Is anyone else feeling like this about coronavirus?

[Proseccoagain]

I just have this terrible fear of the virus all the time and live in dread of catching it. I live alone (my DH died two years ago) and have been in lockdown since before the official start.

I have hardly been further than the end of my road, and the nearest I have been to anyone is at least 3/4 metres. I have had no-one in the house since lockdown, my food deliveries are handled with rubber gloves and sanitised with very hot soapy water. I am also very careful with the post and my daily newspaper.

I have become obsessive with washing my hands and cleaning everything to within an inch of its life, as I am terrified that the virus is on it. I am just so scared that the virus can get into the house and get me. For instance this morning I washed my hands thoroughly and then immediately put a finger in my mouth to remove food stuck to my teeth - I am now panicking that despite washing my hands that somehow the virus was still on my finger.

This frequently prompts a panic phone call to my DD for reassurance. She will tell me that the virus is not in the house, that I do not have it and there is no way I can get it like that. I keep telling myself that but somehow my brain can't deal with it.

Rang my GP a few weeks back about this and was given tablets for anxiety which didn't work, then prescribed stronger ones which still didn't do anything for me. Was also referred to mental health services and am under going a CBT programme by phone, which I am trying very hard with.

Was also put on anti-depressants, but the side effects were awful and couldn't cope with them, so the doctor said to stop them, and the anxiety meds as well. Then had terrible withdrawal effects from those, so had to go back on them and be weaned off properly, which is going really well.

I never used to be like this, had never had any mental health problems, was very positive about things after DH died and tried to make a new life for myself. Joined a yoga group, ballet class, did two health walks a week, . and also joined a book club, and continued with a wine club I have belonged to for years. Made many new friends through these activities. Went to the cinema on my own nearly every week, and loved shopping days out (with lunch and wine included!). Now this has all been snatched away, and I am so miserable and fed up.

I just want this virus to go away and I can lead a life of normality again.

Sorry for such a long post full of gloom and doom.

Anyone?

You need to keep working with your CBT treatment.

This is not a healthy mindset, it's an obsession.

If I had to guess, I'd say it isn't even the virus you're afraid of, it's the collapse of the support system you built after your husband died and you don't know how to deal with things without it.

This is temporary, please keep to your CBT, research techniques online. Look at mindfulness meditation on YouTube and try and get out of your head.

X

OP, I don't feel as anxious as you do about the virus, but I understand why you'd be more anxious than most. You only lost your husband 2 years ago so you're bound to be more vulnerable than most, as your bereavement is fairly recent, when you think about how many years you were together. I lost both my parents 4 years ago, and know that the first year was very difficult, and the second year was also hard. I expect you were around the 18 month stage when the virus crisis began to ramp up, so you were just beginning to have some better days when the Covid threat arrived. It's understandable that you've had enough grief and you're probably anxious for your daughter, as well as your own health, and from what you say you've been isolating more than most, as your fear has made you take things to extremes.

The only advice I can offer is try to get out for a long walk every day, as I find this really helps get the endorphins flowing, so I always feel better after my daily walk. Also the sunlight (even when cloudy) is beneficial to help make Vit D, which apparently can help lungs fight off infections. Wear a mask if it helps - it won't offer 100% protection for you, but will reduce the risk somewhat.

I try to make eye contact with people and smile as we pass by at a distance. If I've moved out if their way they'll often smile and thank me, and a quick "You're welcome" or smile back is often well received. Or if they've moved aside for me I make a point of thanking them, as people appreciate these gestures and it creates that feeling that we're all in the same boat. Sorry if that sounds like a lecture in good manners, but I'm trying to explain that those small niceties create a bit of human contact along the way as I walk, and this is a good thing when you have such little social contact.

Things are starting to relax a bit now, so maybe you could meet up with a friend, or your daughter, on your walk. The longer you are isolated, the more time you will spend dwelling on the virus, and being controlled by your fear. Nobody can force you outside, but I think you need to break the cycle of endless obsessing on the virus, and take steps (literally) back out into the world. Good luck OP.

Many thanks for that good advice. You are both quite right. I know I have taken things to extremes, as my DD and DS keep telling me, and I know that this is not normal, and I cannot go on like this. I have done 2 or 3 longer walks this week, and am really trying to be brave. I hate walking alone, especially as all my neighbours of a similar age go out every day, but have their partners to go with. Coping with this alone is difficult. Some sense of normality though tomorrow; all through lockdown we neighbours in our close have taken our chairs and drinks out into our drives Sunday lunchtimes and had a good chat (shout!) at each other, socially distanced of course.I will definitely try another walk tomorrow as well. I am working through the CBT programme and exercises as well.

Thank you again.

Hi there I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so worried. I just wanted to mention I too have had side effects from those meds and I am trying St Johns wort which can help a bit too. You have to take care with any other meds though so best check first but you can get it from places like Amazon in case that helps. Getting exercise can help too.

You're statistically probably more likely to be injured from an accident at home than from CV at this point.