Can I die?

[sorrow4ever]

Hi,
Sorry but I need to vent off!
At the moment I feel like I'm just a burden, pile of rubbish that it's stopping the family from moving on and pulling them into the deep well that I'm in. Errr I'm so useless 😭
I truly believe they would be better off without me, without the weight that I'm on their lives.
I'm feeling sorry for myself... I'm so selfish... sooo weak... so nothing. Some people can see that I'm suffering and trying (or pretending) to help and inside I'm already dead. No will to move, no will to do things I used too. Only have will to smoke... and cry!
Don't believe in happiness or love. These seems to be so so fake feelings, child's play... to feel something that it's impossible to exist.
Sorrow I believe, it has been my 30 years companion, my loyal friend. And as anyone that I had in my live saying it was my friend or that loved me only brings me pain.
I want to go...

I'm so sorry. Please believe me when I say the world will not be better off without you, your family won't be better off without you, and neither will your friends. Please phone your GP, OP, they will be able to help you. You could also look into counselling options, the one below is done via video chat and is around £45 for a 50 min session (the website is irish so prices are in euros but they will help anyone, anywhere in the world). All the best

www.myclinic.ie/counselling

Thank you. I'm already in counselling for months. It's been really hard in the past few weeks. Specially today... my DH shouted and called me names. I believe in what he says... he has been saying this so many times for so many years. I don't have strength to hurt myself, still got the scars on my arms from what I did a few months ago.
I realised it's not worth it. But I can't stop feeling like this. Since I started the antidepressants part of me feels like a third person. Am I going crazy?

You aren't going crazy. Does your dh regularly call you names? That wouldn't be nice or helpful regardless of if you were depressed or not. do you recognize any signs of emotional abuse from your dh from the link below?

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkNyOjaCO6gIVQuDtCh2uogePEAAYAiAAEgK72fD_BwE

Hello OP - we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Yes I do. My counsellor already point it out to me as well. This is common since I was a child. My DF and DM would say nasty things to me all the time, and even physically hurt me. Long long story.

With respect you sound like you are being abused.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Could you have a read of this article, it has a lot of tips of how to deal with an emotionally abusive person:
www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673
Would you consider separating from your dh? There are lots of helplines you can call to talk things through and help you make a plan, link to helplines here
www.lwa.org.uk/get-help-now/national-helplines.htm
Do you have dc?

Thank you @sleepismysuperpower1 . I will read it. I have a teenager boy who is in the autism spectrum. He is having a really hard time and I'm trying to be here for him but I'm also a mess. My DH has no patience with anyone and even my cats are misbehaving. My boss is a twat and an entitled bastard that belittles me and makes me feel a job worth bitch.
Everything is dark around me. No light, no hope.

Bless him, keep soldiering on OP, it will get better. Would you consider leaving your dh?

I'm financially dependent of his income. Thought about it many times, and I feel weak for not being able to go through with it. Just keep thinking how much DS would suffer... where would I live with my cats and kid... how could I afford everything.

are you eligible for any benefits? You can use the calculator below to check
www.turn2us.org.uk/get-support/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqNvejaqO6gIVVOvtCh3HdQG-EAAYASAAEgLrg_D_BwE
and you could open a separate bank account if you have a shared one (the coop bank let you do it online). That would at least give you a little extra money if you can claim anything.
Please don't feel weak, it is a big step. Could you try contacting womens aid tomorrow, through their live chat feature or through the helpline if your dh isn't home?
chat.womensaid.org.uk/
They can give you contacts to refuges if you ask for it, and help you make a plan to get out. They can also advise about your pets and son, and give you financial advice also.

sorrow stay with us. Stay for your son. I know the effects of suicide on the rest if the family and it is absolute torture.

can you speak to your gp or contact women's aid or refuge? take care

thinking of you sorrow