Divorce-not coping

[nancysgirl]

Just wondered if there is anyone out there who has been through a divorce and "come out the other side" as everyone says you will (but not always the ones who have been through it themselves I add!)
I cannot sleep for worrying over the future-where will we live (me and DD aged 3), how will I afford anywhere, will she suffer in later life, can I do a good job of parenting on my own etc etc. I posted last week about whether anyone managed to keep their house and some answers were positive but spoke to mortgage company yesterday and they said "no-one" would allow me to take on such a sizeable mortgage on my own and I just can't see how I will afford anywhere here on my own.
Not only have I got the practical things going round and round in my head, but x2b is driving me mad. He has always been very controlling and manipulative but I thought that I would not have to put up with it anymore but he just never stops hassling me. He has kept DD out late 2x in the last week, and both times ignoring the agreed contact times, in fact making up that we had agreed a different time. Yesterday he took her to the pub to watch the football and didn't seem at all bothered that I was ringing asking where they were.Then today he has been constantly texting asking can he have her overnight. NO o'night contact has been agreed yet as he will not tell me where he is staying, only that he will be taking her "to Derby"
Today I have just lain down on the floor and sobbed. I really don't know how to go on. I don't want to talk to any of my friends as I feel they must have had enough of it already. I feel out of the loop so much too-like I'm an awkward person for them to fit into their lives. I have my mum nearby but she is in denial and won't acknowledge what an awful time I'm having. I have been out twice in 2 months as I don't have a babysitter and I have also lost complete confidence in actually ringing anyone up to make arrangements as I am convivnced they will be busy.
God what a rant-sorry!! How am I ever going to get out of this mess? Please someone tell me it does get better!

nancysgirl, can't help, but someone will come along who can, PLEASE don't despair

Hi. So sorry you are going through this. I haven't got any experience of divorce but can make some suggestions to the latter part of the post. Do you manage to get out of the house everyday? Just a trip to the park or library can make all the difference. Are there any mother and toddler groups nearby?

Hi nancysgirl. I havent gone through a divorce but maybe I can be of some help. Try to go to CAB or speak to your solicitor about your options. Have you thought of counselling who could help you through this, and is someone for you to talk about?

When I split up with exp (dd's father), I stayed at the house we were at. We were renting and as I went onto Income support, I was able to get housing benefit which covers the rent. You can do this as well. I don't know if you're working so if you're not, you can get Income Support, housing and council tax benefit. Your x2b should be giving you maintenance so if you cant arrange it yourselves, contact CSA. Also about contact, as you're the main carer, you should be able to have the main say, and you both need to come to agreement on contact, other wise maybe it would be best to go through the courts. My exp rarely sees dd, so I don't really know how that would work.

If I think of anything else, Ill let you know, but can you not talk to your mum about how you're feeling and ask her to support you? I know some mums can be awkward, like mine, but maybe if you really try to get through to her, she may listen to you. And don't worry about what your friends think, if they're there to listen, talk to them. Or you always have support on here. xxx

Nancygirl, I'm so sorry to hear about the really tough time you are having. I'm very sorry I don't have any experience of what you are going through, and therefore any sensible advice. I just wanted to send hugs and wish you well. I'm sure it is really difficult to see a way out of all this sh**tty stuff but I can tell you from other experiences that there is an other side to the brick wall you see. Not very helpful words, I know but hang in there. I'm sure someone with some more helpful things to say will be along soon.

Thery already were! While I was spending an age typing with one finger!

First of all, you are not alone. You are not ranting at all. I, along with many others on this site have gone through the whole divorce shebang. At the time, I felt like you. I wanted to curl up and the ground to swallow me. The idea of bringing up a child by myself left me in cold dread. BUT...I found a solicitor, had to fight for EVERYTHING - my child (but that was his empty threats); our house and my sanity. 2 years later, I am working, have a wonderful support network and most of all my child is content. It will never be easy. The road will always be rocky, but you will get through. Keep your self esteem and your confidence. Remember that there is a light shining out there and don't lose sight of that. Self certificate mortgages, btw. You don't have to move, if you can afford the repayments. Try calling Charcoal.

My warmest wishes to you. x

have you been in touch with gingerbread ?
they have free helplines and discussion groups and i'm sure they could help with some of the practical stuff as well as emotional support and local links.

No personal experience but from reading the threads of other women dealing with controlling husbands it is best you deal with him as little as possible and any discussions take place through your solicitor.

As he has been flouting contact times my advice would be to contact your solicitor as this behaviour is NOT on!

If he constantly texts turn off your cell phone. When you lie on the floor sobbing he is beating you. Fight back via the legal system.

take care and hope things are more defined with regards to contact times very soon.

Hugs to you Nancy. I know exactly what you are going through, I was there three and half years ago.

1. You will be a brilliant parent by yourself, If you look at the positive, your daughter will grow up with the great example of a mother who can make the best out of a bad situation. She was also not be living in an environment where the are constant fights and bickering.
   At times it is easier to be a single parent, because you don't have to jointly make decisions with someone else (sometimes this can also be hard, as the whole burden lies squarley on your shulders).

2. Get or get back to your solicitor. A pub is totlally unsuitable for a 3 year old. And if your x2b cannot find a suitable environment to take her to, then he can't have her END OF STORY (IMO)

3. Until he can prove a safe environmnet to take her overnight - ditto comment above.

4. NO its not easy, and yes there are days when you want to lie weeping in your bed, but these do get better - albeit very very slowly.

5. MAke sure you are getting enough execise and eating properly. Just a walk to the park with DD, and a simple food, but you must keep yourself well, if for nothing else than in orderto be the best mother you can be.

6. Don't let him manipulate you, change your home no if you have to, and only speak to him on your own terms. Switch off you mibile when you don't feel strong, Manipultive calls and texts can be very destructive.

There are loads of us single mums about, keep posting, and you can CAT me anytime

Love
Kalex

Hi nancysgirl. Sorry you are feeling so low. The trouble with manipulative and bullying men is that when you split up with them they lose a lot of their old powers over you, so they look for new ones. Messing you about over contact is a classic. Another one is mind games, telling you how rubbish you are and that no one will want you. So if he starts with that, just think to yourself, anorak has told me this would happen, classic bullying tactic, no truth in it whatsoever.

If contact has been described by a court then he has to stick to it, or you can complain to the court and he will lose his rights. If you haven't had it formalised yet then go and see a solicitor and get things in motion.

Stay in your house as long as possible while making a plan for in case you have to move. Stash money if you can and start to look around to see what is available. Consider changing areas, consider everything. A good way to reduce the power of a manipulative ex is to live 500 miles away from him.

Get some new positives in your life. Think of some things you have always wanted to do and if any of them are possible now, get them into your routine. It will cheer you up and give you a new focus.

Talk to your friends. If they are true friends they will care about you through thick and thin. If they are not true friends it's time you knew. You don't have energy to waste.

Your ex has to give you full address etc before you even consider sending dd overnight. I would resist as long as possible. You may want to inspect the premises yourself to put your mind at rest. Otherwise certainly wait until the arrangement is formalised.

Thanks everyone-such sound advice.Have spoken to my solicitor 3 times today and she is astonished at how he is just flouting all that we have agreed so now it is all in writing and on its way to him. Iknow I he is a bully and he is using this to get at me-it's frightening to think he can't let go of that control he's always had.
Off to pick up dd so will post again later-many thanks again.

Feel a bit calmer now so thanks everyone, but could I just ask anorak-when you say start stashing cash-what do you mean exactly?! I only ask cos have been thinking about this and daren't do it!!

Message withdrawn

nancygirl, I can't really add anthing to the excellent advice others have given you. I haven't gone through a divorce but I have ended a longterm relationship with my daughters father and at the time it was hell. I thought I would never cope and get through it but you do. You really do. You become stronger and wiser and more confident and one day you wake up and realise it was all worth it and you know that you and your child are happy because you have control over your life.

Speaking to your solicitor today is the first step, don't let your x control your life even now, you really don't have to.

Good luck, & best wishes.

nancysgirl. I have been through a divorce and know just how you feel. I didn't have children with that husband, but it was still terrible worrying about my future. He left me for another woman and was the wage earner in the family (I was studying full time). I cried myself to sleep every night for 6 months and talked to my friends about it endlessly (good way to see who are your reall friends...they will listen to the same story over and over again if they think it's making you feel better telling it). But at the same time, I also got the best lawyer I could and made sure I was well informed about my rights and what I was entitled to. I got the house in lieu of alimony and then in order to be able to afford to pay the mortgage, I rented out rooms. This was a little scary at first, but I made sure that I only rented to people I was totally comfortable with (this ended up being a series of young australian actresses who looked on me as a bit of a mother figure.. which was great for my confidence which had been destroyed by my ex). All of this is to say that you will come out the other side, stronger and happier. It's just really important to stay strong and focussed during the divorce. Sit down and talk to your mother (if she's good at this type of thing) and to your most sensible friends about what you need and want. Put it down on paper and then go and see a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to. Make calm wise decisions about how to get what you need, without wasting energy on little things and stuff that isn't attainable. (ie. If he wants the cd collection...let him have it even if you paid for all of them, it's not worth fighting over...just ask for the pots and pans in exchange...they're much more useful). I also found it useful to only communicate with my ex in writing (by fax to be specific). That way he couldn't pretend that he didn't know, hadn't understood, hadn't said, etc. etc. And I could show his letters to my friends so they could give me a reality check and tell me that he was in fact the a**hole that I imagined him to be. Also useful to have if things end up in court. And it means you don't end up saying things in anger or haste either.
And finally, although I do feel very strongly about fathers being allowed to be active in a child's life, I agree that a pub is not really an appropriate place to bring a 3 year old. And it is not reasonable for him to have her overnight if you do not know the address of where that is going to be. It would be no different if you were still married to him...wouldn't you expect your partner to tell you where they were with your children overnight?
Anyway, hang in there and be strong...it will get better.

Great advice here. A solicitor should be able to help you have a clearer idea of your likely financial position after divorce and I'm horrified your ex took your three year old dd to a pub to watch football, let alone wants to take her god knows where overnight. Just say no. And don't read his sodding texts either. Good luck.

Absolutely agree with keeping contact with your ex through solicitor. And ditto SofiaAmes re: keeping it all in writing - makes everything much clearer, as neither party can claim, 'Well, you said..' This is what started happening to me - ex would say something , then claim I'd dreamt it all.
Another thing you could do is start keeping a diary of times he's dropped her off, etc. Also, I know someone who's child travels with a book, and each parent fills in what they've done, if there have been any accidents, what they've eaten, medicines etc. It's one way of keeping the other parent informed, though a little drastic, but very useful if documentary evidence is needed - eg your ex taking your dd to the pub. Oh, and change your mobile number, or bar his number from your phone,if you can do that. Get an answerphone so you can screen his calls, and if neccessary record them (check legalities of this) Your ex is still trying to control you, he sounds like bully and it might be best to keep all communication to a minimum.
As for worrying about the future, we all do that, I think, divorced or not - it's called parenthood!(I'm divorced, by the way) I took a long time to learn to take one day at a time, but it was worth it. I had to move house and my boys changed schools, which wasn't easy. My ex said some awful things to them, which hurt us all. He's no longer in contact with either of them - his decision. They are 8 and 9.
I'm so sorry that all this is happening to you. I too sobbed and sobbed - I used to look forward to a day I wasn't in tears more than twice. I drank and ate too much. I blamed myself, and thought I had damaged my boys forever. I couldn't bear to hang out with my happy friends. I felt like the party pooper on the v few occassions i went out.
A year on from the split I was a different, better, stronger person. My boys showed remarkable resiliance, courage and strength through some very trying times and have my astonished admiration for it. It's only now, when I am so much happier, that I realise how unhappy I was.
You will come out the other side. It's much better here!
Huge hugs,

Thanks again-God you've all had me in tears (again) with your kind words.It is good to hear from those of you who have said that your children have coped well as this is really getting me down, worrying about DD. She is already quite an anxious child, is a "reluctant talker" and the thought of us having to move where she will then go to a school where she doesn;t know anyone is is horrendous. But maybe she will be more resilient than I think.
I'm outraged at x2b taking her to the pub mainly because I feel pissed off for her-can't he think of anywhere that would be for her benefit? He sees her for such a short time and he still can't put her 1st-typical! She'd have been better of at home with me.
My solicitor has just rung me to say she's had a letter from his solicitor querying my reluctance to talk directly to X. They seem to be implying that my solicitor is putting me up to something! Made me laugh as it has clearly come from X who can't believe I am standing up to him for once. It's scary though that he is such a control freak that he is even now looking for new ways to manipulate me. He will be shocked cos I've always been so "nice" (pathetic more like!) before. Have a bit of a problem with being assertive-BUT NOT ANYMORE!! The worm has turned!
Thanks all!

Nancygirl, how are you doing, was thinking about you today.

Hi kalex
Thanks for your concern. I am having a slightly better week this week thanks! Have been out with some friends and had a good chat with 1 of them about feeling isolated which cleared the air a bit so that was good. Also dragged a protesting DD out for a walk every day!
X2b less of a pain this week but has now asked me to pay more of the expenses as he is "broke". Ha ! Earns almost 10x what I do.
I wanted to CAT you to ask you a few other things-would that be OK?

Not a problem!