A *ing waste of a life - got to sort this out - any suggestions?

[kizzie]

Hi everyone-
Ive really got to tackle this once and for all. Im sorry this note is going to be so long but I just need to write it all down. My life is just passing by in a struggle just to get through each day. I have everything I ever wanted and this is such a waste.

Just a quick recap. Had anxiety based PND after IVF and twin boys. Took prozac then seroxat and eventually got better and returned to work.

After 18months - 2 years tried to come off seroxat. For 2 years went through severe withdrawal. Finally got off earlier this year but after few weeks went rapidly down hill.

Have now been on 75mg of clomipramine (tricyclic) for 3 1/2 months but feel very detached/numb and very low with horrible frightening negative thoughts. The worst of the panic attacks seem to have settled but am still very anxious.

The worst thing is the total lack of interest/enthusiasm in anything. Just so unlike my 'normal' personality.

This is even unlike my 'normal depressed' personality because most of my original symptoms were anxiety based - rather than 'low'.

I always told myself that because I had never had any problems before childbirth that I had 'straightforward' (if there is such a thing!) PND but I think that after 5 years Ive got to accept that my mental illness problems are much more long term.

I just dont know what to do about it. My dr and psychiatrist both basically say that the choice is mine (if I want to change medication or stay on what Im on.) Im trying to do CBT exercises, eat well, take supplements etc. I also see a counsellor who has been a superb support to me but she agrees that there doesnt appear to be anything in my life/past 'causing' this problem.

Sorry i know this doesnt give anyone much to go on but just wondered if anyone has found something that has really helped.

Sorry to have gone on so long.

I cant log on very much because my computer at home doesnt work so if I dont reply straight away im not ignoring you - ill definately read all messages.
Thanks everyone
Kizziex

Kizzie, wish I had some constructive advice but I don't. I have been wondering how you are and sorry to read how much you are struggling.

Puff

(formerly twogorgeousboys)

Kizzie - wish I had something really fabulous to say - but just lots of hugs instead.

Is it worth considering changing your medication? It sounds like you are having really adverse affects to it. I would have thought that the initial side effects would have stopped long before now. I know it's a thought having to go through all the rigmarole of starting again, but perhaps you just need to find the AD that will suit you. You got better the first time, and you can again. You are obviously doing everything else you can, so I honestly think you need to rethink the meds. Also, I was wondering about the CBT and counselling you were using. Was it centred around your previous experiences because as you know we don't need to have had anything major happen to 'cause' depression. Have you tried the 'negative thinking' behaviour therapy? It doesnt depend on what happened before, just how you deal with your reactions to things right now. Sorry if this is all rubbish and rambly, but I didnt want you to think I was not thinking about you. I have finally come to the conclusion that I may be off and on AD's for the rest of my life, hopefully more off than on thanks to CBT, but when I am on them and they are working, I am delighted that they are available to me.

Do you have much time to do things that you really enjoy? That has helped me, also I've found it incredibly helpful to try and support others on here. I know I have read about that being some kind of therapy, and it does seem to work. You can be a great help to others here kizzie, simply because you understand and can empathise. And I hope we can do the same for you.

Hi - thanks for replying.
Ive been doing some CBT MIM which is the therapy aimed at changing negative thoughts. Ive been trying to do more of the things I normally enjoy but unfortunately part of the problem is that i dont seem to get any enjoyment out of these things anymore.
I am wondering if the AD's im on are causing more negatives than help...
I think I probably do just need to do more of the CBT.
Anyway thanks again for replying.
Kizziex

Bump

kizzie - too late at night for me to post coherently but here's my jumble of thoughts.

no miracle ideas to suggest I am afraid. you are going down the route of meds and CBT/counselling - which is really the main line of attack

re:medication. the clomipramine doesn't seem to be helping you enough, so I think it would be a good idea for you to swop meds again - i have never taken tricyclics so don't know how careful you have to be with withdrawing. other piece of advice - Venlafaxine (Effexor) is meant to pretty awful to withdraw from as well, so you may want to avoid that as well. From what people on here have said, Cipramil is fast acting but has quite nasty side effects the first week - I don't remember if you have ever taken that.I do remember you saying that you have taken Prozac tho.

Re:therapy. Could there possibly be some underlying anxiety order such as OCD/Agoraphobia/Social Anxiety Disorder that hasn't been diagnosed. Just throwing ideas around really on that one - not necessary saying whether that may be the case IYSWIM. I only say that because my main problem is OCD so I can identify with your comment of the main problem being anxiety so feeling depressed/numb feels unusual/odd.

Only other thought; re;hormones. Do you have problems with PMT? Are you using any hormonal contraception - as that can affect your moods/make you slightly depressed as well.

Sorry this is all so incoherent.

take care
x

Kizzie, logging off in a moment - only just saw your thread. Wanted to pass on positive thought and lots of hugs for you. Will have a think for some ideas. But for now ((hugs))

MTS - I wish I could be as coherent as you are when you are incoherent!!!

Night joanneg. xx

probably because i am being concise as knackered instead of waffling on it probably reads better than my usual posting style MIAM

night night MIAM - no doubt will be back logged on tomorrow! Got to get mumsnet fix! speak soonxx

Kizzie - I was thinking hormones too - don't know much about it, but someone I know has suffered severe depression since having her dd and one of the main problems was that her oestrogen levels were all over the place. Might be worth investigating this area and asking for a referral to a specialist in this field.

I'm also with the idea of hormones, can it be checked? I have a very bad episode of depression during the summer and I'm convinced it was hormonal, I'm on Citalopram and fearing the withdrawal effect. Is there a way you can have these things checked?

bump

Kizzie, I'm so sorry you're still having a hard time - you were so kind to me when I was trying to come off my anti-d's. I don't have the answers - it sounds like you are doing all the right things, just wanted to say hang on in there.

moo xx

My PND was definitely tied in with hormones, chandra, but no-one has ever seemed very interested in pursuing that route. I would be interested to know if there is a test you can take too. Are you feeling better now?

Hi everyone - thanks for all the messages. The hormone link is definately something Id like to pursue - basically because I didnt have any problems (didnt even really get PMT) until I had all the IVF drugs and then a twin pregnancy.

I definately get worse around PMT time now but it doesnt lift totally when my period starts so not sure how much I can put down to that. (im on Day 5 of my cycle now and things still v difficult.)

I really feel like ive messed things up because I had to take 10 weeks off work over the summer to try and get over the withdrawal problems and then the initial side effects of clomipramine. I feel like that was my chance to get well and Ive wasted it.

I took voluntary demotion when I went back to work so I'm not working in as senior a position anymore but despite that still really struggling.
I think there is definately an anxiety disorder unerlying all this but it hasnt been specifically diagnosed.

The thing Im finding hardest is the total lack of interest/ enthusiasm in anything. Part of me thinks that I should just put up with it because at least I am functioning at the moment - and to go through a withdrawal and then start a new AD, m risking going back to the stage where I couldnt stay or my own or look after my boys.

But on the other hand I know that life shouldn't just be about existing and fighting your way through day after day.

Sorry for going on so much - it helps to write it down.
Kizziex

Marthamoo - forgot to say - how are you now. Hope things lot better.
Did you come off in the end or are you still on AD. I cant remember which one you are/were on now.
Kizziex

Marthamoo, I'm feeling fine, thank you for asking, but this hormonal rollercoaster during and after the pregnancy left me with the idea that I can ruin my life with a bad episode of pms... last summer it went so much above the top that I even asked my DH for divorce, I regret much of what I have said, and I do also regret to have had so many RL people involved, feel very vulnerable now and certainly, very embarrased.

Kizzie, I'm doing fine at the moment - still taking the tablets . I'm down to 20mgs of Cipramil from 40mgs but 10mgs was a step too far. GP says I can try again after Christmas (time of peace and goodwill to all men and major stress for all women )

Chandra - there is no need to feel embarrassed - asking for help is not a weakness. It was a very bad time in your life - and I recall your dh not being too helpful to say the least. I'm glad you are coming out of it now.

Well done getting down to half way!! Definately good idea to wait till after christmas - Im glad you're feeling so much better.
Kizziex

Thanks kizzie - I do hope you find your answers xx