Eating disorders - please give me hope!

[Sadinside]

DD19 is at uni and disclosed purging since late last year - not every meal, just dinner. She’s damaged her tooth enamel slightly. We are heading into a dark time ahead - I’d really value any words from parents & friends of recovered or recovering ED people - what brought about the desire for change? Any tips on supporting someone with this scary illness?

I'm glad that your daughter felt able to disclose her purging to you. My experience comes from the daughter perspective.
I developed an eating disorder in my teens too. Of all the habits I had purging was the hardest to tackle as I found it easier to hide and it was harder to talk about because for me there was more shame associated with purging than restricting or over exercising.

One thing I wish people would have understood when I was first receiving treatment was that the behaviours weren't the problem, they were the symptoms. People around me focused on my weight and not engaging in behaviours and ignored the why.

I have been in recovery for 14 years now, and I definitely would still use the term in recovery rather than recovered. I don't engage in behaviours anymore but when life gets tough it is there at the back of my mind and at these times staying in recovery requires effort. The majority of the time it barely crosses my mind.

Not a parent but I suffered with bullmia from the age of 15 till 30. I am now 40 no one talks about it in my family now its like a dark secret! If you could talk and listen to your daughter without judging I bet that would help. I was only made to feel disgusted when my parents mentioned it to me. What made me stop was when I got pregnant. It was a long hard road bad I still think about it now! Much love!

I'm recovering from purging myself.
One night when drunk I confessed to my friend out of no where. Presumably my subconscious wanted help. She told me I had to tell DH and helped me find the courage. Once I told him, he was amazing and helped me speak to the Dr. I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication and CBT. I do still occasionally purge if I feel like I'm spiralling out of control but I'm definitely getting better.
It's not easy, and telling someone is definitely hard. I tried to tell someone years ago but she brushed it off and I felt like i just needed to keep it to myself.

The thing to remember, even once you are on the mend, it's too easy to slip back into it. It's definitely a long term commitment to get better.

Gosh thanks all for the amazing insight and for sharing where you are all at. I can see it’s probably really hard even to commit words to a screen on this issue. She’s moving forward with getting psychological support for a whole host of esteem related issues and anxiety; so that’s brilliant. @Superscientist - I do take your point about symptoms v behaviours and hard as it is am trying v v hard not to focus on fixing behaviours, because if anything that will only raise anxiety levels and worsen this. We are leaving tempting snacks in tiny amounts lying around casually and trying to make mealtimes a relaxing and happy time for everyone without scrutiny. I am not reducing her portions despite pressure to do so. But we are keeping the meals as healthy and uncreamy as possible. She necks a lot of water with meals presumably to make bringing it back up easier. DD is an obsessive cook herself - is this normal with an eating disorder? Do we allow it? Any views appreciated. Thanks so much!

Yes it is tricky the "cure" seems so simple eat and not do it but it very much is a mental illness. It is really good that she is getting psychological support too.

Talk to her about her safe foods and try to have those around, think about the textures of food as well as health content. I find crunchy harder foods much easier than mushy foods, others will be different. Re. Portions it can be tricky as after a while the body gets used to expelling foods so if i ate too much sometimes I would be sick anyway as that is what I had conditioned my body to do in response to food. If there is trust eat the same portion of food but spread over a longer time period can be an option so not to get to that too full stage. Fluids do a similar thing, it also makes you feel full quicker. Maybe offer a glass of water and limit top ups?

You mentioned her teeth in the first post, it might be worth looking up good oral hygiene tips with purging. If you brush your teeth after purging you are more likely to damage your teeth as the contents of your stomach are acidic and brushing your teeth straight afterwards rubs it into your teeth damaging your enamel.

I love food and cooking too and it has helped with my recovery further down the line. It helps me feel more in control about what I'm consuming especially as I have since developed a strange food intolerance which means I cant eat processed foods. Like with everything ED related it is a balancing act as it can become obsessive and encourage restrictions.

Its a learning curve too. You will do things that won't help or make things worse. You will do things that help tremendously and everything in between. It's no reflection on you or your parenting it is just the nature of the illness.

They are very personal illnesses and what helps one doesn't help another. Getting lots of ideas is good try out all of them as see what works for your daughter.

Get support for yourself too, a friend or professional to talk it through with.

@sadinside you need to read the website of BEAT a charity for EDs and talk to them. And why is daughter at uni now? she must be at home at the moment.

@JinglingHellsBells - sorry, meant she’s a student obviously at home right now til end Sept. yes I’ve looked up Beats - their work looks v good. Their latest campaign on the BBC really struck a chord with DH and I. @Superscientist - thank you for tips, I know none of these minor things are going to fix this disorder but maybe help a tiny bit or at least not make worse. I just don’t want us all becoming a slave to the disorder itself.

Feel free to drop me a dm and I'll signpost you to some up to date help and information

Reading is your friend. I think the best thing to do is not to appoint yourself any kind of guardian of what she chooses to do, healthy or not - and most of all, totally ban any commentary on what anyone in the family eats (how much, how little, fussiness etc), looks like or when people visit the loo. You may find it's harder than you think.

Some good books aimed at sufferers but helpful for understanding the mentality are The Good Girls' Drug and www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004GB1IEG/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21 and I personally found Brain Over Binge incredibly helpful - but don't push these or anything else at her, she has to make her own path www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005F9UZ1U/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

She can come through this and so can you all. Family therapy can be really helpful too, even just a few sessions, to ensure that there aren't so many things unsaid.

@JinglingHellsBells.....I have just read your v unkind comments on another thread. Please go away, I really don’t need people like you about!

I’m going to disagree and say you have to become her guardian in this because it’s extremely dangerous and can spiral.
Good article here: www.verywellmind.com/symptoms-and-warning-signs-of-bulimia-nervosa-1138240

This book is the bible in ED’s www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Teen-Eating-Disorder/dp/1684030439?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Hi @Goawayquickly - thank you link gave general info, but what is a guardian and what are the risks or dangers of this? Sorry I realise that I’m hoping for expansion of a mega topic in an nutshell but anything valued. Thanks

I mean this isn't a 'sit back and see' situation. Although shes 19 you need to be very involved. I'm going back to work but feel free to message me.

@goawayquickly sure, a guardian in the sense of seeking help for her but absolutely not in policing her at home - it will fix nothing, damage their relationship and just lead to more secrecy, lies and shame.

This book may be helpful
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=<a class="break-all" href="https://www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Christopher-Fairburn/dp/0898621798&ved=2ahUKEwj_zPijiqrqAhUUhlwKHcucBl8QFjARegQIAhAB&usg=AOvVaw0sgtFQ6KjIR1v6yXqusThv?tag=mumsnetforu03-21"" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.[[//amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Christopher-Fairburn/dp/0898621798&ved=2ahUKEwj_zPijiqrqAhUUhlwKHcucBl8QFjARegQIAhAB&usg=AOvVaw0sgtFQ6KjIR1v6yXqusThv?tag=mumsnetforu03-21" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Christopher-Fairburn/dp/0898621798&ved=2ahUKEwj_zPijiqrqAhUUhlwKHcucBl8QFjARegQIAhAB&usg=AOvVaw0sgtFQ6KjIR1v6yXqusThv]]

The authors ideas form the basis of the therapeutic treatment for BED and bulimia - although if your daughter is only purging after her evening meal rather than binging and purging, it might not be bulimia that she has.

I agree with the comments about it not being just a physical illness but a mental one and sometimes the focus can be too much on the physical symptoms.

If your daughter is willing to engage, you could help her 'surf the urge' after the evening meal - just keeping her distracted and out of the bathroom for a couple of hours after eating will help.

What Mia Did Next is a helpful (I think) YouTube channel which talks about EDs and recovery.

@Sadinside 'People like me' came here to offer you help. I didn't need to.
Just because I asked 'difficult questions' on another thread doesn't mean I am a nasty person. I was trying to help you there, having had both a recent bereavement and done probate for MIL.

Good luck with your DDs issues. I agree with the others that, as an adult, she needs to find ways through this on her own if she can, as ED can sometimes be all caught up with parenting/ family/ (not always, it's not about blame) but you are too close to it to really help.

@JinglingHellsBells - you are a proverbial bull in a china shop!