Insecurity is ruining my life

[Constantlyinsecure]

How do I change it?
I am constantly doubting myself, constantly overthinking, constantly pulling apart everything I’ve done in work and asking myself if I’ve done something right or have I messed up. I go over every conversation I’ve had -either in work or just an interaction with a shop assistant- and asking myself did I say that right? Was I snappy? Did it come out right? Did they think I meant this or that? When they replied did they really mean this?

It’s exhausting. This morning as I was going over and over a conversation at work yesterday asking DH was this ok? Will they think this of me? On and on and on he finally asked “why are you so insecure?”.
I have no clue, I never used to be like this but, thinking back, I was bullied by a manager at work. It pretty much destroyed me and I ended up on tranquillisers under the MHT. I left and actually got a job I’m a lot happier in but, in my first week, I overheard a couple of the staff talking about me. It wasn’t even that awful tbh but it made me aware that they didn’t think very highly of me.
I’ve been on antidepressants for years, I’ve had CBT for anxiety, I take propranolol- how do I change the way I think?

Do you know what it is you fear? It sounds to me like the bullying destroyed your confidence and faith in yourself, which means you no longer trust in your abilities. Or perhaps you feel like everyone you interact with is somehow looking for a reason to be negative towards you? Hence the second guessing? How did you get on with CBT? Did you do it under the guidance of someone? You’re right in saying you need to change how you think and CBT is a really good way of challenging your thoughts. Particularly if you can work with someone to guide you and target the things that bother you the most.
You need to believe that your life is worth more than living in fear of what everyone else thinks of you. When I’m not feeling great like this, I always ask myself truly what is the worst that can happen.

I feel for you OP, I am similar and it's exhausting. I've been on meds in the past, I find CBT/and therapy helped too. Also something like jogging, reading, sketching, music - takes my mind of overthinking. I'm not great at any of those hobbies, but I see them as a form of meditation. I have a lot of uplifting, inspiring quotes around the house and often listen to meditation videos on YouTube. Speak to your GP when you can

Thank you both for replying.

I waited 9 months for the CBT and was given 12 sessions, that was it. It did help somewhat at the time but was a couple of years ago so I’ve forotten to remind myself ‘what’s the worse that can happen?’. I will make sure I keep reminding myself now.
I do a guided meditation session every day and again whenever I’m having a panic. maybe Covid has made it all worse as I’ve lost the motivation to do anything so will make more of an effort to occupy myself and stop overthinking, another chat to the dr would also probably help.

I feel better knowing other people understand and I’m not the only one so thank you both for taking the time to reply, although I’m sorry you sometimes suffer too.

Thank you.

It’s a hard time for even the most robust people at the moment. Don’t be too hard on yourself and just keep forging ahead. Maybe try some small challenges? Not allowing yourself to ask for reassurance about an email wording to start with maybe? Once you start to trust your judgement, hopefully it will increase your confidence.
It wasn’t your fault you encountered a bully and you deserve to be happy. Lots of luck to you x

Gosh. I could have written this myself. It's completely exhausting, and it pisses everyone off, which makes me even worse. I don't know what the answer is, but I totally get you OP

I had to read twice as this is me !!! I have no confidence ... paranoia it is so tiring