Am I a narcissist? What is wrong with me?

[blueglassandfreesias]

I've been reflecting a lot lately on different stages of my life and I am going to therapy in July so I hope i can get to the bottom of it.

I have low mood but see myself as cheerful, I see myself as chilled out but am paranoid that I'm not good enough at work and that my boss is on the brink of firing me every month at least once, that people at work don't like me/ respect me or think I am good at my job, they think I'm lazy. Sometimes Im treated warmly by people there and others I feel people are being cold towards me.

I can't handle it if I have had to tell a child off (I'm a teacher) for hitting/ pushing whatever bad behaviour they are engaged in and they cry, it really upsets me and I lay awake at night worrying that I have affected their self esteem etc and really spiralling about it.

I get anxious about my friendships and worry excessively that people don't like me and feel like I can't be myself because no one will accept me, this then leads to my friendships feeling quite superficial.

I'm overwhelmed by life as a working mother and step parent to an autistic teen who I don't have a great rapport with. The housework, the money worries, the endless cooking, entertaining, working. It all just feels endless and exhausting.

My mum died of cancer a few years ago while I was pregnant with my first child and I just want to tell my story of that time and have someone hear it. It feels all bottled up.

I haven't cried in an extremely long time, I feel like i need someone to empathise and genuinely listen to me and care for me in order to really let go.

I feel like I'm an oddity.

I have had disordered eating for as long as I can remember from binge eating, over exersizing (an hour bike ride after every meal) to starving myself to being super controlling about what I eat, to not being able to accept my body when it's bigger.

I lack big parts of my education due to childhood difficulties (my mum left when I was 2 and had bi-polar) my dad was wonderful but did end up putting me in the line of many dangerous people and situations.

I tried to go on anti-depressants/ anxiety meds but they made me feel flat and unable to cry/ orgasm and I just felt I was doing it to make everyone around me happy rather than have a look at the root cause of all my pain.

I used to feel really proud of the fact that I had managed to get a teaching degree later in life and become a teacher but now I just feel like I have imposter syndrome and one day I'll be fired for being crap.

I have appalling PMT and get really angry during this time, shouting and causing bad vibes in my home.

Thanks for reading.

One thing is clear from your post, OP, you're not a narcissist - you wouldn't care a bit about hurting children's feelings or what your colleagues thought of you if you were. You sound like you are very hard on yourself and juggling a lot, both at present and from your past. Therapy could be very good for you, I'm glad you are organising it. Could be worth checking out something to help with the PMT also.

Thank you. I just feel super sensitive at the moment and its boxing me in to a very small space.
I already feel sorry for my therapist and I haven't even started yet! Thanks for reading, I know it was long.

Definitely not a narcissist! You sound like you are burnt out and have a lot of anxiety. The feeling of being an 'oddity' is very familiar to me. I was diagnosed with autism age 34, and the fact you have an autistic child, have disordered eating and difficulties with social relationships makes me think you could possibly also be on the spectrum. Have you ever considered this?

You have a lot of anxiety from the sounds of it. Great that you are going for counselling. I'd see if there's any option of doing a session before your initial session by phone or zoom so you have something to focus your energies on.

It sounds like you need to start caring for yourself more & increase your confidence. You sound very far away from a narcissist l. Please go easy on yourself

Thank you! My step daughter is on the spectrum. I don’t think I’m on the spectrum no, but I do think I find life harder and harder.
I had an initial zoom with my July therapist but it was very stressful because the internet kept making it cut out and freeze and crucial points so I’m looking forward to have face to face.
Thanks so much for your kindness.

You're not a narcissist, you sound a lovely, considerate person who needs to talk and sound off all of these emotions. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you wouldn't ask if you didn't care about your influence on others

My probably ASD dd is very sensitive and vulnerable to others being upset. I recognise a few ASD traits in myself too.

A Significant proportion of women with disordered eating are now thought to have ASD

I think you should push for assessment if you feel it would help

You are not a narc. Your core values have been informed by negative input, probably as a child. You do not feel validated in your existance and you have to constantly worry about how others perceive you in order to hide how negative your core beliefs about yourself are, so you engage in unhelpful behaviour like: not being true to your boundaries in order to keep people liking you. You see yourself as bad and feel that your actions (even when right) will contaminate others, and make them blame you. You need CBT to re set your core beliefs and build helpful behaviour and perspectives.

Thank you all for your educated and empathetic analysis. I will look into CBT as it all really resonates what you’re saying.
I told my boss this morning that I’m feeling worried about CV and my small family, most of whom are vulnerable and she was very understanding and supportive.
I feel better for putting her in the loop about how I’m really doing.

You are most definitely not a narcissist! I live with one and you are almost the complete opposite. You do sound very anxious though, have you thought about seeing a psychologist (I'm not sure if your counsellor is a psychologist or something else).

That's great news, well done you!

I feel exactly the same as you right now. I could have written your post. You definitely aren't a narcissist in fact you're the complete opposite.

I've struggled worth anxiety all my life and right now I'm done with everything and everyone.

You’re in no way a narcissist. Just sensitive and anxious. I also thought ASD because of your daughter having it and you feeling like an oddity.

Ahhhh well done op I’m also very sensitive and anxious so get how you feel completely

@blueglassandfreesias

Thank you all for your educated and empathetic analysis. I will look into CBT as it all really resonates what you’re saying. I told my boss this morning that I’m feeling worried about CV and my small family, most of whom are vulnerable and she was very understanding and supportive. I feel better for putting her in the loop about how I’m really doing.

That is fantastic news, and it's the biggest step to personal healing and having good self esteem. Ask for specific self esteem CBT; it works.