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Mental health

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Original poster

I desperately need advice please

11 replies

spellbound · 22/09/2007 10:49

Does anyone have any experience/advice to offer on childhood/teenage depression? Our son, just turned 14, seems to be suffering. Over the last few weeks he's lost interest in everything, doesn't want to meet up with his mates, doesn't want to go out anywhere and is now refusing to go to school. There doesnt seem to be any trigger - I honestly don't think there's any substance abuse going on - I think this is genuine depression and school phobia. The school thing seems to be a big factor (though he can't specify anything wrong - no issues with friends/problems in class etc). He just says he doesnt feel he can be himself, he's putting on an act the whole time. At home he's no better though, he's hardly speaking and just seems very flat, with occasional bouts of crying. I've booked an appointment with the doctor and talked to his teachers but I don't know what else to do. I'm scared for him - 14 seems so young to be feeling so hopeless about life. I think he's scared too about how he's feeling. Please help.

OP posts:

WotsZePoint · 22/09/2007 11:04

So sorry, no advice I as mine are pre-teen so no experience, but i will bump

hope things get better

girl/boyfriend trouble?

sfxmum · 22/09/2007 11:36

no experience sorry but wanted to keep bumped

but thought this might help

also SANE the charity might help

wishing you all the best

vacua · 22/09/2007 11:41

hi there, am really sorry to hear of your son's unhappiness - my daughter was just a bit younger when she started to have similar symptoms but it is still not clear whether her depression is primary or secondary to her eating disorder. The school phobia was serious too.

You are almost certainly doing the right thing by going to the doctor who will probably refer you to camhs (child/adolescent mental health), you'll need backup in case the ewo decides to make an example of you by attempting to prosecute for non-attendance. We've had family therapy, which they seem to roll out as a one-size-fits-all response here, art therapy and psychiatric consultations. I think we are making progress but it's complicated by various factors.

Is there a history of mental health problems either side of his family?

vacua · 22/09/2007 14:41

a good resource: young minds

ChantillyLace · 22/09/2007 17:29

My dd2 went through this when she was the same age, she's now 18 and thankfully worked her way through it but even now she says she can't put her finger on what was really bothering her. She says she just felt different and that she didn't fit in. At one stage she was self-harming and that turned out to be anxiety caused by bullies that noone knew about. Has your son got other siblings? Always found that the best source of info was through her older sister. It was her that dropped the hints of the 'cutting' that was going on.

It is a horrible age to go through, so much is happening to their minds and bodies and if they are in the slightest different, be it clothing or music taste or just behaviour, then school days can be hell.

Look up some of the links that have been suggested, let him know you're there for him whatever and try to get the balance of making him feel secure at home without you making him feel smothered cos it will just add to his depression.

Are there any family members, uncles, male cousins etc that could have a chat? There may be absolutely nothing wrong with him other than he is a 14 year old, but if there is an underlying problem it needs to be outed, but it probably wont be you he wants to tell.

Good luck, let us know how you get on, it's an awful thing for him to go through but it's very hard for mum too! My heart goes out to you and makes me quite teary thinking back!

time4me · 22/09/2007 17:43

Try CONNEXIONS they will help.Good Luck

NappiesGalore · 22/09/2007 18:18

i could cry reading your op.
i was like your ds at that age. no-one helped me. (i dont blame anyone, maybe i was hard to help... i dunno. is hard to see from others' pov as i was really very wrapped up in my own.)

'putting on a act' rings so many bells. still feel like im doing that now.

anyways, point is; i think you are truly deeply wonderful for trying to help. and for some reason i cant quite fathom, i am profoundly grateful to you for it too.

i wish you and him the best of luck on the journey...

Original poster

spellbound · 22/09/2007 19:53

Thank you for your replies - it makes me feel better just knowing that there are others out there who have some experience of what we're going through. DH and I had a good talk about it this afternoon. We've talked to the school and they've agreed to send work home for DS to do over the next week. Rightly or wrongly, we feel it's best to take the whole school anxiety thing out of the equation for the next week. Last night things reached a pitch - at midnight DS was sobbing and hysterical and we honestly were scared he might run away or something drastic. So we've negotiated a timetable of work for this week while we take stock. Have also shopped for a week of extra nutricious meals and we're going to involve him in cooking them. DH took him out for a walk this afternoon and it's generally been a better day.We're going to keep telling him we love him and are here for him, but at the same time try to move things forward - obviously the out of school situation can't be long term. Please keep talking - it really helps.

OP posts:

ChantillyLace · 22/09/2007 20:19

The out of school thing sounds like a wonderful idea wish I'd actually thought of that when we were going through it!!! A week or two away from the school regime may well tell you so much about what is bothering him. If there's a huge improvement then maybe there is a problem at school he prefers not to share, and if there is no change then hopefully (though not necessarily) you can rule out any aspect of school being a problem.

The whole cooking idea is so simple but so important as he will feel an integral part of the household and going for a walk with dad is also good cos if they can develop their friendship it may be something that he decides he can talk to dad about.

You sound wonderfully supportive, you obviously love him deeply and again I am in tears thinking of how heart-wrenching this whole thing must be for you!

I will continue to watch and reply to this thread, if at any time you wish to contact me through email or messenger, if you just feel you need a little more 'shoulder to cry on' support I'm here. Not an expert, but a mother and one who has been through this with one of my children.

100% behind you and waiting with interest for the next report.

NappiesGalore · 23/09/2007 09:51

spellbound, youve brought a tear to my eye again... i think you sound like the most wonderful parents ever. truly.

whne i was going thru it, i still went to school... i liked school. it was where my friends were. it required me to wear my 'face' and was a distraction from the panic and misery. sadly, this masked the turmoil somewhat... and was prob part of why i didnt get help. the effect on me was to stop doing my work. at school i was allowed not to work as it was clear i understood and had 'gotten' the lesson... and i was well behaved, not a trouble maker. but homework? forget it. it was when i was alone (so anytime i tried to do homework) that the misery was at its worst. i couldnt see thru the tears let alone do the work. so i stopped doing it. this was misunderstood... and i basically jus failed... teachers and parents tried to get me to do it - to fulfil my potential - but they all missed the point and i was too confused to tell them.

thank heavens you and your dp/dh are so much more in tune with your son.

wurlywoo · 23/09/2007 10:30

I have only just read this thread, can I just say that your ds is extremely lucky to have such loving and caring parents that are not afraid (or dont seem to be) afraid of dealing with this head on.

If only I had such wonderful parents as you when I was of a similar age struggling with every part of my life, particularly at school beacsue I am deaf and felt so different from everyone eventually I turned to self harm when I split up with my 1st love.

He has stability with you as his parents and he needs that, he is probably searching for answers just as much as you are. As much as finding the trigger is the key, for now the important thing for him is support, and for him to know he isnt alone. You say that he seems to be scared to talk about it, this is probably because he simply doesnt know where to start and his head is most undoubtedly going to be very confused and cant make sense of it all.

Personally I feel that until he can begin to talk about any issues he has with how he feels about himself this proabably isnt going to be resolved easily. Being 14 is diffiult, pressures at that age to "fit in" are so prominent and even if he doesnt know what the trigger is at the moment I suspect it does have something to do with that and his school environment even though he may not want to admit it through embarrassment.

Has he mentioned anything of these lines about how he feels about himself?

I am really sorry that you are going through this, it is difficult for all in ths situation. I am sorry if nothing I have said has helped and I truly wish you the best..

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