I think I’m ill again. How bad is it?

[Balloono]

I suffered horrendous PND/PTSD after my first child was born, went on and off antidepressants before finally staying on them and had some recovery around 2 years later. Main issues were around paranoia and intrusive thoughts alongside flashbacks and panic from the birth. I had specific therapy to help deal with the birth trauma and genuinely feel I’ve managed to move on from that.

However, second child is now a year old and I can feel the same dread creeping back in, the anxious intrusive thoughts around my children that someone else will hurt them in some way. I can’t shake it off, but I know it’s not rational.

I feel trapped in it all, I just want a new life where I can feel free again. It’s exhausting but I’m too scared to tell anyone the truth. Antidepressants contributed towards large weight gain so I’m reluctant to take them again, my weight is another issue for me that I’m upset about but fail time and time again to do anything about. I have no time to myself and very little sleep which I’m sure is making things a whole lot worse.

Well you’ve made a start by posting here and admitting you have a problem. The other positive thing is you’ve beaten this before and there’s no reason why you can’t again. Get on to your Dr and tell them what you’ve told us. Also don’t underestimate the impact the last few months will have had. It’s been a really hard time for so many people, and with the demands of small children, it’s no wonder you’re not sleeping and have no time.
Try and confide in one person you can trust if you don’t want to go to the Dr yet. Things will get better again, you just might need some help to get there. Wishing you all the very best and take good care.

You’ve recognised it. That’s really positive.
Don’t let those thoughts go unchallenged. Each time one occurs remind yourself its a symptom rather than a logical thought and look for the evidence against it (has this ever happened? Is there any reason to believe it will? etc)
What helped last time (apart from medication)? Can you try this again? For me walking, connecting with people and music help me stay grounded and distract from these thoughts. Things are also easier if I’m sleeping well. Setting myself small daily goals helps me feel in control. Omega 3and 6 also seemed to help with my pnd and stopped me getting it with future children.
Also, don’t discount medication altogether. I gained 2.5 stone on mirtazapine for instance (though apparently this isn’t common) but none on fluoxetine. You could speak to your GP about trying a different one.
Good luck. You’ve come through this before so you can do it again.