Why can’t I let go of my past. Please tell me your success stories

[Workinprogress30]

I feel like I am living a lie as I am so consumed by my past in my head that on some days I feel suicidal. I just want it to go away. There have been many nights I have sobbed and sobbed to myself because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be free of it. It is robbing me of so much joy. I know I need help and I am finally getting it. One is trauma therapy the other is counselling for depression. I am not even sure which route I need to go down, so I just wondered if anyone had any experience of these? Did you get a feeling of being ‘free’ of your past and when did that come?
I just have a constant sadness in my heart and I so desperately want it to go away so I can enjoy my life and more importantly, my little girl

I’m really sorry you’re struggling like you are. It’s very difficult to leave things in the past if you haven’t processed it at the time. I’ve found that at some point trauma will come back and cause more problems for you.
You’re doing the right thing to help you move on by seeing the counsellors to help you process it. Unfortunately nothing is quick and will take work on your part which can add to how you’re feeling but will be worth it.
When struggling with things in your head it can be all consuming and I understand what you mean by living a lie. Are you able to talk to any of your friends to support you?
I know things are hard right now but know you’re doing the best you can.

As painful as it is, it sounds like you are moving in a healing direction. I would dispute if you are living a lie though, it sounds to me like you are living honestly in the trauma of your past and the need to be free of it. Lean into what you are processing right now and try and let go of a need to get passed it.

You're doing the right things and will heal over time.

I found this book (he also appears on podcasts and YouTube) very helpful.
g.co/kgs/qsSDxZ

One of the main things he recommends to overcome trauma is yoga, but you would need to find a teacher who understands you and whose teaching is suitable.

Thank you for your kind replies. A few have mentioned that book I will order it today.

@July56 my friends know I am unwell but I don’t go into detail. My dp is trying to be supportive but doesn’t understand either. I feel very alone and scared. I know I need to go through this process in order to heal once and for all. At the moment I am just living for the sake of my daughter. Every day is excruciating and I can’t wait to take my mirtazapine each night so I can get the relief of sleep

How are you today @Workinprogress30 ? I’m sorry your friends don’t understand. It’s hard for anyone unless they’ve been through the same thing. All that adds to the loneliness. There’s probably nothing they can say but to be listened to without any judgement is a massive help.
I’m having counselling for a health issue I had last year and at times it has completely consumed everything I’ve thought and felt. I’ve lost being able to enjoy anything and at times have felt so distressed by what has happened to me. I’m slowly learning that I have to go through all of that and with help begin to process it. It’s horrible and very hard but I will get through this and so will you. I have thought being able to go to sleep and not wake up and the relief that would bring but it’s just relief from the depression and upset. I don’t really want to die as I don’t want to leave my family. Could it be the distress you’re desperate to escape rather than not being here?
I think you’re doing a huge amount to get through this, I just hope you can see a tiny bit of hope in all this and I’m glad you want to be here for your daughter.
You don’t say how old she is but she needs you so please hold on to that.
It thinking about getting through a day is hard break it down to half a day and if that’s too much, an hour or the next half an hour.
Take care of yourself xx

Thank you @July56 I have an assessment for trauma therapy next week which I feel hopeful about. It is so hard to go through the feelings again, I completely know where you are coming from. But I know that I need to go through it in order to get well. My daughter is nearly 3. I just wish I had done it before she was born. It is so debilitating at times I have struggled to function, but my partner has been amazing. The last 2 days I have felt ever so slightly brighter but I don’t want to jinx it! Maybe my ADs starting to work?

Hi @Workinprogress30 I’m really glad to hear you’ve had a small lift in your mood. Whatever the reason it’s a tiny start. I hope that the trauma counselling is what you need. You sound like you understand it might not be easy so I hope you’ll keep going even when it feels too hard.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, we all should’ve done things at other times but perhaps you wasn’t ready, in which case it wouldn’t have helped and left you feeling more alone, feeling you had no options.

In the last 18 months I’ve had 3 lots of counselling which have helped in their own way, at the time, but it’s only now I’ve had the guts to tell her everything I’m thinking and feeling. Part of that is because I’ve never felt like I do before and I can’t talk to my friends and family for fear of being judged/told I’m ridiculous. They don’t understand the trauma of what I’ve been through, they just see me better and think I should be grateful, why can I not be grateful and upset?? Having your body changed beyond recognition is taking a long time to come to terms with.

As I said before it sounds like you’re doing a huge amount to get through this so please give yourself some praise for that. I’d love to hear how you get on, take care xx

Please just message me directly if you ever want someone to talk to x

Hey Op.
sorry that you are feeling low and confused about where to go next in terms of therapy.

Looking back and processing the trauma in a safe space can help you live in the present.
It may be tough and be harder to cope with at times. That’s when the best work may be done.
Opening Pandora’s box can bring about all sorts of unwelcome thoughts and feelings.
Stay with this as hard as it may be. an experienced trauma therapist will support and be on the road with you.

If you are able to process the trauma you can then look at the depression, although you may not need to.

Good luck.

Thank you @July56 it is really hard when you are in your head and no one else can understand. You sound like a very strong person and thank you again for your positive experiences with counselling.
@Lacey2019 thank you for being so kind x
@ihatethecold thank you for those words of encouragement, I know this is the right step forward.

I am again feeling a bit more positive today (despite been in a second lockdown area!). Still exhausted but my morning severe anxiety seems to be subsiding which I’m so relived about as that has been one of the hardest things

relieved*