Lockdown really bad for child related anxiety

[anxietymum]

I am having a particularly bad day today, but generally coping badly with lockdown. My anxiety, fur which I take citalopram, has always been directed at my children and parenting. I have three, aged 8, 11 and 14 and homeschooling and being with them 24/7 is really not helping.

For example, today I am panicking that youngest is behind in maths, and can't tell the time, middle cries at everything and that generally they all find it difficult to settle at much beyond screens or Lego. And that they won't do music practice without being asked, are mean to each other, etc etc. The thing is, I am blinded to any good stuff and panic that it's all my fault and I'm a crappy mother who has allowed them to watch far too much telly. I am a notorious perfectionist, and generally give up if things aren't perfect. You can't do that with parenting and I find life such a battle. I only relax when they are all asleep, and these days that's pretty much my own bedtime. I panic mainly that it's too late now for me to actually be a good mother to them because I've wasted years being anxious and not being present for them. Plus, I'm irritable most of the time, another thing I panic about irreversibly affecting them...
Any words of help?

Hi op just wanted to say you're not alone, I can relate to a lot of what you say. I've lived with anxiety for a long time and have 3 kids. Some days I'm really irratable and dont have the energy for homeschooling then I worry about dc falling behind. I've been trying to be kinder to myself, we're all in a strange and stressful time just now trying our best.

I only survive by getting some time to myself when dh finishes work to recharge. I also only feel relaxed when they go to bed. Dh works long hours so it's a long day looking after 3 dc and running a house. I find getting a walk by myself first thing in the morning greatly helps. Try to get some time doing something for you and dont be so hard on yourself

I have three kids the same age as you OP. I’m in Scotland and my 14 year old has started her Nat 5 courses (roughly the equivalent to gcse) and now I’ve been having sleepless nights worrying about her. How am I supposed to teach 8 subjects at that level? But I also try and remember they are all in the same boat. And try and remember to have fun with them. Watch stuff that can double as educational. I’m watching a House Through Time with one and say it’s a history lesson. Is it possible to have time with them individually? I have recently started going on walks with them individually. Also, can you go for walks on your own? Or a socially distanced one with a friend? You need your own time too. I was okay at the beginning but I’m finding it harder and more worrying the more they are missing in school. The very fact that you are worrying about them says to me you are not a crap mum. Hugs.