Forced abortion

[MousyArtist]

Hi so I apologise if this upsets anyone and if it does I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.

A bit of background information, I had my first baby back in 2016 and me and my partner moved back and forth between my mums and his mums. My mental health has always been bad and unfortunately I admit that I am very easily manipulated- something I’m sure is because I just want to please people. Anyway about 5-6 months after giving birth to my first son I became pregnant again. While my partner was at work, his mother would go on and on about how she wouldn’t have another baby in the house and what was I going to do about the pregnancy. And how I could hardly cope with one child let alone two.
After a lot of this chat from her and my mental health slowly getting worse from all of it, the only option she would accept was abortion. She asked, without me even mentioning anything about it, whether I had booked an appointment at the abortion clinic or not.
I did this because I didn’t want to be kicked out of her home, because I believed from her manipulating that I was a terrible mother and that I couldn’t cope with two children.

I went through with the abortion. While all the other women were in the clinic like nothing was happening I was in tears the whole way through. I refused all pain relief because I felt like I deserved having that pain. I hated every minute of it and wanted to leave the whole way through. I’m not against abortion but I didn’t want it to happen to me. I wanted my baby.

And 6 months after that I tried to commit suicide to join my baby. The only thing that stopped me was my baby I had already. I ended up being admitted to a psych ward. And now almost three years later my mental health is still terrible, though I hide it. I now have two beautiful boys but cannot stop myself from thinking that there should be three. And that’s my fault. I should have been stronger and told her I was keeping the baby. I’m a murderer. And I hate myself that I have to live with the fact I killed my baby for the rest of my life.
And I can’t cope with that. I just want my baby back and I don’t know what will make it better. She, my mother in law, denies ever being a part of it. Although I have learned since that she did this with her other son and his girlfriend too.

I’m not quite sure why I’m posting this. I just want somebody somewhere to know and I just don’t know where else to turn.
Thanks in advance

This is cruel and her attitude is unbelievable.
My heart goes out to you.

I know the pain you feel and time and talk therapies helped me. I am now 10 1/2 year after it. I have bad day but look at my other children and that helps. It took a long time to feel the joy from my children.

When the darkness starts hold your children they are your light

Thank you for answering Flipflop50. It is really hard. I’m sorry you went through something similar.
I do look at my boys and love them to pieces but it’s just hard knowing there should be three.
You kind words mean a lot to me right now

This is heartbreaking to read. Do you think your MIL has underlying issues herself her approach is not normal to offer someone else an abortion it’s not her place and she clearly wasn’t being supportive.

You do need to let it go OP focus on you and your boys and forget about it there’s nothing you can do. You haven’t committed a crime. Are you still with the children’s father?

This broke my heart. That woman is cruel and emotionally blackmailed you. You are not a murderer , you was vulnerable and bullied into it.

I've been through similar OP, and nothing really makes that guilt you feel go away but you have to focus on your little boys and look at the positives in life.

Who knows you may have had the baby , been made homeless and your boy who was already born would have suffered from that, then your mental health could have deteriorated ,so while the pain you feel hurts you you also protected your son and put him first. Sometimes thinking of it differently helps ♥️

We are all here for each other. Please message any time you need it hard when the darkness come. Hug your light from me xx

I went through a almost identical experience when I was 15 my mum had kicked me out and my boyfriend was abusive. I was forced to go through termination alone and sat there quietly sobbing while every other woman was accompanied by a partner or friend or family member. I sat there refusing pain killers like you and just sobbed a very kind woman came over even tho she was having a termination herself and just held my hand and stroked my forehead(I will forever remember her kindness) when I went home I knew something was wrong I was in too much pain and bleeding way too much I knew I was going to die for a week I hid it from my mum staying in bed and wearing Tampa's super pads and three pairs of trousers for if I needed to go down stairs to hide it which I would bleed through in 20 minutes.

Anyway after a week it was discovered I was taken to hospital where I had to stay in a month to repair the damage and I would have died soon had I not gone in. I spent a year in psychiatric services in and out of hospital.

This was 17 years ago and I'm not going to lie I still feel all the same feelings even after all the therapy I had and still feel guilt and remorse but I've learned to live with the feelings and slowly over time the feelings have eased and slowly I move further and further away from what I did and I am generally in a much better place. But I don't think I'll ever get over it entirely. Was absolutely vile for her to do that and personally I've never quite forgiven my mum even since. We are close now and I understand that she just didn't want her daughter tied to a abusive man but I'll never completely for give her.

If you ever need someone to talk to about anything feel free to pm me it will get easier.