How do you start liking yourself?

[stupidgirl]

I'm very up and down at the moment. Right now I'm down, not desperately depressed as I have been in the past, just low.

I am just about to give up my job, which I have only had for 3 months, as I can't handle the night shifts. I don't have anything else lined up at the moment, so will be going back on benefits (having just (this week) sorted out the WTC). I feel like I've failed and I hate that I'm going back on benefits, but I haven't managed to find anything else, and I just couldn't go on the way I have been.

Making it worse, I had a job interview yesterday and had a phonecall this morning to say someone else had got the job (fine, it wasn't really what I wanted anyway) and offering me 'feedback' on the interview. Just what I needed, to be told how crap I am, as if I didn't already know. It wasn't terribly bad (mainly just about not being very well prepared for the interview, which fair enough, I wasn't), but I still feel really down.

There are other issues right now, that are making life difficult, but I just keep falling into this pattern of blaming myself and hating myself for the smallest thing. I don't voice these feelings as I don't want to damage my children with my self esteem issues.

So, after all that needless rant, I come back to the question which I asked in the thread title, Just how do you start liking yourself?

Do you think it would help to isolate specific things you don't like about yourself, and then get a positive spin on them in some way? I ask because rather to my surprise I am rather happy these days, and quite like myself, after never doing so before.

Sorry, honey, that wasn't meant to sound unsympathetic, anything but - I think the behavioural wossname cognitive therapy I had some years ago did help a lot, because that is about turning round some of the constant negative things we keep ticking away in our brains. Would that be a feasible option through the GP route (ie free) or not something you could do at the moment?

MI, it didn't sound unsympathetic. I feel a bit of a fraud, I'm not desperately depressed, just have self esteem issues, which are being made worse by the pressure I'm under, I guess.

I don't think I could face counselling or anything involving talking to strangers about it - I'm just not that type of person.

I haven't really got any advice stupidgirl, but will be interested to read the replies on this thread. I think a certain amount of self-acceptance just comes naturally with age, I'm a lot more comfortable with myself than I was in my 20s anyway. But sometimes I seriously beat myself up. So just wanted to say I know what you mean! And I hope you are feeling better about yourself soon X

Hi stupidgirl, you sound alot like me as i find it hard to find anything about myself that i like and am always putting myself down.

You should change your nickname as you are not stupid, that would be a start

Stupidgirl,firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you are having such a stressful time. I have worked hard myself on this myself and I believe the first step is to fake it. Eventually you find that it is no longer fake and people are commenting on how you are looking great or seeming happier (or whatever).
I don't mean to be rude but stop calling yourself stupidgirl for a start. Think of an asset and call yourself that. Start thinking of your self in terms of your successes. Do things that you like and enjoy that make you feel more like you. After I had my little boy for a variety of reasons I lost my self esteem, put on loads of weight, stopped making an effort, stopped doing anything that I wanted/liked (everyone else came first) and although I wasn't vocal it impacted on dh and the children. It isn't an overnight solution, building self esteem takes time and one has to be constantly aware not to be so hard on onesself. You are looking for work and getting interviews, you won't be on benefits forever, and you are aware that something needs to be done. These are all positives. Be kind to yourself, indulge yourself. Take time to think about what you want and don't allow others to put you down. Spending time on yourself is not selfish or indulgent: if you are happy your children will be happy too.
Good luck and best wishes.

The thing with counselling is that you need to find someone that you can talk to - there are ones you're just not going to like, but others that are easy to talk to. My dp's been doing cognitive therapy for almost a year, started off via GP. He tried everything else he could think of 1st, but this is the 1 thing that's really had an effect. And he was constantly internally doing himself down. You wouldn't know to meet him, but in private he'd cry and cry because he felt so shit. teh therapy has meant he's getting to the point where he doesn't just know it's not true, he's starting to believe it's not true and not his fault. It's a long, long process and not an easy one, but I would truly recommned it. From what he tells me the counsellor just makes you work it out yourself, doesn't give you pat answers.
I know I've just written an entire paragraph on something that's not your thing (v helpful, I realise ) but just wanted to say not to completely reject it as an idea.
The counsellor doesn't judge you (you're probably doing more than enough of that yourself).
Anyway, nuff said.
big hug

Stupidgirl, really sorry you didn't get the job. I am sure that piece of news, which is a downer to anyone at the best of times, can't have helped at all.
I agree totally with MI that the "jigsaw", cognitive behavioural approach to liking yourself could be helpful for you, even though you feel you don't want to talk these matters through with a counsellor face-to-face. I do think you could make a list of all the things in your life that could be seen as OK by a third party, this might be a way in.
We've never met but your posts during your time on Mumsnet really do say to me that you are a highly thoughtful and caring mother who is committed to giving your children a happier, more secure childhood than you had.
You bite your tongue rather than offload onto your children. It's a rare parent who manages to do this 100% of the time (she says shamefacedly).
You are setting out on this massive task without the support of a partner (unless that has changed and I'm not prying or being rude I hope). Night shifts and a young family? No wonder it's hard.
You have thought long and hard about home ed, also a big challenge that you are squaring up to.
You often say what you think on here and are unafraid to stand up for issues/opinions that matter to you.
All these things are really likeable and potentially also of great use on the job market, when you feel ready to look for something else.
All of which is not meant to sound bossy or anything, truly. Like losing weight (ahem ) or lots of other life-changing processes, a person can be told truths until they are blue in the face but they will only act on them when they want to and are able to. So maybe it's not terribly helpful to hear that you have lots of likeable traits as far as others are concerned. But I hope it helps a little bit...

Hear hear re faking it (so nice to see you back Winnie how are you ) and changing THAT NAME.

actually, winnie's got it right! because the therapy lets you see where your feelings come from, which can help you accept they may not be rooted in truth, but then you have to decide not to play the same game with yourself. and that, in the words of some blonde chick with impossibly shiny hair, 'you're worth it'
because you are. we all are, we're just not so good at realising it.

hear hear, anais was a much nicer name (it was anais before wasn't it?!)

Thnks Marina, I am good...it's good to be back although I am supposed to be restricting myself How are you?

Thank you everyone. Particularly Marina for all the lovely things you said. I'm touched

stupidgirl, change your name immediately! I echo all of what marina said regarding your 'personality' on mumnset. I have always thought of you as very articulate and intelligent, and also a very. very good and fair listener, able to pick up on other's points of view even when you disagree with them. I am really sorry your self esteem is low at the moment.

My self esteem is affected by how other adults in RL see me. It plummeted when I was in a job with an awful, negative line manager. I did not realise how much his attutude had got under my skin until I started a job with a lovely, positive boss. I also felt less sure of myself when I was job hunting and I began to see my self esteem ebbing away. I am not saying 'get a job' as I know you really want to home educate, but I am saying the lack of people in RL who are recoginsing your abilities might well be knocking your self esteem at the moment. And it is easy to underestimate this. I hope you have some really nice family and friends who boost you up. This helps a lot, though IME praise from them is not the same as praise from someone you are working for or with. There is a difference in being praised for the work you produce, not for who you are.

Throwing in this idea - can you consider doing something interesting and challenging that's voluntary - something that brings you into conatact with other adults? hopefully you could get something you could fit around your home educating. As well as helping you get your considerable abilities recognied, the experience would of course be something to put on your cv. Even is you do this for just a month or two, until another job comes along, it might help keep the negativity from eating away at you.

I think there are some great messages here. Hope they help you.

winnie - so nice to see you again!!

There's an echo here... change your MN name!!!!

Other than that, if you don't like the idea of counselling, why not try and DIY.

I'd suggest you have a look at the Paul Mckenna book, Change your life in 7 days (!!!!) it's interesting if nothing else, and it may actually be of some help.

wish you well, and don't be downhearted re job... just be philosophical... it wasn't the right one for you at this particular time.