Health anxiety and being terrified to die and leave my kids.

[ssd]

I've had health anxiety ever since mum died. It took me 2 years to start feeling semi normal. I can't put my kids through that. I know we all die at some point, but I was 46 when mum died and it still almost killed me.
Every little thing wrong with me, or unusual with me and I want yo see a Dr. But in Scotland just now it's gp appointments by phone. I've got something I'm worried about and I can't even say it here, I can't write it down as then it becomes real. It might be nothing or it might kill me, I don't know yet. I don't think it's serious but my anxiety , and Dr Google, has my mind burying me. That's how my health anxiety works, I can't see it logically and sensibly, I go from symptoms to being dead in 2 seconds. I wouldn't mind if it was just me, but the thought of my kids feeling like I did and have done since mum died is horrendous. I just can't do it, it terrifies me.
I know I sound like a screwball, dh tells me to stop worrying so much. But it's like telling a fish not to swim.

I had cbt and counselling. It all made sense at the time, but when I get a new symptom I panic. Its the uncertainty.

I feel like a basket case.

Reading that back I know this is no way to live.

I hope no one else feels like this.
It's hellish.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum and all you have been through since
I have not suffered with health anxiety before but I have suffered and had help with general anxiety before, would not wish anxiety on anyone, at its worst I felt like I had gone mad.

I don't know exactly how you feel but what helped me was the slow realisation that whilst bad things do happen to good people (so there is no point in me saying "don't worry, everything will be OK, your children won't lose you at a young age" because sadly nobody can guarantee that), you can do what you can to sensibly minimise the risks, so in your case by taking care of your health, and that by knowing that if the very worst does happen (everything crossed that this is not the case), that loved ones can and do cope. I hope that makes sense. In the meantime, might you be able to find a counsellor who specialises in health anxiety? I found hypnotherapy and also meditation to helpful too.

Thank you. I hadn't thought of a counsellor who specialises in health anxiety. I did pay a private counsellor about a year ago, but I could only afford 4 or 5 sessions. I did find it really good though, I wish I could afford more.
Anxiety is awful isn't it. I'm in my 50s, but when mum died I found my old school reports and age 8 my report said "ssd suffers from anxiety when facing new challenges "... So true. I don't think I've passed my anxiety onto the dcs though, dh us calmer than me and I hope they get that from him.
I'm wondering if it's a mum thing, we feel so responsible for everything?

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum and your health anxiety.
I'm also suffering from health anxiety at the minute and have the same concerns as you. I had my third baby two weeks before lockdown and I think this has just made my anxiety spiral.
I am constantly looking for things that might be wrong with me and once I have had reassurance about one issue, I notice something else. It is exhausting. There's something I'm concerned about at the minute, but am just trying to put it to the back of my mind, as I've just had a different issue that developed during pregnancy checked out and given the ok. Not sure I can face more tests and worry as I've been in such a state.

OP, I feel what you're saying. I suffered HA after and extremely traumatic pregnancy and birth. Long story short, I beat it but recent family events have made it rear its head again. I lost a family member to a stroke, immediately followed by losing another to suicide immediately followed by 2 other members of my family making serious attempts on their life but failing.
Every little symptom has me rushing to Dr Google, at deaths door or diagnosed with something hideous. I have no control over it right now, I wish I did though.
Sending