Strong desire to not exist, but don’t want to take my own life?

[curlyblondey]

Hi everyone,

From the outside, people would probably think my life is great. I’m 27, I’ve got a well paying job, a degree, own my own home etc. But I am so unhappy existing. I’ve felt like this since I was a child. I don’t take any enjoyment from being alive. There is of course the occasional fleeting moment of enjoyment, but by and large, if I could ‘opt’ out of life, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I guess my question is...is this normal? I see others around me, and I feel like they enjoy life and are happy with their lot. This is so alien to me, because I just don’t see a life where I could be happy and enjoy being alive.

Everyone that knows me would never assume I feel this way, and I don’t think I’m actively ‘suicidal’. I would just rather not be here. Does anyone else experience this? Or conversely, is anyone really happy with their life? I guess I’m just trying to gauge what’s ‘normal’. Xx

Hi,
I have a lot of sympathy with your current state of mind. It's a really vicious form of depression called anhedonia (total lack of joy in life). It's far mor efrightening than people might think, because what is the point if there is never any pleasure in life.

I know you haven't asked for advice, but in case it helps you, I'll share how I got out of it.
First: proper self care, regardless of how I felt - so bath or shower, teeth clean, hair brushed, dress as well as possible for the day ahead. Healthy food, vitamin and amino supplements, iron supplement. Yoga, fresh air and exercise, meditation.
Then, most helpful - I did something I've never done before every single day for a year. Didn't matter what - small, easy things or bigger more ambitious things - anything from sitting in a different cafe or ordering a different style of coffee to learning coding, kayaking, another language etc. I didn't feel any different at all for about two months, then realised I was starting to feel a bit brighter, starting to notice some of the new things I'd tried I did genuinely like - a new flavour of tea, a new form of exercise, a different style of music.

I think doing new things might trigger different neural pathways in the brain and some of the new routes might light up the happiness messaging system in the brain (not at all accurate or technical but ykwim.)

This might not work, but if it does, that gradual feeling of pleasure, joy, looking forward to things - it made me feel alive again. If you do it, stick with it for at least six months and don't be too easy on yourself - if all you ever do is try a new shampoo it won't work. But if you end up in a new job, with new friends, visiting a new country, working in a new field, etc then you are starting to live well and make the most of your existence. And that is the best chance you have for happiness some of the time. No one has it all the time.

Curleyblondey, I do experience this. (Particularly at the moment.) I'm not suicidal. I think about just not being here and it's really freeing.

I don't even feel particularly joyless or depressed. I'm a bit depressed but I am definitely able to feel happiness and love. I know I matter to some people but I think I realise that my existence on a global level is not important and it would be much better not to be.

I don't even know how to describe it properly. "I'd just rather not be here" is as close as I can get to it.

I can understand this, I feel the same, not suicidal, but wouldn't actively do anything to prolong my life if I was told I could die.

Curleyblondey, I did a bit of googling just now and people seem to call this 'passive suicide ideation' - I don't relate to that title as the suicide bit is misleading. There seem to be varying degrees of it and not much is known or researched. That makes me think that it isn't very normal or even very common.

I hope you are all right and certainly this has made me think that maybe I need someone to talk to about it. Now seems a bad time for GP appointments but I would like to do that in future.

Monkeyonthetable I really like the challenge of doing something new every day!