I’m just feeling so so low right now.

[sweetkitty]

I’ve start back on anti depressants citalopram 20mg 4 weeks ago but they aren’t really helping. I’ve been in floods of tears today mostly thinking about my DCs. All this talk about seeing grandparents and family and creating bubbles and we have no one to see or create a bubble with. A close friend posted a video last night of her surprising her parents travelling 150 miles to see them and it was so lovely. DHs parents are both dead. I am NC with my abusive mother and my Dad practically couldn’t care less. We used to be close to my SIL but the past couple of years she’s gone really odd to the extent we’d ask to visit and were fobbed off constantly. (She lives 50 miles away so it’s a day trip). My brother kind of blows hot and cold as well. So we really have no family as such. I feel so sorry for my DC growing up without doting grandparents. DH and I have never had a night out alone but that’s ok.

There’s also loads of other stuff going on and I just feel completely swamped my health isn’t great either, I don’t want to get up in the morning just want to pull the duvet over my head and stay there. Life is too painful (literally I live with constant pain).

I don’t know how to make any of it better

I'm sorry that your family have failed you. You can't change them sadly, and it sucks.

You've been very sensible however in creating a family with your DH and DC. You don't have a big, extended family, but you have a small, precious one that is a your own. Love it, cherish it (even when the kids are difficult and DH hasn't done the washing up and you've tripped over that bloody toy again) and you'll all flourish.

Big hugs, it's very hard.

I have no wise words, other than just saying so much is hard at present. You’re not alone.

Thank you unfortunately DH is one of the problems, my DC are amazing though. Like everyone else this year has been so tough on them but they are doing great.

Anti depressants can take 6 weeks to work. There may be scope to increase them, or there are others to try. Do you have supportive friends?

I know I think I’ll need to up them next time I see the doctor but unfortunately they do not improve life situations - they do not make family care or change peoples personalities. Or make me not hurt everyday.

So sorry you are going through a tough time OP. As others have said, perhaps upping the meds will get you through this period. I understand the feeling of isolation, I'm not close to some family members myself. Do you have friends you can lean on? Could you pop round for a garden visit and a chat alone without dc? What about your dh, you said he's part of the problem and you have other life things bothering you too. Could issues with your dh or the 'other things' be resolved in any way in order to make life a bit easier for you?

Thanks had another bad day today botched tradesman job last year going to cost loads to put right

Friends is a bit of a sticky subject - at the start of lockdown I had a really stressful week I work with severely autistic children and we were being told by management to social distance, wash hands etc which is impossible. We didn’t know what was happening with schools closing etc half the staff went home shielding so we were very short staffed, combining classes which the children hate so they were very unsettled and they can be violent. So I had a bit of a rant on a Friday night and a close friend ripped into me saying I shouldn’t be in my job and she was disgusted with me. Only one other friend stuck up for me and said sweet kitty loves her job and her children she’s frustrated as she can’t keep them safe. It was a horrible personal attack and not the first time she’s had a go at my job just things like my holidays etc.

I just feel on the outside of the group now. No one I can really talk to

@sweetkitty

I'm so sorry life is so tough right now sending you an UnMumsnetty hug ((hug)).

That's really awful that your 'friend' attacked you like that. Your job sounds incredibly stressful at this time and you're only human. I'd struggle to cope with that situation too during a pandemic. I'm sure you love the children as your other friend said. You may find the others just weren't brave enough to speak up for you, sadly. It must be awful to feel your in a safe place to talk and then that happens. Why don't you reach out to the supportive friend? Or friends you don't see very often but have a bond with? I feel that when one thing gets to me like that then everything piles up and I need to get it out.

Thanks I just don’t feel like I fit in with my group of friends, they have an interest I’m not a part of so when we’re are together they often talk about it and I’m kind of left out (I don’t think they intentionally mean it just that it’s a huge part of their working and social lives) I can’t get involved either. My supportive friend is lovely but has so much going on with her own life. I just feel so so alone. Social distancing/not seeing friends and family - nothing really changed for me sadly.

@sweetkitty sounds like you need to find your tribe then? What hobbies or interests do you have? Can you get involved in a new community group that may have popped up since Covid started?

Understand this may feel overwhelming with very low mood and everything else though, so just an idea. I just truly believe everyone has a tribe out there where they can feel accepted and seek comfort/advice /validation etc

@AnonUser2018 I don’t know if there’s a tribe out there for weirdos like me
I’m hoping once more Covid restrictions are lifted things might get a bit better

I only just came across this thread and I just wanted to say you are definitely not alone. Sending you a big HUG. I've wanted to post your message for so long. Since all these videos about families desperate to hug and see each other can make you feel so depressed. None of my family are bothered about seeing me - I offered to visit in the garden (a day trip) and was told "we're not ready". DM and DF are still "shielding" because of their age so not allowing us to visit however they see my DB and family (who live in same town) and have seen my Dsis and her DH (who visited for day). They also visit hairdressers and go out and about if they want to. It hurts so much. I see elderly people out and about and keeping their distance. I feel if they loved me they would be want to see me and my DD. My DD has no other family because exDH parents are dead and he was an only child and never kept in touch with any family. I do feel sorry for her and for me. DM sends money and cards for birthdays etc and we speak once a week but to be honest - I would rather have a hug from someone who really cared. Just wanted to say you are not alone and families come in all forms. Not everyone's family is like the adverts/videos. Enjoy your children and friends as much as possible and try to connect with other people in the community/neighbours etc. Everywhere I go (and through work) I meet lovely people who I speak to for a short time and then go home and often cry like you xx