Finding myself while married with children..

[Hippymama123]

This is my first post and it’s a bit deep and heavy so apologies!

I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, we have two children 5 & 3. I’ve been a sahm for the last 6 yrs. I have no confidence, my weight has piled on, I have no motivation and struggle with depression and anxiety.

For the past 2+ yrs I’ve been thinking about how to make my life better and me better, I went through a phase of needing a career, extra training, being the best wife/mother and then thinking I’d be better off single as I wasn’t happy in my relationship. Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I need space to find myself and figure my head out and issues to be able to live a happy and functioning life. I truly want to be the best mum to my kids but I’m struggling so much. I don’t know how to live the life I’ve got and work on myself as I don’t know where to start with that.

I’m sorry if this comes across wrong or messed up but I don’t know where to turn. I haven’t put myself first in a long time but to live the life I crave I know I need to! Sorry for the heavy topic but I could do with some advise. Any help? Thanks

Didn’t want to read and run. So, going back two years: what was going on then? And what would the person you were before that point have to say to the person you are now (and vice versa)?

It was probably more like 3 - 4 yrs ago, my youngest was a difficult pregnancy and we were told she had problems whilst I was pregnant since then we've had lots of diagnosis and appointments she has multiple SEND issues and life has been much more difficult. I'm not sure where to get help around these issues...

That sounds very stressful and overwhelming for you. Who is around you in terms of emotional support?

I am facing a similar struggle Hippymama. I gave up my job to be a sahm and since then my self esteem has dwindled. I have always had anxiety and depression and I miss my job in some ways (in other ways not). I feel isolated and lonely most of the time (have hardly any extended family), the job I had dissolved many spare hours and gave me less thinking time as I am prone to overthink. I have a pre-schooler so have plans in place to start some voluntary work of some kind just to get out of the four walls and be amongst people. I also stumbled upon an engrossing hobby which has helped me through a difficult time. I tend to put a brave face on it, probably other than my good friends, no-one has a clue what's going on. As for SEND issues health visitor/GP - would they be a good starting point?

Hopefully, you will get a bit more space when your youngest starts school. I'm both welcoming it and dreading it because I will really have to sort myself out then and my confidence is non-existent.

I recommend the new book Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Which has a quote on the cover from Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat Pray Love (incidentally that book is much better than the film and also worth a read or re-read). I have been feeling the same as you for a while. Untamed is a slightly weird and very American book but honestly there were bits in there that made me sit up and go, ah, right, that’s what I need to do. Eg - Listen to the voice inside me that already knows what I need. And can help me make the next decision and then the next one. And not feel apologetic about it.

Also, if you can afford it, psychotherapy or counselling. Which would give you - if you can get the time away from the dc, an hour a week or whatever - exactly what you crave: time and space to work out what’s missing and what you want and how you might get more of that into your life. And help dealing with the anxiety and depression. Therapy can be a big investment but can be life changing in such a good way if you find a good one. Lots are offering lower cost video or phone sessions just now. Journalling can also help in the meantime or if that’s not practical. Just writing stuff down helps me to sit with my feelings and work out what I need.

Don’t know if that helps but good luck!

Hi Rosamund. Thanks for the info. Please let us know if you come to any conclusions and make any changes.

OP, I second the journaling suggestion - I find it really helpful to get my thoughts out rather than letting them swirl around in my head and weigh me down. It also helps me clarify them and draw conclusions.

And exercise and meditation are great for getting some headspace and feeling a bit more like a person in your own right again. I use an app called Simple Habit which has the usual mindfulness meditations, but also mini courses of CBT covering all sorts of topics like parenting and working out what's important to you, etc.

I have DC with SEND too and it can be really difficult to reconcile the reality of parenting a disabled child with the expectations one had for one's life. It's especially hard when it's not completely clear what the future holds in terms of caring for them and how much support they might need throughout their life. I managed to access some counselling through my local carer's centre, which is massively helpful to consider how my DC's issues impact me personally.

It's still a bloody hard life, but all these little things help to make it bearable!

Also, I've been a single parent for well over a decade and my DC are now teens (split up when my DC were about the ages of yours), so if you end up deciding that you would rather be single, don't stay with your OH just because it seems too hard to go it alone - my life is so much less stressful as a single parent than it would have been if we'd stayed together!

Thanks for all your messages, I've been trying to do some meditation this week which is helping but I have another element to my already busy days and that's my mum is quite poorly and is now staying with me to care for her. Obviously I love her and don't mind this at all but it does add to my strain. I've got an appointment today with a wellness programme although last year when I went through them I ended up not having a good counsellor and she did some damage.

I'm going to have a go at journaling and see if it helps. The exercise element I really struggle with as I've put so much weight on I don't really how to start in a way that will help me. Sorry to sound self pitying etc I frustrate myself!

Longines Prime thanks for your message, I think that's a huge part of it for me is the reality of the situation vs what I wanted my life to look like. There's a sense of loss and also opportunity that I'm trying to wrap my head round!

Craftycovid I'm afraid my support network is rather small. My family is basically my mum and brother, he lives far away and my mum is in ill health. I have got a few friends that are very good but they have their own issues and family etc to contend with!

With regards to dc SEND needs we have lots of professionals and SEND worker involved so dc's needs are being met.

OP, have you had a carer's needs assessment from the council? If not, I'd request one if I were you as you may well be able to access funding for additional support to ease some of the pressure.

I assume the disability services team at the council are already in involved with your DD, but if not, it's worth requesting a needs assessment for her to access additional support.

Re exercise, I use Les Mills On Demand which has a range of 30 and 60 min workouts online, but also breaks them up so you can do 10 minutes of abs or leg toning - which is great if you're having to steal tiny snippets of time here and there! 30 Day Shred is good for beginners too as it's a full body workout and has 3 levels of difficulty (or 4 if you count watching the video and half-heartedly attempting every other exercise, which is usually my starting point..). When you can get out, a brisk walk round the block is good exercise and also helps clear the head.

Hope your mum's ok

I know how you feel to have urges for space, but I believe you can create those feelings without having to be alone for long periods of time. This is why the trend of self-care is popular, taking some time out - maybe just half hour or one hour - to do something that is just for you. Sometimes it's hard to even work out what those things are... and from past experience I can tell you that phone scrolling is not one of them. Find something that really calms you - Reading, writing, cooking, listening to an album you love, a wholesome movie. You need something that really cuts you off so that the stressed patterns in your brain quit whirring for a while

There are also people connected to GP surgeries now called social prescribers - I think it is a new government initiative, from what I can gather they are signposters/offer coaching to access more stuff in the community/education etc. May approach one myself next year.

I just wanted to give a slight update and also come back on here and read where I was at a few months ago compared with now.

I now have a part time job in a school helping out during lunchtimes four days a week and have started college on a Monday morning. These things have shown me I can start doing something for me without the whole world crashing down!

My mum has been given less than a years prognosis.

My relationship with my husband is the same, non existent, void of care or love. I am currently in counselling as I have said any decisions I make regarding our marriage I want it to be after soul searching and not a reaction, but I am concerned that I have been very unhappy for about half our married life. More time needed I think...