Fulough me – Drop me Down – Take My Independence
I wanted to share some of my latest thoughts.
To set the scene, I’m a married mother of two; been furloughed since March - sometime, when schools shut and yesterday I was diagnosed as having mild anxiety and allocated ‘happy pills’ after visiting the doctors.
I’ve been that go-getting mum from day one - doing all sorts of craft, adventures and teaching with my children for 15 weeks or whatever the hell we’re on now. I’ve had good days and bad days. My school that the kids attend (7 and 10) are effectively a huge fucking waste of time as far as teaching, keeping in touch with children and setting meaningful work for the children to do, so it rests on – me.
Until now, I’ve had the highs and lows like we all have. But we’ve always maintained routine and persistence with some form of daily work, fun – ensuring that after work they get free-time to do as they wish. Goal achieved. Screen time is still somewhat a ‘treat’ for them. Bonus.
Until now, I’ve plodded on, missing my life, missing routine, missing independence and peace.
I’ve come to learn that over the weeks of this utterly depressing pandemic, that I am more of an introvert than I thought; a sociable introvert at that (took a quiz to tell me that). I’ve also learnt that I don’t have anything left - for me.
And that’s where I’ve struggled. Oh and I’m jealous of everyone else while I’m in my (as my husband put it) “self-created-prison” – locked in my turret for security.
Yes, I’m not working because, as per the title, I’m furloughed from my two-day a week Marketing position in a manufacturing firm. (Clearly no one needs PR, marketing and the likes in these shitty times) – therefore, they don’t need me. I’m not going to get started on the feelings of inadequacy and unwantedness this starts and resonates through me every day.
“Oh but I’d love to be in your shoes, getting paid (80% government funding) to do nothing, wish I was you, I have to work and look after the kids at the same time”. The number of fucking times I’ve heard that.
Do you know how utterly worthless I feel being ‘dumped’ quite literally from my job and thrust into a situation that I didn’t choose (I know many others are too before you start) - while some of my colleagues are beavering away but some of us are not.
Not to look a gift-horse in the mouth (who on earth created such a ridiculous phrase) – but yes, I do get paid….my empathy extends a long way to those who haven’t but right now, I’m focusing in ‘the boat I’m riding down the rapids in’ – my alternative to ‘we’re all in the same boat’ – well no, we fucking well aren’t ok.
So what I have left – is no me time, no time to keep my house tidy (which I clearly merit myself in – strangely), school work, constantly needed by my lovely children who require me all day long to help with work, food, snacks, free time, diary management, entertainment and planning day in day out, love and support – bless their little cotton socks, it’s not easy for any of us I know. No constant, no time (aside from stomping out of the house for the occasional trudge on my own where I’m not dragging my little gorgeous bundles with me).
I broke down. I quite literally cried for 2 weeks. Family think I have awful PMT (thanks!!) – that may be so but its fully accentuated by the lack of eating what I want, being me, doing what I want without the constant nag of guilt I’m not doing enough for everyone else; keeping up with friends and so on.
Oh how selfish can you be? Rhetorical question.
I can be selfish in saying – I like me time, I don’t get me time – not in the sense of I literally am not responsible for a husband, cats, children, meals, housework or anything just for a few hours. This has not happened and has only done so today because I’ve literally ‘lost it’ and been put on happy pills (which I only take when I feel the anxiety rising might I add).
So, I’m locked in my home (like the rest of the nation - and world) for however many weeks and I have anxiety leaving the house that leaves me panicking and having trouble breathing.
Get over it – just push yourself and get on with it, it’s what you’ve got to do. Get back on that metaphorical horse.
This clearly is not what I want to hear (much like – oh you’ve got it easy, I wish I was in your situation – do you bloody well, do you?).
So I might have to go back to work in 3 weeks – anxiety-ridden, confidence-knocked and fearful. This is going to be a fun challenge. But I’ll get some me time – time to be myself rather than everyone-else’s go to but is that the answer.
Make time for yourself ladies, escaping the house for a walk helps but doesn’t resolve the underlying issue – we never signed up for this – none of us did but we have to protect ourselves and mental well-being.
Wise words – find time to do something for you, not something you have to do.
Today, day 1 of healing myself – I did some of an online course, I stared (I do a lot of that – might look like an idiot but I stare blankly a lot), I ate what I wanted and I breathed – with the help of my parents taking their precious grandkids out for a few hours.
I’ve got a way to go but – furlough, fuck-off.
Question - Is giving drugs for these people left to pick up everyone else’s lives really the answer? There is a mental health crisis setting in here, I know I’ll get out of this but watch out NHS – a new pandemic is upon us….
Look after yourselves.