Is it too late to help my son?

[Purplecupofcoffee]

Name changed. This started many years ago. I divorced, and moved into a rented house with my son, then 15. He is/was very intelligent, but didn't turn up for his exams, decided to get a job. Kept not turning up for the job until he lost it. He was always prone to depression, but this had got worse over the years, and he's been less and less able to cope. He's had a couple of jobs, but lost them for the same reason. Now many years later, we're both living on my meagre part time wages, his mental health isn't getting any better, but he won't get a doctor, won't sign on for benefits, won't turn up for interviews if I get one for him. I know I've brought this on myself, but I just don't know what to do at this point. I swing from feeling heartbreakingly sorry for him to feeling really angry with him. I'm due to retire quite soon and I'd love to, but how? And even if I stay working, give up any semblance of a life to look after and support him, what when I die? Thank you if you've read all this, and believe me, however harshly you judge me I will agree with you.

It’s never too late.
Is he depressed at the moment? How does it manifest? Does he neglect himself? Does he have suicidal thoughts? Is he happy with how things are? If he’d like things to be different, in what way?

I don’t think it’s too late to help him but I do think you’re not best placed to make him better. He needs to take some responsibility for helping himself. That’s hard but depression doesn’t take away your abilities to make decisions.

Stop enabling him. Be kind but don’t supply all his needs. Stop paying his way. Withholding money is probably the most effective way to force him to the doctors and to investigate benefits. Where is his money coming from at the moment?

You probably need a discussion about him moving out but maybe focus on getting him seen by the doctor and onto the benefits system at the moment. Then start charging him rent and housekeeping.

If you believe he is too ill to do that and is a risk to himself ask for an assessment under the mental health act via his GP. As his next of kin, you are entitled to do that.

Have you called the MIND helpline at all? It might be worth doing? There's also information for parents and carers in your position on thier website. It's not too late but at some point you have to accept that he's an adult and your continued parenting-a-teen role might actually be counterproductive to him seeking help himself, now he's well past his teens.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/helping-someone-else-seek-help/

Never too late,
You need to be stronger with him for your own sake.
You need (as I’m sure you have done) to lay it on the line
You can’t afford to keep him, tell him your in debt anything!!
He goes to the gp (well ring)
He then signs on benefits, wether Esa or UC.
If you don’t give him the kick up the arse he needs to sort his depression out
He will be like this forever
He would have to go if you died(sorry) so he’d have to push himself then.
Stronger with him, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind

By the way I suffer with bad anxiety and depression

This is an awful situation for you op

Why do you say you have brought this on yourself? Depression is an illness and a horrible one at that. Is it because you think you have enabled him too much? Please don't think that. We all want the best for our DC and he was v young and you were going through family troubles when it started. You are being far too hard on yourself. And however hard this feels to have to do, he needs you to model a strong and positive attitude right now, so please don't allow guilt to get in the way of that. You can't change the past, you are where you are at right now.

Is he in his early twenties now? It sounds like he needs a complete change of scene/alternative perspective which could be gained from volunteering or travel. Would he be too depressed to do that currently?

Some sort of eco volunteering project might be good where he builds footpaths or repairs dry stone walls as they provide: structure, a new skill, physical work, companionship, a regular routine, fresh air and exercise, in beautiful surroundings and a sense of achievement, which are all good for mh. It will probably be hard to find something like that ATM but might be worth looking for next spring if not before. It's important he has a goal he can look towards.

I think you need to tell him that you love him too much to enable him to sit and do nothing all day anymore and that he deserves a better life. Seek some support from Young Minds and tell him no more money will be forthcoming if he doesn't get himself to the gp in X amount of days and that you are expecting him to help himself to live independently in nine months to one year's time.

Could you take him out of the house - go on a walk in calm surroundings - and ask him what he wants out of life? What are the things that interest him? What are his talents? Try to get him thinking about his future? (I am sure you will have done this before.)

Is his dad around? Could he go there? Could he help with funding work experience or funding travel, or therapy?

Do you have any family members you could reach out to for support op? This is a very hard thing to do all on your own

I really feel for you dealing with this on your own op. There isn't enough help out there. If I were PM, I would set up a top notch project to help despairing parents with their teens and young adults who have lost direction in life. There are far too many of them currently.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm having internet problems so will answer properly later.

@Howmanysleepsnow he's depressed at the moment because he doesn't like our neighbours, but if it wasn't that it would be something else.

@CherryPavlova he doesn't have any money, and he won't get a doctor.

@thatsnotgoingtowork I can't call MIND because my son is always here, but I'll see if I can e-mail them.

@granadagirl please see above 're GP, what's ESA? And I'm afraid I AM in debt, he doesn't care.

@squanderedcore I feel that I should have recognised the problem long ago when he was at school and got help for him. So I feel guilty and put up with it, but that's clearly not doing anyone any good. He's in his thirties. He does go out to the shops and stuff, but that's all. He hasn't seen his dad since lockdown, but he's no help anyway.

Could you say to him, things are going to have to change?
You are going to the jobcentre
To sign on for universal credit
If he went(well ring now) and tell the gp how he is, he could go on ESA (employment support allowance) it used to be the old sick pay

Keep saying to yourself
I’m being cruel to be kind to him in the long term

Seek an assessment under MHA. Agree talk to MIND but also to his GP practice who can sort and assessment.

Purplecupofcoffee please don't take this the wrong way; but it sounds strange that you aren't able to make a private phone call in your own home. Does your son never go out? Is he controlling you? Are you afraid of him?

look at it from the perspective of you needing help. his failure to launch and his full knowledge of all the right buttons to push are manipulative tactics which affect you.
so i say that you help him by you getting the support you need to understand his behavior (which could be classed as abusive) and deal with the fear of him harming himself.
so call your dr, and call suitable agencies for you so you can learn new skills to help him.

He doesn't have a doctor, he won't be one. And he won't sign on. And yes, I am a bit afraid of him, I spend a lot of time trying not to rock the boat.

You need professional advice.

He's actually abusing you.

He's not your little boy any more.

You cannot live like this and you aren't helping him at all by sacrificing yourself.

You should not be afraid to make phone calls in your own house. You should not be being financially controlled by your adult son. You should not be treading on eggshells.

Make phone calls at work or on the way to and from. Call MIND and you can also call women's aid www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You're being emotionally and financially abused by a man in his 30s - the fact he's your son not your partner doesn't change that.

Tolerating this isn't being a goood mother (I say that wanting to help not blame - you need to see it to take action). He's not going to get any better until you stop enabling him. His life is frozen in time and utterly unrewarding as you describe it - you need to free yourself to free him.

I can see this is very difficult situation to extract yourself from op. .

I think you are going to have to be a bit ruthless and close your mind to the mother-son relationship for a bit and treat him like you would any thirty year old man, with the understanding that, after a lot of probable upset and stress, things will ultimately be better for you both.

Something "different" needs to happen as doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result is the definition of madness (was it Freud who said that?).

If your accommodation wasn't rented, I would suggest inviting someone to live with you, such as a male relative or friend to give you support and totally change the dynamic.

Or telling him that a paying lodger is coming to take over his room in the NY or some such.

Changing it around, would it be possible for you to move out, without him? Maybe women's aid could help with this?

Your son is probably, deep down, lacking in confidence and extremely ashamed of himself and his own lack of independence, and that is why he is so defensive , angry and controlling. He is deflecting his self hatred on to you.

Was there an underlying reason behind his inability to hold down a job in the padt? Could he have had an undiagnosed MH condition (before the depression) which caused this or undiagnosed SENs? Could all this be tackled from a mh angle? His dislike of the neighbours to the extent it is causing depression sounds like paranoia? Is he smoking weed?

Could you start by going to the gp and saying you are desperate and that you are a bit afraid of him and see what they suggest?

Op I've had a look around and this article in the Guardian links to two resources that could be helpful. P!ease read it. It appears your situation is not uncommon. You are not alone!

Sorry: that link isn't working , will try it again, but try Googling "The Guardian, what happens when your child becomes violent with you" just in case the same thing happens... .

here

Your son may not be physically violent towards you op, but he is definitely guilty of coercive control, and the same principles apply.

Please reach out and get some help.

Well I'm a bit gobsmacked, tbh. I was expecting you people to tell me that it was my fault and to get on with it. I need to think a lot about this. But thank you, all of you.

Glad that consulting the old nest of vipers had proved helpful op Hopefully, more professional organisations will be able to help on a practical level. Good luck with everything.

This is a very difficult situation but it’s not too late at all. Do you think you are also a bit resigned/depressed too?
Start seeking professional help straight away. It might be a bit of a fight but there are lots of people who can help and you deserve to get a life back after all these years that you have selflessly supported your DS.

Thank you @squanderedcore.
@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb that's very astute of you, I do have mh problems of my own, but I seek and accept help.