So, like any other mother, I love my kids and want to do the best by them. I’m married, and have 3 children under 3, the youngest being 3 months. I’m a SAHM, but I also have a Teaching career waiting for me should I want to return.
Basically, something just isn’t right with me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but im not quite right. Lockdown isn’t helping, I’ll admit, and I’ve got myself into a right Covid bubble where I’m literally petrified to leave the house. My older kids have been plucked from nursery since March and we’ve just been locked down; throw in a newborn to the mix and I expect some sort of weird feelings will emerge.
My main concern is how I’m dealing with it. I deal with the kids 99% of the times, my husband could be more supportive, but even when he offers support, my anxiety is ramped up and i literally feel like I can’t part with any job. So for example, my 3 month old was playing hells bells and screaming non stop, I had just made a lovely lasagne from scratch, my other two kids were in bed and I was really looking forward to sitting down to my first meal of the day (I had been too busy previously in the day to eat) before he started his antics. My husband offered to take him and settle him several times, but I physically couldn’t let go. I felt like my brain split in two, one side screaming “hand him over! You need a break!” And the other side saying “no, this is your job! You are his mother! Nobody else will care for him like you”. I have the same feelings with my older two, I feel like Nobody will care for them like me, even their father. But when I think logically, I know he will try his best to do things as good and quick as me. I find it very very very difficult to be out of sight of my children. As I type this, I am sitting upstairs trying to unwind and my husband is downstairs with the three month old - I cannot relax. I feel like I need to go down and bring my son up. Is this normal? I feel so out of sorts.