Is happiness realistic

[PurpleFrames]

Exactly that really
Is it realistic to want to be happy.

I feel like I'm drudging along with no hope or direction.

What helped you recover from a serious mental health crisis (including multiple hospitalisations)...?

Anxious bump 🙈

I think wanting to be happy is totally natural. I think it is important though the remember that no one is happy 100% of the time. I find rembering that quite useful as I sometimes feel like there is an expectation that anything less than being constantly happy is somehow 'wrong', which I feel is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.

I haven't been through a mental health crisis that has resulted in hospitalisation, but have been through some really low periods with anxiety and depression, including at the moment. The advice I am always given is to be kind to yourself, which I personally find difficult to follow, but when I do it does help. For me, I also remember that I have felt like this before, and that I have been able to recover and feel better previously, which helps me believe that I will feel better again.

I find being kind to myself really unnatural and sort of ikh!

I hope you feel better soon x

I know what you mean! I am so used to my internal thoughts being negative that I feel undeserving of self compassion. But when I stop and imagine that the issues are someone else's rather than my own I can see that actually the critical voice is too harsh. However getting from recognising that to changing how I think is the bit I struggle with.

I hope you feel better soon too.

As pp said happinesses isn't something that stays long term. Having said that I have found that after years of struggling with my MH I have found a background level of contentment/acceptance. So it is absolutely possible to feel better and more positive.

I have accepted I will always have issues, and that it's okay to not live my life the way most people do.

"The Happiness Trap" is recommended by the NHS. It's good read. It gave me a lot of very useful shifts in my own perspective.

I have been previously hospitalised with mental health issues. Since then I have been more happy than I ever thought possible at that time but happiness is a reaction to joyful events/circumstances that fades, it's inevitable. I think long-term well being is more rooted in contentment and acceptance and gratitude (I'm sorry I sound like an patronising self-help book).
It is not unrealistic to expect to be happy no matter how low you have been. In my opinion it is unrealistic to expect to be happy whilst continuing in the same situation/with the same behaviour patterns that caused you unhappiness in the first place.
There's maintenance and you may have to actively manage parts of yourself that others don't have to give a second thought to but then you may be better set up to deal with hard times and difficulties within yourself because you've had to face that full on and find a way through. It's realistic and achievable that you can be happy.

I remember reading that happiness is a journey not a destination. Also harking back to my Eng Lit A level days "Fortune, turn thy wheel" from King Lear.
Everyone has good and bad times. I'm normally a fairly optimistic person but I struggle a lot with anxiety.
When I'm going through a bad patch (I am at the moment) I tell myself this too shall pass. I use distraction techniques, like lots of housework, gardening, cookery, etc. Avoid social media - people like to show off their perfect lives but it's mostly / all an illusion which can create feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness.

Depends what you mean by "happiness"- if you mean full on ecstatic pleasure then no, of course thats not something anyone can sustain long term. None of us feel "happy" all the time- it comes and goes like the ocean. If happiness was the norm then it wouldnt feel so good, it would just be...normal.
That said, constant un-happiness isnt normal either and indicates something that needs to be examined. I agree with PP that I would instead aim for contentment and a feeling of acceptance in your life. Thats much more sustainable long term.
What helped me was positive affirmations and reframing the way I looked at my circumstances- a CBT approach. Lots of books on amazon about that.
Whenever I feel deprived or down or fed up, I go back to the start and affirm all the good things in my life and the things i'm grateful for. It just gets me out of that "everything is shit" mode. Once I start to feel myself shifting, i go for a run, pray, listen to music, or do something I love to bring my mood back up. We all need times when we need to just comfort ourselves and wallow a bit but dont let it go on too long as its too easy to just stay in that frame of mind.
Positive thinking changes your brain chemistry so its definitely worth looking into and trying- lots of great books on amazon.

The way I see it we should be striving to feel good most of the time. With some times feeling excellent and some times feeling meh. But if you have been feeling bad or terrible all of the time, getting to 'meh' most of the time is actually a big accomplishment. For me when I've been through a bad period, feeling anything other than terrible is brilliant but I tend to obsess that I'm not 'happy' still. There is no magic that can take you from terrible to happy. But you can get from terrible to bad from bad to meh from meh to good and then to good with smatterings of excellent, but you will always have bad days within that. It's just that your baseline mood will have changed, so you don't automatically go back to terrible every time

it is unrealistic to expect to be happy whilst continuing in the same situation/with the same behaviour patterns that caused you unhappiness in the first place.

And if the op's difficulties are caused by trauma, or chronic illness, or a life limiting diagnosis? How does blaming her for things outside her control or telling her to change an intractable situation help there?

It's simplistic and unhelpful to attribute all mental suffering to faulty thinking and behaviour patterns. Although doing so might have helped you with your own circumstances or might give you a sense of safety and control ( "if it's my fault I at least have the power to change it") it's not fair to apply that to others. The reality is we have far less control over our lives and suffering than we would wish. But that's frightening.

Not all suffering can be magicked away with a bit of basic CBT. The real world does not work like that. What helps one person will not help another. Just because something helped or worked for you in your circumstances does not make it universally helpful or applicable to everybody else.

Most things are transient. Practising noticing when feelings change and how they change (e.g. By labelling in the moment or keeping a daily diary of all the different emotions you've experienced) can help some people start to tune in more to the better moments as well as the painful ones, which can in turn lead to feeling more hopeful about the world.

When life is or has been consumed by pain it can be hard to notice fleeting moments of joy or excitement or hopefulness. Or to feel safe trusting them to come back again if you do notice them. Spending time labelling each emotion as it rises and falls can make it easier over time to give more weight to the happier parts of your life and prioritise decisions that create more opportunities for them.

It may also help to be aware that negativity / pessimism has a protective function - when life has been harsh to you pessimism protects you from the pain of raising your hopes and then being disappointed. It's different for everyone, but being aware that negativity is your brain trying to protect you and is not a fault to be chased off can help - whether because it allows you to be more compassionate to yourself, or allows you to notice that sometimes you do feel positive, or allows you to take more risks to experiment with consciously testing a positive instead of a negative...

And if the op's difficulties are caused by trauma, or chronic illness, or a life limiting diagnosis? How does blaming her for things outside her control or telling her to change an intractable situation help there?

Jesus it was trauma and chronic illness that led to my hospitalisations and my job is supporting people with life limiting illnesses. But thank you for pointing out that these things exist.

I think if we had an actual conversation we'd see were on much more common ground than you think. I don't think things can be magicked away with a bit of CBT and I have never blamed anyone for their problems.

When life is or has been consumed by pain it can be hard to notice fleeting moments of joy or excitement or hopefulness.

Thanks for informing me about a life consumed by pain like I wouldn't know what that felt like.

I also agree with you that negativity is a normal reaction and can be protective.

Just because I have improved after some truly shitty decades don't lump me in with the crowd that underestimate pain and trauma and mental illness. I stand by what I said, it is realistic to be happy. Otherwise I'd be writing off everyone that ever experienced those things as I wrote myself off once, you can't really believe that? That people with difficult past experiences can never be happy?!

I'm not one of those people who find safety in a sense of control or need reminding the world is random and cruel and there's nothing you can do about it, but I used to feel that the fact these things had happened meant I could never be happy, they would always have happened and I could never remove the stain and I would carry them with me bla bla bla and I couldn't love in a world that was so random and cruel. The next decade or so has proved me wrong in many ways but it wasn't just time it was change.

I don't think any of the people I work with who have life limiting illnesses would agree it's unrealistic for them to find some happiness within in their situation. Imagine if people treated them on the premise that was true - how awful that would be. There'd be no point in interaction with friends or families or the parts of the world that are joyful for them because it's 'unrealistic' to expect them to be happy?

I think you can find happiness in a traumatic world with a traumatised brain. I think you can find happiness in a world that is random and unjust and cruel. I think you can find happiness even though there is loss and grief and devestation. I think you can find happiness in a life that is ending too soon.

@xiphisternum

I work in mental health and I agree with you.
CBT isnt a "cure all" its about empowering people to feel positive and able enough to take action to change their lives and circumstances.

Telling people they cant do anything about their circumstances and that their only choice is to remain negative is an appalling attitude and is exactly what keeps people stuck in dysfunctional thought patterns. Negative thinking leads to catastrophising and anxiety- both of which makes everything 100 times worse. Anyone who thinks CBT or changing your thought patterns is about "blaming yourself" clearly knows nothing about it because thats not what it is about at all and indicates a grave misunderstanding of the point of CBT.

Thanks everyone for their input.

I've actually been told not to do CBT as there is evidence for how I feel and the Dr thinks it could actually reinforce certain things.

For example if every time I have sought help in a crisis I have been treated like a time waster- then I'm not going to approach those same resources for help as it's retraumatising. There objective evidence I'm right there. But obviously isolating from services won't help long term.

Atm I'm seriously considering either running away and a quick od in hotel or a forest or something. I just want to be free.

Has your Dr recommended something instead PurpleFrames? It must be very difficult seeking help if you have previously had bad experiences, but with the right support you could feel so much better. X

I found happiness after long term problems once I stopped using that as the goal it was so far away from where I was at the time I was just setting myself up to fail.
I had some self compassion based therapy which helped immensely.

You don't expect someone with a severely broken legs to be able to run a marathon a week after the casts come off. No one would even consider suggesting it yet we put the same expectations on ourselves with mental health crisises.

I decided that I could put up with low levels of depression and anxiety so that was my goal. Some time after reaching that I thought maybe a neutral mood would be possible, then slightly happy, now I have found happiness. It was a slow progress but it has been more sustained than when I was pinging between very depressed trying to be happy for a few weeks and then crashing back down or cycling up into hypomania.

@Winglessvulture
Not really- they are of the opinion I am too depressed/hopeless for therapy to work. I just have to wait to feel better (!?) before they'll accept me into any programme.

@Superscientist
I can really relate to the setting yourself up to fail idea. Thanks for explaining the levels x

Hello there Purple, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We hope things start to feel a bit better for you soon, Purple.

I suppose for any therepy to work you need to, believe it can work, . What have you tried. My ofh tried counselling and antidepresents. Actually what helped was changing his job and doing a course he wanted and finding a hobby he enjoyed. He now has a physical condition meaning he can,t work or do his hobby, so he has had to find new ones. TRied cBT for but wan,t right for him and his condition. (but more complicated then depression.)

I also don't have 'just depression' I have several trauma related conditions.

I have tried cbt, CFT, mindfulness, 1 on 1 therapy, art therapy, meds x5, changing job, not working, volunteering, moving house, support groups.

Sounds like you have had a really tough time of things op.

I can relate with this...had been suffering from depression since three years due to some traumatic events in my life including death of my mother...it was unbearable as it is when it was just psychological...now diagnosed with a condition that doctors say does not go away but can only be managed with strong steroids am feeling so hopeless and tired.I was offered a few sessions of talking therapy by my GP...that did not help.Currently doing a MCBT program which does not seem to be helping.I am just tired of fighting on mental and physical levels...