Friends uninterested in PND

[ClematisRose]

Hi everyone, wondering if anyone could offer some advice. About two years ago I did a antenatal course. I found the advice in it was fairly useless (the usual 'breath through the contractions' stuff that just didn't work for my difficult birth) but I did make a few friends through it. Yesterday I met a few of them for a walk with our buggies. We got talking about PTSD (not sure how we got onto the subject!), and I ended up telling them that I had had therapy for PND and PTSD following the birth. I also became very physically ill in the four/five weeks after the birth. I have never told anyone about this at all, except for my husband and one very close friend. However, I've been feeling a bit better recently but coming off antidepressants has been difficult. My husband suggested that perhaps I bottle things up too much, and it would be good to be more open.
Well, I thought I would try. I felt really embarrassed talking about it, and I could feel my throat getting a bit tight. However, my friends' reaction was so strange. They kind of just ignored what I said and then went back to talking about something else, and then we just ended up our normal routine of exchanging stories about our children. When I got home I thought one of them might text me, but nothing.
I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting this. I think if I had been in their position, I like to think I would have expressed some sympathy. Anyway I feel quite let down, but part of me thinks maybe this is kind of the message I need? I've often wondered if, deep down, one of the reasons I developed PND was because in the first few months of dc's life, instead of just trying to recover, I found myself going all over the place to meet people who perhaps I don't really have much in common with. Anyway, do tell me if you think I am being unrealistic and a bit sensitive. Just want some thoughts really.

I think often people don't know what to say or how to respond. Sometimes it can feel like expressing sympathy isn't the appropriate response, but likewise praise or congratulations doesn't feel quite right either. Words don't always come naturally in any given situation.

Unless they are generally uncaring or uninterested people, I wouldn't have thought it would have been an intentional blanking out of what you'd said. Most likely fear of seeming rude or nosey for asking questions or like they'd be prying and dragging up negative feelings or emotions for you.

I think if people haven't experienced it, they can't fully understand it and maybe did not know what to say.
Coming from someone that has experienced it, I can emphathise and if you were my friend we could have had a in depth chat and you wouldn't have felt alone.

OUCH. You were brave enough to open up and deserved a better reaction. Sorry OP.

No I don't think you're being insensitive. I would feel the same in your position.

However - Are these people truly your friends or acquaintances? What are they usually like in terms of support? Is it possible they may have not heard/misheard something you said? Are they close friends or the superficial "mummy friend" type? This makes a difference to how they might react.

I understand not knowing what to say, but I'd like to think most people could manage a "sorry to hear that" if nothing else.

I’m really sorry that was your experience. Having experienced PND, I know the hurt and pain. I shared with a few people but didn’t really get much of a response either. I guess unless a person has gone through it they don’t understand.

Thanks @AnnieMaul and @Someone1987 - I think probably you're right and that they just didn't know what to say. Interesting you didn't get much of a response either @Xyzzzzz - I'm sorry that happened to you as well.

Well @SnackBitch2020 that's an interesting question, are they superficial 'mummy friend' type? Perhaps that's what it is. They're not unpleasant people at all - very nice - but would I have been friends with them in another context? Maybe not, if I'm honest.

It’s very strange that women who had also gone through birth had no visible empathy for you OP. Maybe they just come to talk about their children and aren’t interested in making it deeper than that? I’m sorry you experienced that, there will definitely be women out there who have shared your experience and are interested in discussing it.

Yes @ClematisRose it is quite sad and the opposite of what I expected tbh.

It is quite sad OP. I think perhaps these 'friends' aren't really friends in the true sense of the word. More acquaintances. You've been honest and talked about it and well done that you have.

I must admit after I had my eldest, I had a terrible time with PND and I lost a lot of my 'friends' because of it. I didn't let people see what was really going on and stopped contacting people because of it. I was scared to let them see I was falling apart and not coping. The people who truly cared reached out to me. There were those who didn't and they have now fallen by the wayside.

I think you need to decide what you want to do now based on their reaction. You can still maintain the friendship but accept that it is not perhaps as deep or close as you had previously thought.

We got talking about PTSD (not sure how we got onto the subject) and I ended up telling them I had therapy

So presumably your friends were discussing PTSD in general, it wasn't a taboo subject of conversation.
It would be a natural progression to touch on your own experiences. I don't think you did anything wrong. It's great to be open about these things, it's not your dirty secret.

Perhaps your friends sensed you were getting upset and a bit embarrassed and tried to lighten the mood and change the subject so you weren't uncomfortable?
Very poor social skills not to acknowledge your account and show some sympathy though.

My husband can be a bit odd like this sometimes. He hates discussing mental health, refused to talk to me about his best friend's cancer diagnosis and won't discuss his mum's terminal illness. It's as if in not talking about these uncomfortable issues they'll somehow go away.

@Fatted thank you for your comment. Yes I think I do need to decide what to do. I don't want to ditch them exactly, but I think this has been a bit of a wake up call about the nature of the friendship.
@SmileyClare Yes perhaps they could just tell I was getting a bit upset - but yes I think poor social skills, I would have said something sympathetic I think!
Well @Cocobean30 they both had relatively 'normal' births, one in particular had a very straightforward time. I don't think she realises what it's like, I remember them texting each other at the time saying things like 'well done on doing it with no pain relief' etc. Both also found breastfeeding fairly straightforward whereas I had a bit of a nightmare with it! So perhaps they just don't understand.

I have been honest about my own mental health difficulties OP and found that some people respond well and some others don’t acknowledge you’ve spoken and just move the conversation in a different direction. It was hard for me to stay friendly with those who didn’t acknowledge me. I think they probably just felt a bit awkward or something but I didn’t feel there was a relationship after that.

Well done to you for starting to talk and open up, it takes courage. You’ll find you don’t get the reactions you’d have hoped for from everyone, but you will from some people.

I hope you’re feeling stronger now. Take care of yourself :-)