If you've been messed up for your whole life were you able to change

[amifixable]

I had an extremely traumatic childhood and early adulthood. Think very very extreme domestic violence in childhood to the point of a parent being killed when I was a young teen and then in early adulthood repeated domestic abuse.

My whole life has been marred by it and I am terrified that the way I am has caused emotional damage to my own kids now .

The GP and psychotherapy say I have PTSD and anxiety and flashbacks, panic attacks.

I struggle with anxiety mostly surrounding anything happening to my kids. I am a 'helicopter parent'. I try so hard not to cause them to miss out on stuff cause of me and mostly succeed but sometimes don't.

On the other hand, I find myself having very little patience with them, I can't handle loud noise and snap at them a lot. Sometimes I just can't deal with anyone and hide in my room. They've also been witness to a lot of my anxiety over the years. I can't seem to 'adult' enough to hide it from them. I will do stuff like talk to my friend on the phone in great detail about fears and anxiety even if they can hear. Then afterwards think why the hell did I do that. It's like I've no sense of 'normal' or 'adult'. I'm ashamed to admit that when I had a complete breakdown earlier this year, I couldn't do anything, getting out of bed was so hard, and my daughter (mid teens) had to do most of the housework and meal prep . My younger son's behaviour has been really bad recently and I think it could be related. He at times refuses to do what he's asked ie school work, switching off x box, and he will have a complete meltdown shouting screaming etc and I'm struggling to cope with that. My kids never experienced any domestic violence (it happened before they were born and not with their father). Their father is - like me - not a good parent either sadly. He's an alcoholic, irresponsible re his bills and pays no maintenance and gets his family to do a lot of childcare when he has them and he is demanding of them ie he puts a lot of pressure on them to succeed academically because he didn't. At least he doesn't show his mental health issues to them like me.

I love them so so much but I think I've damaged them .

Now they are older is it too late, if I could even change.

I also worry about money. I failed uni because of my mental health and couldn't afford to go back now with the changes under UC. I can't do much physical work due to having metal rods in my back and the resulting chronic pain. I maybe need another operation. I don't sleep well and the pain is hard to cope with, GP agrees my condition is very painful but reluctant to give me painkillers cause of my mental health apparently. I'm in a constant battle causing anxiety with the DWP who seem to think I am fit to work full time despite all this and are constantly threatening to sanction me.

I'm not an assertive person at all and having to fight for treatment or money to live on is so difficult for me.

Sorry for the really really long post, I just needed to get it all out there.

Is it even possible to change. My poor children.

My GP issues the fit notes yes, but she is always pressuring me to get back to work, when although I'd love to, I cannot. Not at this time anyway. Every time I need another fit note I get anxious she won't give one.

In a couple of years I am going to lose our house, even if I get full benefits. Unless I can work full time. I'm private renting (no other choice) and so when my daughter is too old for child benefits, I won't be able to make the rent. Their father is always threatening to have them registered as living with him whenever he runs out of money for his drink as well. They stay with him around 3 days a week.

I've been in long term psychotherapy for nearly a decade. It has helped me make some changes and improvements but I guess it's testament to how fucked up I am if I'm still in this place after nearly a decade of psychotherapy.

I'm sorry, I sound like I'm dismissing your lovely reply, I'm really not.

You are right, I need to work up the courage to be more assertive with my GP and the DWP. I literally avoid the GP and the DWP. Dealing with people, especially people who have the power to whether I'm treated or not or have enough money to survive or not, is really difficult for me. I don't trust people.

I need to be a better parent for my kids. I'm scared the damage is already done, they have witnessed my issues all their lives. It's not fair for them. No, there are no SN issues. On the whole they are amazing kids considering everything. My son is beginning to hit puberty and obviously my issues and his father's issues are affecting him too, he's a sensitive child. I do remove the gaming but it only stops the meltdowns if I remove it for the whole day, taking an hour off his time doesn't work. His dad just lets him on it all day, gives lots of sweets and he never misbehaves there so I'm the bad one, and he asks to go there during these meltdowns.

I do things with them like watch films, go places, cook with them, but not often. 80% of days I can't seem to, even though I know I should. It's like I'm scared to be close to them or something. They don't deserve a mother like me

I changed, I grew up with a mentally ill mum and a drug addict for a dad, I went from dysfunctional relationships to the next I was diagnosed with bipolar couldn't deal with the diagnosis went of the rails and ended up homeless injecting amphetamine. That was 4years ago today I have full custody of my kids, own my own house and am clean I'm not the best mum in the world but I'm not the worst, I am stable after working on myself for 2 years I turned it around so can you.