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Face covering causing traumatic memories TW assault

10 replies

Mirrorglaze · 18/07/2020 19:34

I've ordered a reusable face mask for when they become mandatory in shops, and, although it hasn't arrived yet, intend to wear it as soon as it does and generally think we could have been using them in public for a lot longer to reduce passing of germs, but until it's common to do so, people seem to be put off.

I went shopping on a retail park today with DH and was feeling calm, although I do struggle generally with anxiety. He works in a role where he has disposable dust masks in the car, so said we'd use these today.

Although now I can describe wearing the mask as only slightly physically uncomfortable, and it didn't mean I couldn't breathe, completely out of the blue, the pressure against either side of my nose and at the sides of my face was incredibly overwhelming and almost transported me back to a time I suffered an assault where my attacker held his hand over my mouth and nose.

I was incredibly frightened and panicked, despite knowing logically that nobody was harming me.

Now, I feel annoyed at myself for not preempting a problem with covering my face, but reacting like this. And angry that how someone else treated me can creep up on me when I'm trying protecting myself and others.

I don't want to avoid wearing a mask just because I don't have to yet, and I don't want to avoid doing things I want to because I'm scared. But I don't want to be reduced to tears going about my day because my mind is working overtime.

How can I separate these two things? Has anyone else struggled with something like this and will it be easier next time?

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MinesAPintOfTea · 18/07/2020 19:37

It might not help you, but I have a similar problem (and have had difficulty wearing oxygen masks in hospital)

I made my own face masks, of of soft fabric I chose, making sure they weren't too tight and that I felt in control of them.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/07/2020 19:43

I have a similar issue. I've tried multiple and haven't found one I can tolerate. I knew it was likely to be an issue for me because I can't cope with anything over my mouth and nose but I wasn't expecting the strength of the response. I live somewhere they are already mandatory and at the moment I just don't go anywhere they are required. Haven't been in a shop since mid March.

I have seen someone else post that they have managed to desensitise themselves though.

Mirrorglaze · 18/07/2020 19:49

I'm sorry to hear that @MinesAPintOfTea

I might try the same sort of thing. If I'd thought it would be a problem to begin with, I might not have made it worse by just so using what DH had in the box, which wasn't a great fit. It took me by surprise - when I think about it, I've never actually needed or worn a mask of any kind.

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Mirrorglaze · 18/07/2020 19:57

I think I understand what you mean about the strength of the response being surprising, @Dinosauratemydaffodils

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InsaneProbably · 18/07/2020 20:14

I've found the same. I've always hated anything around my neck (polo neck shirts, tight scarves etc) or on my face, because of past abuse and vivid bad memories.

Not a fan of the masks, but I have been trying to get myself to wear them now. I've got a washable ones that are made of two layers of thin fabric, and while they're not too loose, they're quite flexible and seem like a good compromise. I've only been having them on while I'm actually inside the shop, and have lowered it as soon as I'm out, and tried to keep my stays indoors quite short.

user1645689876444 · 18/07/2020 20:31

You're traumatised. It was an understandable reaction.

I get that you're shocked and upset and maybe feeling powerless because of it, but please try not to turn that inwards and start being hard on yourself. I'm sure you'd be compassionate to someone else in your shoes so apply the same treatment to yourself.

From your brain's perspective those sensations activated its danger warning system. It's learnt in the past that those sensations are a serious threat to your life and responded accordingly. When that happens logic doesn't come into the equation, and your brain activates fight, flight, freeze or fawn without any input from you - including getting your body ready for whichever course of action the brain picks. At such times your brain doesn't wait for you to approve its selected action, eg freezing (you've seen nature docs where a hunted animal freezes to try and shield itself from attack? Same thing).

Where you're traumatised there is the added complication that traumatic memories end up in a different part of your brain to normal memories. Normal memories are processed, labelled as "in the past" and then archived. Traumatic memories don't go through that and sit there as "live events" - when they're reactivated by a trigger your brain can't tell they're a past event and responds as if it's happening in the present. Which is why you can suddenly feel as if you're back in the memory and it's happening again right now.

The brain learns very quickly that something is a threat (e.g. that sensation over your nose) and takes much longer to re-learn that the same stimulus is now safe. It's risk averse like that because it wants to keep you safe.

That's useful to know though because you could plan a gradual exposure ladder to help your brain do that re-learning in a safe way.

So the top rung of the ladder is wearing a mask to do your shopping and feeling calm and in control.

The bottom rung could be sitting at home feeling calm and safe with your husband and putting the mask on for a few seconds just to notice how it feels and then taking it off and doing something nice / relaxing.

You would repeat that several times before moving up a rung, which could be wearing it in the same situation for a few minutes and adjusting the fit or moving it around a little so you can notice different sensations and whether anything feels more safe or more challenging.

And so on, until you can wear it round the house carrying out another task (washing up?!) without it pulling you back in time or panicking you. And then maybe just walking down to the end of your road and back.

Repeating each step until you can carry it out feeling calm and safe and in control before moving up. The repetition is important but so is not pushing yourself too hard too fast. The idea is to reinforce that wearing a mask is safe, so you need lots of positive experiences where you feel in control and that things are going well and manageable.

Other things to keep in mind with managing trauma symptoms... feeling in control is important as pp mentioned. Even if that's just because it's a mask you picked out because you like the colour or texture of the material. Or because you create a little ritual when you put it on that reinforces to you that you're choosing to put the mask on and can choose to take it off again or adjust it.

(A flashback causing severe distress due to the mask is an exemption - so in a worse case scenario you can remove it without getting in trouble and I suspect it would mentally help you feel in control to reinforce to yourself that the rules aren't trapping you with this mask over your face. This is also one measure of several that are being layered up to protect people so if you need to take a mask off for a few minutes it's ok because you're still following the others.).

Finding a sense of safety is important - telling yourself you're safe but also having things you can do or somewhere to go or a body position that makes you feel safe. As is finding a way to re-connect yourself to the present. E.g. focusing on your breathing, noticing the floor beneath your feet, the sound of cars passing...

You also would benefit from bringing your arousal levels down - so kind, soothing, caring acts towards yourself (not beating yourself up!). These help soothe your nervous system and bring you back down to a normal, calm/safe state of being. Breathing slowly and deeply comes in again here.

Restoring a sense of safety; calming and soothing yourself; and connecting to the present. Those are your 3 keys when/if your trauma is activated. In whichever order works for you.

These are the things that can help you right now while you're feeling crappy from the flashback but also if it happens again or when working through exposure levels.

I empathise with you for feeling frustrated and upset with yourself for not predicting it would happen, but when you think about it that just shows that it really wasn't something you caused because it hadn't even occurred to you. In a weird (and annoying) way it's a good thing that those horrible past experiences were so far off your conscious radar that you didn't anticipate a problem.

Maybe some of your anxiety is trauma-related(?) and this experience will help you process it a bit, understand more what's going on for you, and find other things that help you. Who knows, maybe this rubbishy face mask event will be something that leads to your anxiety becoming a smaller feature of your life.

Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt: what happened to you was a flashback. It's an involuntary response by a traumatised brain trying to protect you from harm, and you had no control over it. It wasn't your fault and it didn't happen because you're weak or not determined enough. It happened because you're traumatised and that trauma was activated. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, but it's not your fault.

CornishTiger · 19/07/2020 07:07

@user1645689876444 what an amazingly helpful generous and kind response.

damnthatanxiety · 19/07/2020 07:12

Could you wear the mask around the house where you feel you are in a safe environment? Acclimatise to wearing one.

00Sassy · 19/07/2020 07:23

@user1645689876444 has great advice!

Mirrorglaze · 19/07/2020 11:02

Thank you @user1645689876444. That really was such a thoughtful, articulate response, on a number of levels.

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