OCD about loving DD

[Hopeandcake]

hi everyone
It’s taken me so much courage to come and write this thread, I hope to find someone who may understand or share similar experiences, and bring some hope

I have a 4 year old DD. So wanted, and so loved throughout the pregnancy. Just before she was born, I started to panic as to wether I would get PND as I had been so anxious during pregnancy about all sorts of things, like what I should eat, fetal movements etc. I started to read about PND and read that sometimes it means you don’t bond with your baby. I started to panic it would happen to me and it lost the plot. I became depressed and felt so anxious all the time, I even had panic attacks for the first time in my life. Long story short, DD was born and I was still a mess. For every moment I’d feel I loved her, the doubt whether I really did would come in and spoil the feeling. I’ve had therapy and been on meds, which has helped in periods, but 4 years on I’m still plagued with this doubt which robs me of experiencing full, Pure joy and love for her every day. And it breaks my heart

First of all, I’m so sorry you’ve been experiencing this. OCD can be so bloody hard at times, exhausting and all consuming. It sounds like your main issue are these intrusive thoughts surrounding your daughter? Have you read much about ocd and intrusive thoughts? If you haven’t, I highly recommend you read up on it. There’s a book in particular called how to overcome intrusive thoughts, all I can remember is the author is called sally something. Have a look on amazon, it’s a game changer.

Secondly, have you been having therapy for this? Or had it in the past? I don’t want to sound patronising or a know it all (as I still experience intrusive thoughts, although nowhere near as much as before) but knowing why we get them and why how we respond to them is what feeds it is vital. ERP therapy is amazing. Exposing yourself to these thoughts. An example would be to say to yourself out loud ‘I don’t love my daughter’ a few times over and over every day, just for five minutes or so. That sounds weird but I bet it helps. When you feel it sneaking in, don’t be scared or stop what you’re doing with her, look adversity in the eye and carry on. Keep going.

There are some great resources online, a great Facebook group called the ocd parents project. Podcasts by the ocd stories, and more but I’ll come back to this once I’ve remembered their names.

One last thing, meditation can be so helpful. If you haven’t tried it, insight timer and headspace are great. Once I remember in a panic I googled ‘meditation for intrusive thoughts’ and found an amazing one on YouTube.

Please keep talking on here, so many of us know what you’re going through. Get rid of the shame and put yourself first. No one will judge you. Thoughts are not you x

Thank you so much for your reply @abitfunny

I think what’s been very hard has been to find this type of ocd anywhere in the literature/web etc. It doesn’t fit with the standard contamination/harm/simmetry/homosexualy etc ocd types which makes it a lot easier for the doubt “it’s not ocd, it’s not intrusive thoughts, there is something wrong with you and you don’t love your daughter” to sneak in and choke me. I have read about relational ocd which sounds very very similar but again I’ve never seen it about own children. The doubt about it being ocd (which I know is part of the disorder itself!!) makes it harder for me to really tackle it head on. I’m not sure I’m rumbling now

I have been a very high functioning, albeit perfectionist, successful person all my life and I still cannot believe how crippling this has been. I look around and see friends living normal lives whilst I live with this secret. DH is trying to understand but he just cannot as he sees how I take care of DD, it just is incomprehensible to him.

The last thing is... 4 years of this???? I thought at least with time things would move on?

Ahhh I identify with this so much. Even coming on mumsnet to find other mums who feel like this is part of my OCD! I’m always trying to find proof that it’s not just me...

I can’t offer too much wisdom other than I’m the same; and I think it will be something I just have to manage. Getting to know my own anxiety has been helpful- for example, i can tell that when I have these obsessional and intrusive thoughts, something must have triggered the anxiety- bad sleep or hangover etc. And I think sometimes it helps to understand that the anxiety latches onto the loving your child thing because that’s my very greatest fear- that I don’t love him enough. It’s not grounded in any reality of course- but anxiety rarely is.

A good technique I learnt in therapy is a distancing exercise- so you would say outloud:
I don’t love my child
I think that I don’t love my child
I’m having the thought that I don’t love my child
I notice that I’m having the thought that I don’t love my child

This really helps me to see that these aren’t facts, they’re just thoughts and have no bearing on what I really feel.

I agree, it’s such an under discussed topic. Before I had help for my PND (from perinatal services) I thought I was literally the only one who a/ couldn’t love their child and b/ had all these obsessional worries about it.

Now I realise that these thoughts are really very common especially amongst anxious people. I think society tells you so strongly that mothers instinctively love their babies, that it absolutely knocks you for six when you feel like you’re the only one who doesn’t. It’s hard to recover from that and really knocks your confidence from the get go.

Much like you, on my good days I KNOW how much I love my son, and it’s obvious to everyone who knows me. But it’s a really really enduring worry, and obviously the more you worry about it, the harder it is to feel connected- a horrible vicious circle.

But know that you’re not alone with it, and if you can, really try and think of the thoughts as separate from who you are. They are anxious thoughts, they are NOT your thoughts.

The more I think about it (and believe me, I’ve thought about it a lot) the more I think that love for a child isn’t this mystical instant feeling. For me it has grown and continues to grow, and usually grows when I’m showing my son how much I love him- by cuddling him, dressing him, taking him out to the playground, turning up on time to pick him up from nursery. That’s what love is.

@Anewmum2018 I just cannot believe I have found SOMEONE who knows exactly what I have been through. I see what you mean when you say that checking that other mums can feel this way may be part of the OCD... but I've also felt like there is so much space out there and on here for more common PND issues, I've not found once in four years anyone who would get it. Like people would tell me 'it's hard work looking after a baby/toddler, you're sleep deprived, it's a massive shift in identity etc... but it did not make any sense in my obsessional mind if you see what i mean? I KNEW i had lost the love for my DD and there MUST have been something wrong with me. People of course wouldn;t know how to understand this and I have been feeling so alone for such a long time. I am sorry you are plagued with this thing too because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but thank you for making me feel a little less lonely with your message

I would love to chat with you more but I am also aware we may 'trigger' each other etc so maybe that's not a great idea either...

I have taken on @abitfunny's book suggestion and have found it extremely helpful. It's fairly cheap as kindle if you were interested..

This disorder is so stubborn, enduring, crippling, I really hope we both continue to manage it, and in my case, to manage it better

the hardest part for me I think is that it robs me of so much each day in terms of my enjoyment of DD and it created a narrative in my brain whereby becoming a mum has also meant a lot of sad and hard things :(

Aw yes I really do understand! In the early days it was so hard- people would say ‘I love my baby but I have PND...’ as if they were saying yes, I’m depressed but I’m not a monster! It’s a horrible mix of stigma, society, depression, ocd that makes it such a hard one to shake I think. I spent most of the first year feeling like literally the worst person on earth- no one could tell me otherwise.

In the early days my ocd was all about how I hadn’t really had a baby, how I must have imagined it, and how I was living in a parallel universe- things honestly didn’t feel real and my intrusive thoughts focused on ‘maybe I’m in a dream and this baby isn’t real’ type thing. It literally made no sense to me that I had created a baby- like an existential headfuck that I just couldn’t make sense of.

And then moved onto I don’t love my baby enough so I might accidentally hurt him because I don’t care etc....

Over time it’s moved to the occasional moment where I worry that I still haven’t felt the ‘rush’ of love (is this even a thing!) or that I don’t feel like I love him like other mums do.

But I stress- these are all just thoughts to be managed, and not facts! It’s taken a lot of therapy to recognise this- none of it has basis in fact and it’s just what my anxiety hooks onto, and a convenient stick to beat myself with when I’m feeling a bit low or anxious.

And it is the same for you honestly. It’s just another way (for me at least) for me to compare myself with others and conclude that I’m a worse mum. It’s so automatic sometimes that it’s hard to even identify as a thought and not a fact. I think it comes from a very self critical place. I think it was so hard because I have never had trouble loving people before- when I fall in love it is very real and very forever, E.g. my friends are all friends from when I was young, my husband was my first real love and I knew instantly he was it.

Have you been treated properly for your OCD and depression if you don’t mind me asking? I really needed very intensive therapy, bonding and medication to get me through and it has all helped enormously.

Message me any time- yes, agree about the trigger thing, it’s a fine like in Pnd recovery I find between obsessing and having peer support! I’m in a pretty good place though, so if it’s helpful to you go for it.

Hi, I know thos is an older thread but I'm struggling with the same thoughts with my children and wife.

When my son was born I was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life, it was hard work but I loved every minute of it.

I was so excited about the birth of my second child but when she came I had a huge pang of dread, it took me a while to bond with her.

Fast forward a few years, I was heavily overworked, had no me time and felt pretty low and was super stressed at home.

Then my wife discovered she was pregnant and my mind just collapsed.

I stopped sleeping for 3 months with anxiety.

Then had thoughts that I didn't love my children, the a year later that I didn't love my wife.

I felt like it was the end for me.

I've done lots of therapy and now know that I truly love my wife and kids but my mind constantly asks if I do, whether I feel a connection to them, whether I am enjoying myself with them.

I've spent 2 years like this now, constantly googling to get some relief, answering my thoughts, arguing with them, I seem to get relief from one train of thought then something else pops up!

It is destroying me.

I'm so happy when I'm snuggled up next to them, i pick them up from school, take them to classes and feel immensely proud of them yet the thoughts keep coming.

I wandered if you guys have for any relief from your ocd at all??

Did anyone get relief from this? If so how?? Please help they are killing me even tho I know they aren't true they just keep torturing me!

Hi Lau575,

I'd really reccomend trying the support groups run by OCD Action. They have one I think for new parents especially

Sorry, that last message was a bit bare. I am just weary of writing out a massive message about what types of therapy and stuff to look for (ERP, if you want to know), when I think the most helpful first step is just to hear some voices on the phone that are going through something similar or are maybe getting better and hearing how they've been managing to do it.

Hello , i know its an old post, im going through same thoughts, how are you feeling know, did it get better?

Hey! Yes it does get so much better! I've got 2 kids now and those dark days are very much behind me. How are you feeling, have you got support, from family and from health professionals? OCD, postnatal depression all of that- it's terrible but, with treatment, it gets so much better