How to come to terms with needing to stay on ADs long-term?

[BillysMyBunny]

I was first prescribed sertraline about 2 years ago and I took it for 8 months before I felt better and decided to wean myself off them. Things were okay for a while but slowly began to get bad again and I was struggling with anxiety and low mood and was self-harming a lot. I was prescribed sertraline again in around Feb and I took them for 2 months and started to feel better but then work got hectic and I forgot to take them a few times and then struggled to get to a pharmacy when I needed to pick up my prescription and I guess I was happy of the excuse to stop taking them. That was about 3 weeks ago and things have crashed and the last 2 nights I’ve ended up in A&E needing to get stitches for my self-injury.

My logical brain knows I need to take the antidepressants but there is a part of me that just cannot come to terms with needing them. I don’t know why exactly, anxiety of being in them includes worries around weight-gain and worries about not being able to safely drink alcohol when socialising as well as a more general feeling of not wanting to need medication to alter my mood/ personality. I just feel like a failure when I’m needing to take them and I want to be okay without them.

Has anyone else felt this way about needing to take anti-depressants but eventually come to terms with taking them and managed to actually stay on them? I feel like I am constantly looking for an excuse not to.

I could have written this post. Currently back on 100mg for the last week after 3 hellish weeks when I tried to reduce my dose.
I am so scared that I'll need them for the rest of my life.

Totally. I've been on sertraline off and on for a few years, recently switched to duloxetine. I definitely go through phases where I don't want to be on them either because I think I'm fine (I'm not) or as a random form of self harm (ie I know if I stop taking them that I'll feel crap so I do it deliberately). FWIW though, I drink alcohol as normal on them.

Not that that helps with your question!

Sorry I was responding to my own post there not mynameiscalypsos

I did fel like that initially but fir no rational reason. I think to an extend I'd been socialized by seeing it as taboo. I've been on them 20 years now.
No weight gain.
No nit drinking, I ignore that.
No side effects.
No crippling clinical depression.

Remember why you are on them.
Unpack any subconscious buds or messages we absurd around medication for mental health.

It's no big deal to me anymore, it's my normal

Why afraid of being on them for life?

Really look at this question and break it down.
What is the fear of exactly?
Would you feel the same about any other medication?

I have been on AD and these since I was 22 and now 52 I see them as supplements I need to function on a level which is other lucky peoples normal . See them as vitamins you need to help your mind and body work as it should weaning should be done with dr advice and there is a danger you feel better and then think they are no longer needed be kind to yourself

Having mental health issues and being on meds is smiler to diabetes a life long condition however society labels this differently which is unfair and might be why you struggle as there is still shame about living with any mh condition

I really do think that accepting you have this illness is part of it. Nobody wants a mental health diagnoses but yes I agree it's like taking a vitamin for me now.

@ReiltinDubh Ha, as I wrote my own post I thought 'that doesn't really answer the question at all'

Thank you for the replies, it’s helpful to know I’m not the only one to feel like this.

Thinking of it as a vitamin or akin to taking medication for a physical problem is logical, although if I’m honest I was prescribed iron tablets for anaemia and I haven’t been taking them either. Maybe it is a form of self harm or a that part of me is not wanting to be well - I think there is anxiety behind it as well. With the iron tablets I overthink the fact you shouldn’t take them on an empty stomach or for 2 hours before/ after drinking milk or caffeine and so end up not taking them at all. Similar with the anti-depressants where you’re meant to take them at the same time every day so if I forget I feel I have to wait until the next day to take them so I can try to stick to the routine. But I think maybe these are excuses I use to justify not taking them because part of me doesn’t want to take the medication?

The part about accepting the illness is interesting because I don’t really think I have depression or anxiety or BPD or OCD or c-PTSD or an eating disorder or any of the other diagnoses that have been suggested to me, I think I just have a defective personality and a rubbish life/ personal circumstances and so of course I feel low and anxious, because there isn’t really anything secure and good to my life and I feel like pills won’t make a difference because the problem isn’t chemical.

And some of me knows that might be the ‘depression’ talking, but I also know even when I took my medication none of the things I hate about myself or my personal life and living situation etc changed and I don’t see how they ever will so it sort of seems pointless to try and mask those things with pills.

Sorry, that was a bit of a thought dump but I hadn’t really unpicked those thoughts before but it makes a bit more sense writing it here.

Surely if you take them and you feel better then your question about having an illness is answered. I mean what's the point if they dont help.

I really dont think it matters if its circumstantial or genetic based . The chemicals produced are the same. I was fine until a double bereavement then fell apart. It's like a heart attack, it diesnt matter what causes it, a genetic predisposition or lifestyle. To the body it's still a heart attack and having it had it the heart is more susceptible to another.
I found ADs took away the daily horror enough for him to engage with additional therapies such as CBT. It's not a sp yhats it solution, its part of the overall, long term treatment and one I embrace.
What is the difference for you being on them?

I’ve been on 40mg of citalopram for a few years now. Tried to reduce to 20mg but had a few dips and wasn’t any good!
I see as treating a chronic condition. It only effects me in a positive way and I’m finally feeling normal and happy. Once you start to see your mental illness as the same as a physical illness it changes your mindset about medications, etc.

Also you have to make changes to your lifestyle. I found the ADs helped me to face these changes. Eg. I started going to the gym twice a week and have stuck to it.

Yes, I think you are right about changing lifestyle. I feel like when I am struggling I feel in a hole, I hate how I look and where I live and my lack of meaningful relationships and just feel powerless to change anything. Then when I’m on the ADs I guess I just sort of feel apathetic with how everything is and accept my life the way it is and don’t feel motivated to change anything and I think I still get the anxiety so I just endlessly procrastinate and put things off because they feel scary. Then I think I start to feel bothered by things and overwhelmed and I stop the pills and get into the hole again. I don’t know how to get to a place where I’m well enough to be able to make changes but also unhappy enough to want to change if that makes sense?

I feel very alone and I think that makes it harder for me to make changes because I don’t have anyone to hold my hand or to do things with so I think about doing things like joining a yoga class or doing couch to 5k or trying to move to a better area but I have social anxiety and the thought of doing those things on my own just feels completely overwhelming so I just cocoon myself in my flat and put the TV on and don’t make any changes. All the ADs really change is whether I’m feeling depressed and suicidal in my meaningless life or sort of bored but accepting of it I guess.

OP the think that was a game changer for me was a 6 month weekly session of CBT. I also have to walk regularly, monitor tiredness and eat well. It's a life long project and can feel overwhelming. Continuously coming off ADs can perpetuate the cycle you describe.
You fully recognise this cycle so maybe trying something to break it is pertinent.

Hi Billy😊
It is tough doing things on your own😕
regular exercise can be surprisingly helpful maybe start with a regular walk you could listen to some music or the radio on your phone at the same time maybe?
Could you do some online yoga videos maybe that will get your confidence up a bit and you could time a group class of some sort?
If you can just make a little start then you have something to build on

Yes, I think exercise would be a good place to start. I used to cycle a lot but in the winter my bike got stolen, it was the same week that I passed my driving test so I didn’t replace it. I intended to replace it this summer but they’ve sold out everywhere as so many people have taken up cycling during lockdown. Walking is a good idea though, I have some podcasts downloaded I keep meaning to listen to so maybe I will try and get into a habit of listening whilst walking. I admit I have been quite sedentary on days I’m not working throughout lockdown and I’ve put on weight which doesn’t help with my mood or confidence either.