Ashamed about who I used to be.

[Butters10]

Name changed for this one. Sorry it's a long one.

I'm nearing 40, with a 6 month old DS. Married for 8 years to a wonderful DH, with a lovely house and successful career.

Inexplicably, I've been mentally falling apart for the past few weeks, after seeing a picture of some girls I went to school with having dinner together recently.

I had a lovely childhood, nothing awful happened to me, but I behaved terribly in my teens and twenties. Nothing criminal, but I was a compulsive liar. I was desperate to be liked, desperate to be in with the "cool" gang and as such on the fringes of several groups of "friends". I suppose I never fitted in with any of them. As I got older, I was so desperate to be liked that I started sleeping around and, deservedly, got a bit of a reputation.

I went away to university and continued my self destructive theme - I had a lovely boyfriend but cheated on him constantly, told lies and was generally not a very nice person, such was my need for attention. I then moved to London where I spent a debauched few years moving around several friend groups, sleeping with lots of people etc. Until I settled down with my ex, who I was together with faithfully for 5 years. We broke up due to his drinking habits, and I reverted back to my promiscuous behaviour. I even slept with a friends ex-boyfriend, and I am crippled with shame about how I behaved. I then met my husband and have been with him for 10 years, totally faithful and thankfully out of the destructive cycle of compulsively lying about everything. He is my world and I love him dearly.

Seeing that photo of the girls from school recently has triggered something deep inside me that I can't seem to get over - remorse, regret, shame, guilt. I'm repulsed that I slept with so many people in an attempt to be liked or happy. About 5 or 6 years ago I visited my parents in the small town I grew up in and I saw the same girls from school. They looked me up and down and gave me the most horrid look, it was if they hated me. I brushed it off at the time but now for some reason, I can't stop thinking about it.

I should point out that I have lots of lovely friends now, including my wonderful best friend who I've known for almost 13 years and is more like a sister to me.

My past behaviour is consuming me from the inside at the moment, to the point where I'm unable to leave the house in case I bump into anyone from my past (with is completely irrational as I live 250 miles away from where I grew up and also no longer in London). Is this something that a counsellor could help with? Is it a form of PND? I cannot speak with anyone close to me about this as I fear then judging me.

Any advice would be very gratefully received. Thank you x

We've all got a past. I look back on some of my behaviour in my teenage years and cringe.

The important thing is that you outgrew this behaviour and have settled down. Please try not to beat yourself up about the past - it sounds as if you have a good life now, focus on your future and your family and friends.

As the PP has said, we all have a past. We've all cocked up, made mistakes, done things we regret, but we are who we are now. Count your blessings and treat your former self as a mad chapter in your life that helped shape you who you are now. Basically, in the nicest way possible, let it go. Life is too short

I agree with marvellous. You are certainly not the only person with a past they’re not proud of. You got yourself in a cycle of behaviour which you hoped would bring you what you needed but unfortunately it probably made you feel worse about yourself.
Despite the things you said and did, in the past, you have found a good man with whom you have mutual love and respect. Don’t lose sight of that and please don’t beat yourself up about things you cannot change.
Therapy might help as long as it’s not ‘picking a scab’.
It could be pnd but we are living in very strange times and you are also a new mum so there have been massive changes in your life.
I hope you find peace

We all have a past, I for one am ashamed of how I treated my friends during my teens. I made apologies but still feel bad be kind to yourself

The brain does not properly mature until 25 when people can then regulate impulsive and sometimes self destructive behaviours. It can be a rough time. You’ve come through that time and you are now settled and living a good life. Well done you. 🌷

Stop torturing yourself! (It's an awful feeling, isn't it?) Having a baby turns your world upside down and makes you examine everything, so that might have something to do with it.

Monica Lewinsky really went through the mill with being shamed. She speaks eloquently on the subject in her Ted talk here:

www.ted.com/talks/monica_lewinsky_the_price_of_shame

I also recommend Brené Browns deeply moving comments about the power of vulnerability.

There's a playlist here of talks that you might be interested in. Above all, be kind to yourself.

www.ted.com/playlists/276/ted_talks_to_watch_when_you_wa

I can empathise with you. I too went off the rails for a few years,but I do actually believe we all have skeletons and you'd probably be surprised how little ppl know about what u got up to in those days. I was a 'jack the lass' when I was young and wish now I had focused on making good friends and not drinking pints and generally being totally obnoxious. However can't do anything about it now. I was a product of the 90s and a different era altogether. I only stopped being a tit when I had kids, but I least I did it eventually. You have now too.

I've been married for seven years to a great man that i share everhthing with. I am also crippled by my past,totally ashamed that i cannot behave normally. I avoid meeting new peoole and peoole from my past. Im 32 atm but when i was 19 i had sex in public with then boyfriend. He was a bad influence and i hate myself for allowing those actions. To make matters worse we are in a small town where evrryone knows everyone. I fesr someone knows or has seen something. I have kept it to myself for years because my friends would judge me,they think im a perfect person they have so much respect for me. I felt like living a lie and think the worst of my self. My husband has distanced himself with his parents and i also blame myself i assume that they heard something about me.... im having a really hard time.... i dont know how to behave anymore,im exhausted. If anyone has any advice pleaee share....

Have you ever thought of BPD? Though you aren't like that now..only because impulsive behaviour can be that...