Hi. I don't really know where to start. I don't know if I'm suffering from a mental health issue or not. I will try to explain it and if anyone can relate, I would really, really appreciate it.
I'm 31 years old. I have one child, a DS and I'm married. My marriage is pretty good and DH is a good husband and father.
My DS is difficult. He is 3 years old. Absolutely love him like nothing on earth but I've had some really rough times with him. Think 6 months of my face being ripped, kicked in the head, slapped etc last year when he was 2.5. He's calmed down since then though. He is non verbal and being assessed but this is on hold now because of this pandemic. I worry about the future a lot.
Last week I recieved information that he and many others, won't be receiving the 30 hours funding from his local nursery. It was a disappointment and will make life difficult.
I work and hate my job. My manager is nothing short of a pure delegater and offers no support at all. Things just get announced and everyone has to roll with it. The hardest workers are underpaid with no voice.
I'm furloughed right now but even contemplating going back is a struggle because I've got no childcare or will have very little. I will make it work though.
The pandemic has just taken everything away. A lot of our income, our support, help for DS. I just feel that we are stuck.
Anyway, I don't think I'm dealing with anything that anyone else isn't so I'm struggling with why I keep thinking about dying. I keep thinking that death is welcome and it's scaring me. Like a feeling that I can't carry on because there's no aim, no direction. It is what it is and that's it.
I feel quite happy sometimes so I don't think I can be depressed can I? I don't understand the way my mind is working. I don't feel low and pathetic or like I want to run away because I'm stressed, I just feel like I don't want to exist. It seems to have just came out of no where and makes me feel better knowing I have that option (to die).
Please help me