I hope my children don’t turn out a failure like me

[Frizzy1986]

I guess I really just need an outlet as I’m struggling with my mental health at the moment.

I am 34 years old and due to go back to work after maternity leave in September. This clearly hasn’t been the maternity leave I planned and I envisaged that I would not return to my previous job and would find something new. With the current climate, this is very unlikely so I am dreading my return.
I guess I just don’t know what to do with my life. I feel a failure, like I’ve never made anything of myself.
All I can think of is that I hope my children never turn out like me. I work in finance after a career change 4 years ago and I’m not sure it’s for me. I have nothing I am passionate about or have any drive to do. I’ve never succeeded in anything since leaving education. I’m a bright person, but have never achieved in work. I feel like such a let down.
I feel rudderless and lost. I’m crying so much at the idea that I’d hate my kids to be like me, that I dislike myself and what I’ve become that much.

On top of this, my husband has lost his job. He was given notice due to a decrease in business at his work, but whilst searching for a new job he has seen his old job (well pretty much his old job) advertised so it feels like they lied to get rid of him (he’s been there less than 2 years so can’t do anything about it)
He feels like a failure too and I’m trying to support him and help him find work as well as pick him up whilst looking after the kids and trying to deal with my own issues.
I feel like we don’t push each other, we don’t make each other better people career wise. Neither of us knows what we want to do with our lives and are unable to give the support/encouragement so the other can excel. We are both lost.

I’m due to start cbt with our local team in a few weeks but I just don’t know how to make my life better so I actually like myself.
I have very few friends, but all have found “their career”. From Doctors to Marketing Managers and CEOs to Head of Department in schools. Even people who I didn’t initially think had found their place are in finance jobs that they really enjoy and earn more than I do when they have less experience or qualifications.
I don’t know what i am expecting here, but being able to write what’s in my head helps to clear my thoughts.

If it helps, I’ll be your friend who absolutely hasn’t ‘found their career’ - I’m several years older than you, and have ended up being a sahm accidentally after taking redundancy, getting pregnant again, struggling with depression/anxiety and just not getting a job... I spent a few years in a ‘professional’ job I hated and now I’m looking at entry level admin jobs.

BUT... I don’t feel bad about it. I have somehow got to a place where although I have moments, I feel solid enough in my sense of self to not worry too much about the status stuff and how things ‘should’ look.

A few years ago (around when I was your age actually) I was really struggling. Just constantly felt like I had gone wrong, was doing everything wrong, wasn’t parenting right, was hopeless etc. Spent a lot of time really wishing there was a way to not have existed.

It’s not been anything miraculous that’s changed, more a slow, steady progression of reading, listening, doing the things that seem right, therapy (I did person-centred counselling for several months), talking etc.

I find when I feel down nowadays that it helps to really just narrow my view in - focus on the really small immediate things to steady the ship as it were so that I can look more long term. So just doing the self-care, getting dressed, calling friends, getting to sleep, doing the washing up type stuff. Being really careful not to beat myself up for not achieving more and waiting until the energy comes back and then capitalising on that.

Don’t underestimate the stress you’re under or the work you’re doing looking after your children and supporting your husband. Caring work, especially with a baby, puts a huge amount of ongoing stress on you, and of course you’re dealing with this shitstorm of a pandemic at the moment too. Just getting through life at the moment with all that is a major achievement.

I really hope the cbt is helpful for you. That sounds like a great first step. Your children will benefit from your love and care and your particular ‘you’-ness much more than what you do for work. You haven’t let them down in any way by not having job titles that sounds as glitzy as people you know.

I don’t think we all have passions or callings, and there is so much chance and timing at play in where we end up. You are still really young and you have plenty of time to find something more suitable for you. Good luck, and hope you are feeling more positive soon.

Could you be depressed OP?
There is a lot more to a person/parent/life than what they do for a living. You sound overly fixated on this.
Glad to hear you're getting some input, CBT can be brilliant.
You've both got the rest of your lives ahead of you. Your kids won't care much about what you do, just whether you're healthy and happy.

Thanks @Callybrid that's comforting to know. I guess from a child who struggled with bullying at school, being academic was my "thing". I was always told that the bullies wouldn't amount to anything and they were jealous of my intellect and what I would become. That I'd be successful in life and school was a small part of the journey.
I feel I've disappointed myself and done nothing with my life.
I don't care what either of my kids become or choose to do with their lives, I just hope they never feel the way I do, that I've wasted the life I've lived and not achieved anything.
I hope that I am able to take small steps and slowly become more confident in my place in the world and am able to spot those moments and capitalise on them.
Good luck with your journey. You sound like you've made it to a really positive place and I really hope I'm able to get to somewhere like that.

@idblowjonsnow I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety through my mental health assessment after getting 19 on my GAD7 questionnaire.
I got a score of 15 on my PHQ9 which shows moderately severe depression.
I think the initial focus is on my anxiety as I'm afraid to go places and my mind always plays out worst case scenarios in my mind, which is potentially where some of the depression and low self esteem issues stem from.
I think I know inside that my kids don't care as all they see is a mum that cares about them and they love, but I'm just terrified they will grow up feeling lost like I do.