Hi this is the first thread I've ever posted please be kind.
I have an 11 month old baby she is wonderful.
I've been on antidepressants since I was 18, which was around 5 years ago for severe anxiety and depression that I'd suffered with for most of my adolescence, and they made everything better. Overnight I felt like a different person and was able to restart my life.
On paper you could say I've had a difficult year. I say on paper because I didn't feel I was going through a hard time at the time I think I suppressed everything going on for the sake of keeping myself healthy for my daughter.
The father of my daughter was very manipulative and emotionally abusive he would also physically stop me leaving the house or steal my phone to stop me asking for help. I became a single mother a month after my daughter was born because her father (boyfriend at the time) started to threaten to take her away from me if I disobeyed him, I'd had a c section and he didn't believe I couldn't move much or do chores so when I'd struggle to put washing out and things he wouldn't be happy. I knew for our health and happiness he had to go. Since then I've been threatened with court to take my child (I don't stop him seeing her I just don't let him have her live with him full time) from me. had abusive phone calls from his family members a lot of drama that goes hand in hand with a separation basically. He would come to pick my daughter up for visitation and tell me he knew where I'd been going he'd know about any plans I'd made to this day I don't know how he found out all these things about me but it made me paranoid and frightened. During this time I didn't feel any depression or anxiety Infact I felt on top of the world for leaving him and again restarting my life with my baby and it was the best decision to leave him. But I'm starting to think back to that time and I remember thinking he was spying on me I'd take pictures of cars outside my house thinking people were watching the house I was convinced he was secretly plotting against me and trying to take my baby. Despite this I didn't feel I was suffering or having a hard time at all which I now think perhaps isn't normal considering I was caring for a newborn alone sleep deprived and still being manipulated and threatened, I've started to wonder if I suppressed all the stress at the time because as a mother I needed to survive for my baby. since our relationship coparenting has improved and can have chats when we see each other he now has a new partner so Hes moved on from me and she is a very nice girl and I have no bad feeling about their relationship at all. I too have started a relationship which is going very well and I finally feel I'm with someone who hasn't got blaring red flags and someone who is sensible and I could have a really happy life with. (I'm aware it may seem I've moved on very quick but like I said I felt ready to hit the ground running and give me and my daughter the best life ever and was excited to start again)
However very suddenly my mental health had taken a nose dive. I can't think of any trigger or why this could have happened. But every day I'm in a constant state of worry and fear and anxiety I often think if I didn't have my daughter I could not be here and let the worry go and let my family and friends be happy without me being a burden to them. I would never harm myself I could never leave my daughter but I'm suddenly so depressed and dark thoughts have taken over me and I don't know why.
I've called the gp who has increased my dosage of medication temporarily to see if it helps. So the reason I've posted this message is to find out if anyone can maybe look at my situation from an outside perspective and maybe if this could be postnatal depression? I don't think it is because it feels a bit late but I have heard you can experience it up to a year after the birth.
I'm so sorry this post has been so long please be kind I see negativity towards people on here at times so please if you're going to send anything nasty I beg you not too I don't know if I could cope with reading bad comments I know some will say I shouldn't post here if I'm not willing to get criticism but I honestly have no one to talk too about this.
Thank you so much for reading I hope anyone reading this is in a happy place and I wish you all the best in this crazy time x