I've just discovered boundaries, thanks to a few months on MN!

[longtimecomin]

I honestly had none, I was very open, trusting and loving with the world. I saw the good in everyone. Those people that others were wary of, I could see the good that they had to offer to the world as human beings. I prided myself on being a non judgemental decent human being. I'm 'nice' friendly smiley happy. Growing up my parents didn't lay down many rules, I was a pretty good kid, intelligent with high emotional intelligence and lots of friends, very popular. And what happened to me as an adult?? I have been fucked over so many times. Mostly by men, there's a long list of failed relationships of men who have abused me in some way. Economically, emotionally, psychologically, physically,verbally. I posted a few times about my last relationship to check he was abusive because I just didn't know - obviously the good people of MN pointed out in 0.03 seconds and in their droves of how awful he was. I phoned 101 to get advice as to whether if I kicked him out, I could stop him coming back and even get police to help. They asked me a few questions. Then they sent the police around to arrest him, they told me 'not all domestic violence is physical' and locked him up for the night. Sounds like they spoke to him in a way that made him question his behaviour, which is good. He's gone now and thanks to Mumsnet comments 'you have poor boundaries' I've started researching boundaries. Holy smoke!! They are life changing, I had no idea about these things, rules you set up to protect yourself, amazing. When people say you have work to do on yourself, it's not just losing weight and exercising and meditation. It's creating rules to live by to prevent other people taking the piss!! Which people do all the time. If you have boundaries, please share them here so me and other dumb assess like me, can protect ourselves. Also how did you learn about them? Were they in built or did your parents teach you? Was it intuitive? I can't believe I've been so naive my whole life. I'm actually in my 40's and have a very successful career but my personal life has been a mess because of boundaries or lack of....

Bump!!

That’s so good to hear.
You need to be able to sniff out a twat at 100 paces, educate yourself and you will be less likely to be stung in the future.

I have an instinct for twat spotting but also have very very little tolerance for any shenanigans. I am bad ass I’m afraid.

My parents taught me that by having a very abusive, toxic and unhealthy marriage all my life until they divorced.
Never...and I mean never would this be my way of life. From a very very young age I was aware that it was not good.

But equally I sniff out the likes of you. I surround myself with the likes of you. Genuine, pure, kind and easy people. I have an affinity with people who will not harm or take. I have respect and a genuine warmness towards people who just are.

There are people out there who will not screw your over, you need to weed them out though.

Best of luck for the future, you sound like you are going to be happy.😊

Thanks crosser62, I need your twat spotting skills!! I'll get there, now I've started to really do the work

It can be so hard to start getting boundaries but once you have them and you start to practice that way of living its amazing the stuff that crops up. I try to live a more authentic life now where I don't allow myself to be put down or the butt of someone's joke, where I'm allowed to have and express a range of emotions, and where I'm allowed to have and express times that are hard and times that are good and do what I need for both. Sounds simple right! But, this resulted in an argument with my boss when I asked to take the afternoon off and claim back some hard earned toil because my toddler had been up poorly all night and I hadn't slept- he wanted me to say if I was having a hard time but when someone actually asked for something simple he was taken a back and didn't really know what to do. I also had a big argument with my dad who started another rant about how shit my life is (DB has a high paying IT job and despite being an absolute twat who treats his gf likes dirt Dps worship him and his big job compared to me and my public sector management job) and when I walked away saying I wouldn't listen or engage in that or be spoken to like that in front of my daughter he called me 'immature'. Hmmm not sure I was the immature one there. I have found it fascinating like a weird social experiment!

Fantastic blackcat86, it's an amazing discovery. I watched some YouTube blogs about boundaries and it says you will upset people when you assert your boundaries. So worth it though, well done you!!

And a public sector management job is also a big job so your dad should be proud 🤷‍♀️

Following closely! Like you op I've not had boundaries. I tried to please everyone and no one was happy with me. It drove my self worth down. Then I was put down by these very same people. Never good enough. I backed off massively and visit or speak to them on my terms now (family members). I do have to rein myself in at times and initially I remembered feeling like I had to constantly have a body armour on, be alert for the nonsense that came my way and I found that exhausting. But now instead of firefighting I just don't get emotionally involved. Cut the convo short or walk away. People soon get the gist.

My mum has more oomph and self assured and I think at times it embarrassed me weirdly so I felt like I wanted to be the opposite. This amazing person who accepted anything and everything, and stupidly I thought i would be well liked.

It just meant I was walked over.

That's amazing OP, what a great idea to check with 101 and I am so pleased and proud that our police force helped and protected you, big up to them too. I work with children and young people and I talk to all of them about boundaries and putting their own needs at the centre. Mostly because of what I learned on Mumsnet. My questions for myself about boundaries are
How does your partner react towards you.in a crisis/under stress (I ended a relationship with someone who went to pieces when I thought I might be pregnant, I was the one taking the MAP feeling ill, and we were supposedly in it together but he didn't think about me at all; another time I was in agony all night with an ear infection - he moaned that I kept him awake and went to work, leaving me to walk 45 minutes to the nearest open pharmacy who were lovely and made me sit down and then take a taxi to my GP.)
Do you have to walk on eggshells around their feelings? What happens if you don't? What happens when you say no?
You don't have to be in any relationship - do you fancy them and are they good enough for you.

Well done OP on finding & setting up your boundaries.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and sadly thought it was acceptable, even expected to put up with appallingly bad behaviour on so many levels because they were your parent & loved you 🤷‍♀️

When I was younger I let people walk all over me, friends, partners, bosses etc. I felt I couldnt create a scene or a fuss, just had to shut up and put up. All this goes right back to my upbringing, I can see that now.

I gradually realised over time, when I moved out of home, I could choose to challenge & change they way I was being treated.

Im happy with my life now, Im confident to stand up to people & walk away if I dont feel comfortable with a person or situation. Life is a lot calmer & simpler now!

That’s great to hear! I think boundaries are about deciding what you want, rather than waiting for others to impose their decisions on you. Ask yourself ‘is this right for me? Do I feel comfortable?’it’s not about steamrollering over other people, you have to respect their boundaries too.

What’s great is that once you start saying something is unacceptable to to you, in a calm way, with no massive over-explanation it’s so much easier the next time.

I used to tell white lies (and some much greyer ones!) to make my life easier, but I try really hard now to be honest in my dealings with people. That for me is a boundary, trying to be truthful, trying to be more open. It gives me more confidence, I’m less apologetic because I know I’ve been authentic.

I learnt about how we learn to tell lies because we’re afraid people won’t like the ‘real us’, it’s bound up with shame. I was unhappy throughout childhood but covered it up by creating stories and it became a habit, a lie would be out of my mouth before the truth ever got a chance.

Good luck with your search for authenticity, it’s a great journey, I think you’re off to a great start.

Excellent post OP.

So much of this resonates with me, and I feel exactly the same. Always the people pleaser and keeping the peace and trying to do that for an 'easy life"

Went from an EA marriage to a EA relationship. Good grief, why it took me a year to see that I have no idea. When I started to speak out in that relationship things just went downhill big time. I was told I was always picking for fight if I disagreed with something etc etc. I learned a whole lot about myself, and like you say, not just getting into better shape physically, but being okay about saying NO. I think that was one of the least used words in my relationships. It was always a 'OK then' or along those lines.

How does your partner react towards you.in a crisis/under stress

This jumped out at me - as this is hugely important. During the one year relationship I mentioned, I unfortunately lost my brother, which was one of the most devastating things that has happened to me. We were best friends and he died suddenly. This partner said he would drop everything to be there for me, etc etc. When he did get there he have me a hug and the first words he said to me were "you will be okay". No, I wasn't okay then and am still not okay, but that was his answer to anything. I had to have a biopsy too, his words "you'll be okay". How do you know that before I have even had it!! Argh sorry I am ranting now but how did i think that was him being caring at the time. It infuriates me now. So yes, I can see that I now have some boundries in place.

Life is a lot calmer & simpler now!

Absolutley MrsBClinton

Fantastic, great to hear I'm not the only one who didn't really recognise boundaries. When I was young I was always told I was clever, intelligent etc but I was so dumb when it came to the subtle intricacies of relationships. We need to educate more people about boundaries, they are so important!!

And scrapthatthen the police were amazing, there's obviously been a huge campaign since coercive control became illegal because they couldn't have been more fantastic. I always liked the police force but now I think they're amazing, they obviously see DV a lot and recognise it even without the physical violence. It makes a huge difference that the police can come to your aid when you're in a really sark place with a relationship but don't have bruises to show.

Dark not sark!

Well done you ! I'm the same as you . I really had no idea about physiological abuse & it's affects . I too have learnt so much from Mumsnet & GDAS ( DV support service ) Absolutely life changing . I'm in my 60 's & feel liberated & educated !

Psychological abuse !!🤦🏻‍♀️

Fascinating thread. I think I'm a bit of a mixture, sometimes I can spot red flags a mile away (although I haven't always listened to my instincts). Other times I am far too people-pleasing.

In relationships I think I learned an awful lot from the teen magazines I devoured back in the 80s. The problem pages, the photo stories. I also spot things in my friends relationships that I would not put up with.

It's at work I have more problems. There are a certain type of person that I can spot who are utterly charming but when you look closer are very self-centred. I can spot and deal with those. But there are also others who I know I let walk over me to some extent because its more hassle saying no than just letting them. I worry too much about upsetting people or causing them more work.

Me too! I didnt know you could refuse medical treatment until my mid 30s. I read it on here. That kickstartet a lot of changes for me. I say no to dhs family a lot these days. And Im much happier for it.