How can I truly help my friend with depression

[Alonelonelyloner]

Hi there, I'm kind of stuck and I hope I may have some of your wisdom.

My friend, who I love dearly and have known for many years, has depression along with voices and perhaps other mental health issues I am not privy to. I love her. I want to be there for her, but I'm drained of ideas and energy. I'm also far away and going through a lot myself. We've had our ups and downs, probably brought on by my snapping from frustration (that's on me).

I'm so sad for her. It breaks my heart as I don't see an end. Her life is passing by and I see that when we are older (we are already getting on) she won't have moved on and found happiness or fleeting joy. I adore her, but i just don't know what to do. Do I just accept this, tell her I'm sorry and hold her or what? I can't bang my head on a wall, but she has so much potential. She is really an amazing person I just feel that I am letting her down daily. I want to have a magic wand. It's been nearly 20 years (or longer) and I'm lost.
Thank you for reading and any advice.

Oh I’m sorry op this is hard. Tell her you love her and that you feel like she’s not happy, if she used to be happy tell her you miss that person, and encourage her to get help. Tell her how highly you think of her and how you think that with a little support she could get back on her feet and start enjoying life again. If you can do a little research on mental health help in her area so she doesn’t need to try too hard, many local counselling/therapy teams are now available for self referral without having to go to much trouble.
Most of all though, feel good that you’re such a good person that this bothers you, don’t feel bad. You’re not responsible for her happiness and as hard as it is to accept, it may be there is nothing you can do other than be there for her when you can. You must look after yourself too though and not let yourself feel guilty - this isn’t your fault.

Thank you so much for your reply @BellyMama . I really appreciate it.

To be honest she's always suffered depression in all the years I've known her. She's lovely when she's happy and sad but at the moment I can't remember what the happy person is like.
I'll take on board what you say as you're right I can't carry it and take responsibility for it. But I will tell her the things you suggest. If I'm exhausted by it, she must be 100x more so.

Thanks!

Is she expecting you to take responsibility for it?

One of the utterly worst things when going through mental health difficulties is desperately not wanting to be a burden, but people expecting you to snap out of it (for their convenience - because that’s what it’s is, their convenience) treating you as a bit of a burden, and projecting what they thing your expectations are onto you. None of that helps. What it does is make the sufferer feel like a burden.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun I think when op is talking about not taking responsibility it is in response to my comment. I’m sure the friend is not expecting her to take responsibility but I think sometimes when dealing with someone who is so unhappy you do end up feeling responsible for trying to make them happy, this is what I thought op was going through reading her post. I agree no one wants to feel a burden but I think the best thing for everyone in this scenario is that the friend gets some support from someone who is trained to deal with depression and gets better. I don’t think op is expecting her to snap out of it, after 20 years, but I think she wants to help her friend be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that - fairly commendable I’d say. Depression is hard for both the sufferer and those around them too - I say this as a person who has suffered but also seen those close to me suffer too. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with, whichever side you’re looking at it from.

Thank you @BellyMama for making sense of my words. You did a better job than I could.

She absolutely doesn't expect me to, of course, but she is very sad always, for decades, we don't discuss many things which are happy. We don't. We text and talk and it is just, 'I'm sad '. She does have lots of mental health professional support, but as her friend I know it is part of my role too and I love her and want to be there. But I just don't know how. She isn't a burden but I'm responsible for how I react to her and I fear that I will get it wrong. I have done in the past when I've been drained. I can't make that mistake again. I love her too much. I need to work my way around my own mental exhaustion and give her my best self. I just don't know how.