Something's wrong with me

[PumPum45]

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I think I just want to write a post in order to vent my feelings as I can't speak to anyone in real life.

I have a husband and two healthy children, no financial worries, a lovely home, a job, extended family and friends. I've not suffered any sort of abuse or trauma. I'm still miserable. I feel like a non person.

I've always felt like an outsider or someone that people tolerate until someone better comes along. Any little thing I take as confirmation that people don't want me around. For example, today a friend said that she'd been talking to our mutual friend who suggested we all meet up. Now I know that they have conversations outside of our group chat but no one speaks to me outside of our group chat. I know this is ridiculous.

At work I feel like an imposter. Everyone is better than me. They're going to find me out. They laugh at me behind my back.

On top of this I have some relationship issues. I'm not sure how I feel about DH. He's committed, financially stable, hands on with kids and housework, says he loves me etc but I hate being intimate with him and I don't particularly enjoy being around him. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else either. I've always had a tendency to fall into relationships because that person liked me and I felt flattered. I feel so harsh saying this, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened with DH. I never 'fancied' him as such. Not his fault. He has lots of good qualities.

I started off lock down with fun ideas for the kids, determined not to let them on screens all day. Now I want them to choose screens so i can zone out. I don't want to do anything and I wake up every day counting down until I can go back to bed.

Could it be depression?

Have you spoken to gp?

Yes probably. Can't really get to the GP without dragging the kids along. Not sure what they would do anyway. Can't access counselling because of the kids.

Poor you OP, that must be hard. It does sound like depression., especially your last paragraph. But if that has got worse through lockdown, it sounds as if there are several separate issues - how you feel right now, and longer-term things about your confidence and relationships.

Why can’t you speak to anyone in real life - what would happen if you did? You might find friends or family members would understand or support you - do you think you just assume they wouldn’t?

If you can’t though, you can still talk to a gp as depression can be treated and it would be a relief to talk to someone. Counselling might help too.

I often recommend a book on here called A Woman in your Own Right by Anna Dickson. It’s very good for helping you see how you interact with others and showing you how to accept yourself and that you matter. I’d suggest you get that too. But most importantly, if you’re depressed you deserve help and it is there for you, so please see a doctor.

I have had depression and also extreme anxiety, and recovered. I know how hard it can be feeling like you do - but also I know things can improve.

Sorry x-posted. Could you have a phone consultation with gp while kids are playing? How old are they?

Oops it’s Anne not Anna

Thanks for being kind. My mum would worry and annoy me if I spoke to her. Don't want to talk to my DH. I feel that my friendships are very much 'surface' relationships.

I also don't want to talk to someone I know about my relationship. That makes it real. I don't want to separate. I have young children and life would be a lot harder without practical support and money.

I will try and stealthily ring the GP next week. Thanks.

I rung mine and had a chat over the phone and they done a prescription. Is meds something you’d consider?