I dunno if it's lockdown but I really am struggling with my mental health, I've struggled with depression and anxiety since about the age of 15. Again i think because of lockdown it's all been too much as it will have been for many others but I just feel I need to get it off my chest how I feel so hence why I'm writing this. From the back end of last year I was looking for a new job as I was struggling financially and finally got a new job in March. I was due to start the day before lockdown was called so I never got to start and I asked to be furloughed from my previous job but they took weeks to respond to me and then when they finally did they reopened again so they never had to pay me any furlough. Luckily I was already in receipt of universal credits but i still was struggling for money. I am the kind of person who has to be at work to distract themselves from their own thoughts so not being at work this long is just making me over think myself into a hole I can't seem to get out of. My new work said they have to wait to see what clients are like in the second phase to then see if they can bring me in and I just can't wait any longer so I've applied to college and am now looking at other jobs. My main problem though now is I cannot tell you how sh*t I feel about myself, I feel like a mess, ugly, I've thought myself into thinking my boyfriend isn't attracted to me anymore and now I feel so nervous at the thought of trying it on with him but I'm too scared to tell him how I've thought myself into this point because I know it's so stupid but I just can't see what he sees in me. Am so fed up of myself, so fed up of my own stupid brain working all night and day to just make me feel crap about myself and I just don't have anyone to talk to about it because I feel it's me who's being stupid.
I'm sorry for this long rant, I just need to get this off my chest before I burst. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep, I'm sick of feeling useless and that I'm putting nothing into society as I'm not working, not doing anything but cleaning my flat and even then I actually struggle to get up and be productive any time before 2pm. I've become a lazy slob but it's just not me and I can't cope anymore.