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Work and anxiety

8 replies

DarkDarkNight · 13/07/2020 20:53

I had my first day back at work today since lockdown and already feel sick and overwhelmed with anxiety. I have felt so free not being there and after one day I am back: my stomach feels heavy, I have a lump in my throat and my mind has not stopped whirring. I feel like I have no head space for anything else.

I long to be confident and competent but I am rubbish, it takes ages for me to learn things and if anything goes wrong I just can’t deal with it in a rational way. I get home and replay things obsessively, I am snappy with everyone because I can’t think of anything else but work.

To top it off I may be made redundant. There is no good outcome, I lose my job and get no redundancy pay as I haven’t been there long enough, or I keep a job that overwhelms me with even less staff.

I feel like I have an avoidant personality type and learned helplessness, I’ve always been this way. Has anyone else got the same kind of personality and has found a job where they feel comfortable and capable?

OP posts:
swimkiwipanda · 15/07/2020 00:55

Hey op, you sound like you are being really hard on yourself. Give it time as its only the first day back. Take care of yourself with relaxing activities. You won't be the only person thinking/feeling like this.

In answer to your question, I have anxiety, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, ADHD, perfectionism, intrusive thoughts, and I really don't do well in a crisis or when I am being dictated what to do. What works for me is 2-3 days at home, 2-3 days in the office. The main part of my job is a skill I feel competent in. I also take longer to learn things, but I don't think this should be an obstruction, to anyone, in the workplace. I do get overwhelmed and am not sure I have the best coping strategies. A few that help are accepting that good enough is okay and focusing on no more than 1-3 priorities at a time. I am guilty of off loading quite a lot emotionally to my manager, I can't help it at the moment with this bloody social distancing. Exercise, journalling, relaxation exercises are also good strategies.

I can't work out how I feel about the future either. I am still in my probation, the job is not quite what I signed up for, and who knows...and do I even want to do it full time anymore. I don't have answers but am putting away some savings as at least this will give some options. At the moment I am leaning towards cutting back hours and doing something else 1 day a week that is demanding in a different way. X

DarkDarkNight · 16/07/2020 00:25

Thank you for replying. I work with very capable and confident people and that makes it so much worse.

When I am at home I am talking to myself in my head all the time. I run scenarios through my head all the time regarding work. it makes me feel sick. I wish there was a skill I felt competent in. I genuinely feel there is nothing I could do. In my last job I used to obsessively check with people and look at SOPs even though really I knew it was right, I promised myself in this job I wouldn’t do that.

I keep trying to give myself talks, saying I could have a fresh start and get better but I’ve already proved I can’t do it.

I feel like such a fraud to fill in a form about the redundancy process and list my skills and portray myself positively. I can’t compare to the other people, and everybody knows it isn’t true.

OP posts:
swimkiwipanda · 16/07/2020 02:35

Hi op, I don't often repost on threads but feel like you need a virtual hug! Also are you me as we sound similar.

Are the people you work with really all capable and confident? I get how that would make you feel, but everyone is faking to a degree I think. Or at least everyone has areas of confidence and weakness.

I totally talk to myself at home too. I went through a period of doing it A LOT, when I was very stressed, then one day in the shower caught myself doing it and was like WHAT am I doing, if someone saw me I would seem crazy and something clicked in my brain that it just wasn't the solution or wasn't helping. I think on some level I knew/know it is a symptom/sign of anxiety/stress. Not quite sure what the answer is. Less stress, more relaxation.

Getting diagnosed with ADHD helped me a lot, when I first took ADHD medication something I was not expecting was to realise how much more emotionally regulated I felt and how much time I previously spent worrying about what other people think! On the talking to yourself front, are you very isolated? I know this doesn't help me, so I try and speak to someone everyday, and definitely not more than 2 days on my own. The other thing I was going to suggest is having down time after work. Also having an end of day ritual, so you can leave work behind, like 10-15 mins to wrap up at the end of the day. On the scenarios, are these because you don't know what the outcome will be/how to approach it, or imagining worst case scenarios? I find I often don't know the outcome or how to approach things and can get myself in pickles...there are different strategies I guess like casually asking a colleague/manager for adhoc advice (people love to give advice, it makes them feel helpful, its free, plus it gives me some confidence in my approach, win win), or presenting people with a couple of options to help clarify what they want. Also been reading outside my job, doing a few free courses. I often google things I don't know, not sure that is always wise as there is almost too much information and its not always accurate! I haven't tried this but I imagine brainstorming a few approaches then picking one might help. Have you thought your skill is being a generalist? Being accurate/thorough is also a much needed skill! Overchecking for me is a sign of being a bit overworked/stressed and needing some kindness. Its not always easy, can you get any time off? Do you have an employee assistance program/are work giving any support with the redundancy process? Thats all fairly daunting stuff to deal with. You have just as much right as everyone else to have a shot so just do your best.

I've already proved I can't do it Courage and faith only come from trying. Start small. That's what I am trying to teach myself at the moment to overcome my defeatism.

DarkDarkNight · 16/07/2020 20:54

I’m sorry you feel the same way, it’s not a nice way to live.

The people I work with really are so capable and confident. Most are science graduates, lots with Masters/PHDs. The job I applied for you only needed GCSEs and previous experience in a similar industry, it feels wrong to be on the same pay and as some of them. Obviously lots of them will move up in the company they won’t stay at my level but I feel inadequate around them. I often wish I could have just a day of feeling the way they do, of having that assurance.

That’s funny you said about caring too much about what people think. That is me to a tee. I am hyper aware of this, I embarrass so easily and am afraid to do and say things because of what people may think.

There’s me and my son at home. I am quite isolated, I have a close family but no one to talk to or confide in. If I try talking to my mum she will say ‘no you are good at your job, they wouldn’t have took you on, you’re clever enough’ but I just want to get out actually I am incompetent and struggle with my job. If I’ve had a bad day I just want to run through all the events in my head, and I haven’t got the headspace for a conversation or chit chat.

Thank you so much for understanding.

OP posts:
swimkiwipanda · 16/07/2020 22:50

it feels wrong to be on the same pay and as some of them With greatest respect, you are almost discriminating against yourself. You got the job, on the salary you are on, don"t sell yourself short (I am quite passionate about this). I would say to a friend never mind what other people get paid (and I would say the same to someone feeling disgruntled that other people get paid more, salary resentment is not a good attitude to cultivate, I say that from experience having felt this way for a while before). Maybe you might think (in a more positive mood) gosh I'm lucky, I got this opportunity when there are other people who have degrees etc. Why shouldn't you be lucky? God knows there are enough twists and turns in life. Saying all that I do get it, its like Imposter Syndrome. I suffer/suffered with this a lot. It was only when I got to a position of more responsibility, through hard work (and a little bit of being lucky with opportunities) and felt more anxious that I read about Imposter Syndrome and the fact that it never goes away! In fact it gets worse the more successful someone becomes! I sometimes think I don't deserve to get paid what I do now because of covid19 and sometimes want to run away from it all but have kind of made my peace that I can only do the best I can do, as long as you are trying, making the effort, that is what counts. When you are bored and tired and don't want to do it anymore in your heart, then its time to move on.

The only advice I can give is to watch/observe/analyse successful people. What is it they have/do that seems to make them successful? I have learned a bit from doing this. Also if there are areas in your job that you genuinely find harder than other people seem to, or know that you don't know how to do, just lay it all out and ask yourself what areas am I weaker in here, why does it take me longer to do X, what would make it easier, do I need to know more about Y, do I need someone to talk through with me how to do Z, or how they would approach it so I can learn. Once you start doing this, the weight lifts and it feels less like 'it's me, there is something wrong with me'. I know as I have been there, for a long time. As I said before the jigsaw piece for me was accepting that I am neurodiverse. I totally get that frustrated pent up feeling, I remember having quite an intense meltdown quite early on in my job as to why it took me so long to do things. My thoughts were telling me there is something wrong with me, my feelings were telling me this is bad, my conscience was finding it hard to reconcile between the unfairness (why can't I do it), not wanting to accept that maybe I just don't have it, not wanting to admit it for fear of being 'found out'. The honest truth is I don't actually have it, that innate ability to turn a piece of work around super quick, super organised, amidst the chaos of a busy day, I have to work really hard at it.

It is hard when people say no you really have this as it puts on more pressure! Also I imagine the parent dynamic (parents always want to help, mean well etc. right) when trying to talk about work feels a bit hard. Are there are any external work networks you can join up with? Colleagues you can confide in? Totally random but something like Toast Masters (been meaning to do this) is great for confidence.

The other thing, which I totally need to do, I read about is if you have an event that has stressed you out, do a physical activity that matches the intensity of the emotion to dissipate some of the feeling, then its easier to move on. Slightly upset = have a bath. Feeling overwhelmed = have a walk. Etc. Its not easy with lockdown. Making time for you where you can.

Ps I think caring what people think is a good thing if you can refine it and hone it/direct it so its caring about the important things (work wise I mean) - still learning.

DarkDarkNight · 07/08/2020 22:26

I just wanted to come back to this thread and thank you for such a thoughtful response swimkiwipanda. I’ve been looking through this board for topics that reflect how I’m feeling at the minute and stumbled upon my own thread.

OP posts:
Eliphanbee · 13/08/2020 08:54

Reading this, it sounds just like me..crazy imposter syndrome, and I'm sure my colleagues notice my lack of confidence

AL75 · 21/10/2020 22:12

So glad I found this thread and I don’t feel alone in these thoughts. Started my 6 month contract in August as an accounts assistant after a year of rejections in interviews looking for work. I lost all my confidence. Maths has always been my weakest subject but life has put me in that path last 20 years and banking / reconciliation is all I know. I have always emphasised on my strongest points like good time management and attention to detail which got me through. But with this job sometimes I find overwhelming and terrified one day the manager will say I am rubbish and show me the door. This job is my only hope. I get panic attacks and feel anxious and my heart races.

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