I just feel so done with life. I'm childless, so don't even have the excuse of being exhausted as a result of caring for someone else. Lockdown barely affected my lifestyle other than not working for a few weeks, which to be honest felt like a relief. I know it's really selfish to say that as lots of people have it much worse than me right now. The idea of another 30+ years of plodding through life, mostly feeling empty and indifferent scares me.
My friend wants to visit me tomorrow. I feel awful saying it but I just want to cancel as I feel like I'd be terrible company because I'm on such a downer right now. I've spent most of today feeling spaced out and crying on and off for no specific reason. I'm also embarassed about how messy and dirty my house is. My partner doesn't really care about housework and I've let things slide too far, so getting back on track feels overwhelming. I also don't care enough to make a start.
I've taken antidepressants in the past (several different ones) and they just seem to make my moods more erratic.
I found myself packing a bag earlier, but I have no idea where I'd even go to.