure either how we stop ending up friends with people who treat us this way.