3rd trimester, 31 weeks. Bawling like a baby and CANNOT stop. Like have been crying for hours. I cant stop. I had a fetal fibronectin test the other day to ensure i wasnt going into labour and the "doctor" (i use that term looseley) jammed the unlubed speculum in me. It got stuck and i was screaming, if i could tell her to stop i wouldve but all i could see was blinding lights of pain.. she continued and shouted at me to open my legs more... but they werent the problem it was my position on the bed... if i couldve verbalised it i wouldve but all i could do was a "muted scream"
Ive been bleeding from the test which has put me on edge and made me feel even more touchy. But midwife says its normal :(
I spoke to my mum whos a midwife (well only just retired) and although initially sympathetic, she then proceeded to moan at me when i winced or verbalised any discomfort (from spd or round ligament pain) She told me to stop making so much noise and that out of all the thousands of women shed seen, i moaned the most.
This is what shes like. Until my husband walked into the room and she tried to rephrase...to save face.
I just feel like my mum, and the midwives and drs at the hospital have NO BEDSIDE manner. Im desperate for just a tiny bit of "there there" but cant find it. Every midwife is pushing me to have a vaginal delivery but everytime i get internal scans or examinations theyre so rough with me and I bleed.
I just feel so.....violated. Like im a peice of meat. And everyone wants things to go in and come out of THERE without any regard for my feelings.
Yes, im an emotional type, and usually i can brush of this behaviour from my mum. But it feels like in the last few months ive yet to have a nurse, midwife, dr seem genuinely bothered about how i am.
I feel...vulnerable, violated and useless. I cant seem to get out of this state.. i just cant.
My husbands trying to understand but its almost if i need A WOMAN to agree with me and understand.
Im sorry if this posts sounds so dramatic but i cant get over how utterly bruised and shattered i feel over my mums comments and 1 awful internal exam.
Am i alone in this?