I think MN needs a thread for complex trauma/abuse survivors

[imstillbreathingbarely]

Hi, I am in my late 30s and have a background fo complex trauma for which I am seeing a therapist. I have an official diagnosis from the NHS years ago of BPD/EUPD, but I have come to see much of what is driving my issues with anger, emotional dysregulation and panic/anxiety plus addictive behaviour is fear.

My father was a jekyll and hyde person. His moods could flip like a switch and hwoever was in the way got hurt. sometimes physically but more often enough verbally or emotionally. There was a lot of screaming, threatening to kill us, beat us (sometimes for small things like getting wrong answers in schoolwork or soiling pants or making a noise or forgetting tosay please or thank you), shaming, belittling, gaslighting, invalidation etc going on towards my mum, my sister and myself.

I am in therpay at the moment. I had a few years of DBT, (on the NHS) which I still use, and am now having some trauma therapy with a good therapist.

One of the hard things for me to get over has been the emotional dysregulation, alternating with numbness or empty feelings. been using food and self harm for many years, since childhood, really.

The other has been inability to trust people or feel safe with them. I was also badly bullied at school and experienced soem sexual abuse from different people at different times. I do feel am weird because I feel the emotional or verbal abuse has had a worse affect on me.

The 3rd thing has been self doubt. I go from screaming self mutilating anger or fearful meltdowns, often mixed with rage to feeling I cant access my feeelings at all. Therapist will tell me i need to get in touch with those feelings at some point, when am ready- he says he not sure I am?- but when i do try to engage with the abuse and memories or thoughts of it, I have a sense of "what i went through wasn't that bad-" my father himself would tell me that. He was a strongly religious man, would tell me my mental health issues are just my feeling sorry for myself and nothing bad happened to me really." Getting these "Inner voices" and sense of self doubt out of my mind has been very hard.

I think maybe am not alone in feeling this (or maybe I am?) Maybe MN needs a thread fro complex trauma or abuse survivors?

THoughts?

Well done for typing your story out. It's very courageous.

Whilst your story is very similar to mine, I am not at a point to share it but will follow with interest.

There is a very good thread called "we took you to stately homes" which may be of interest.

Stick with your therapy- it's helping me massively right now!

Well done on being brave enough in sharing your story with us. I'm sorry for what you have been through. You do sound a very strong person.

(I am beginning to have therapy to understand my traumas from my past.
I've been told I have emotional dysregulation too, but not sure what it means as it wasn't explained.
However, I am worried about being diagnosed with BPD, as from things I've read online, it seems it is often diagnosed after trauma and carries stigma apparently. Do you feel ok with that diagnosis? You dont have to answer. It is unusual for people do discuss traumas etc, so it would be good to have a thread on this).

Take care

Hi, it is me again. I am the OP. I had a little wobbly moment of self doubt generally and stupidly left MN. Then decided no, I need to stay. I am not gonna keep running away.

Thanks both of you @Someone1987 and @cravingmilkshake

Do I feel ok about the BPD diagnosis? not at first. it did bring me a lot of stigma to begin with. I do think many MH professionals are getting more enlightened about it though. I was diagnosed in 2002, aged 20 and it felt like a slap in the face. I had some pretty unpleasant MH professionals then. But I have had some better ones since. Except my last CPN was awful. Very triggering as she shamed me for having anxiety attacks and refused to believe how badly I was struggling. the DBT therapist was lovely though. Really helpful.

Thanks, will check out the stately homes thread. I just joined a forum called isurvive.org. My therapist mentioned it.

All the best for you both on your healing journeys

I don't know why there is a stigma around EUPD. It is a natural reaction to prolonged trauma and neglect as a child. We never learnt normal emotional responses as they were totally skewered from a very young age. Our e/r were (mal) adapted in response to the constant dangers in our environment. Our environment was abnormal and we learnt to react to that.
The feelings of emptiness are understandable too. We were unfed, unnurtured and unsafe. We are left as adults with no "centre", no sense of self - a big gaping emptiness - like having no feet on solid ground. In my case, I felt a puff of wind could blow me away. In my 30s I physically had to look in a full length mirror to check I existed. With that total lack of "centeredness" came panic attacks which is really just total insecurity or as I call it "no feet on solid ground". I also had severe social phobia. How could I communicate with others when I wasn't there..I was invisible even to myself!
And the rages I felt - the triggers, the perceptions of being slighted, or left out or rejected - I was triggered constantly as an adult. Though I didn't know what a trigger was. I was never diagnosed with anything as I never went to seek help - I was so far removed from myself I couldn't even begin to explain my feelings because I didn't really have any apart from fear and anger. It's only looking back that I realise I had EUPD - I really was that! Emotionally unstable. It's nothing to be ashamed of, horrible as it is. It's a natural reaction to an inadequate , abusive, neglectful childhood.
I could write lots more (couldn't we all!), but I'll end with saying that once I cut off my family and identified the source of my issues, things quickly fell into place. I'm a different person now. Damaged but through feeding myself, firmly grounded and "solid".

@Neverending 2020 that is the best description I've ever read of EUPD. Thank you.
I've read it over and over. Why isn't it explained like that on websites etc.
The stigma adds to the low feelings of self worth that people already have, as the name suggests there is something wrong with you at your core, your personality.
Did you ever seek help for your feelings?
Sending love your way

@ImStillBreathingButBarely2 well done on coming back, that takes strength. There are people here who can try to help and understand and be there for you.
I'm sorry you have had some unpleasant MH professionals. They are all so different in their approach.
I'm currently under the perinatal MH team. Part of me thinks they only care cos I have a baby. But the support had been so hit and miss. Sometimes I think it has made me worse.
I was tempted to go private but it's a bit of a minefield.
How are you doing today?

Another with complex PTSD here. I think you may find Drop the Disorder group on FaceBook an interesting read (there's also a book with that name but I've not read it), plus parts of Dr Jessica Taylor's Why Women are Blamed for Everything too.

These "disorders" can be useful to group symptoms and get help (can also be negative and stigmas attached..) but they're trauma reactions. They're healthy responses to deeply unhealthy situations over protracted periods. They're not something we are born with. They're results of what's done to us - or not, in the case of neglect.

So "disorder" is a term I am not a fan of because it sounds like something is fundamentally wrong with us. Actually something was very wrong with the people who caused this pain in us, and we're experiencing horrible, but healthy, reactions.

I've been having schema therapy and EMDR (same clinical psychologist - not in UK) and things are slowly improving. It's utterly hard, awful work and sometimes it feels so unfair that I have to give up so much of my life to getting over/through the impact and memories of what has already stolen so much of my earlier life.

If there was any justice, the people who cause this sort of pain would be the ones who have to go through trauma therapy!

[quote Someone1987]@ImStillBreathingButBarely2 well done on coming back, that takes strength. There are people here who can try to help and understand and be there for you.
I'm sorry you have had some unpleasant MH professionals. They are all so different in their approach.
I'm currently under the perinatal MH team. Part of me thinks they only care cos I have a baby. But the support had been so hit and miss. Sometimes I think it has made me worse.
I was tempted to go private but it's a bit of a minefield.
How are you doing today? [/quote]
I am feeling a little more relaxed today though I am kind of zonked on diazepam. Quite a nice feeling but I try not to depend on them much. I just needed something.

It has been a relief to get some things off my chest here and in the isurvive.org forum.

to you too @Someone1987, @FattyIDingAsThinny and@Neverending2020.

The drop the Disorder sounds interesting.