How to process anger

[123newyear]

Does anyone have strategies for processing anger? I was abused as a child and into adulthood.

I'm now estranged from my family but I have so much anger at the way I was treated. How do I process that anger?

I feel that I was treated very unjustly and, because of the way I was brought up, accepted awful behaviour from others as I didn't know I was meant to be treated with kindness and consideration. I had an awful abusive relationship in my 20s with a nasty piece of work and I'm just SO angry that I put up with it all.

Does anyone have any experience of processing anger and what worked for you?

I really recommend speaking to this helpline www.rasasc.org.uk/. It's open every day of the year. It's only open at certain times of the day and it's not always possible to get through but when you do you get 40 mins with someone who really understands. I always felt better afterwards.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this with no support. I and some other survivors have set up a website to support other survivors here warriorwoman.blog/.

There are some resources which we have found really useful here warriorwoman.blog/useful-resources/

There are also some self care tips here warriorwoman.blog/self-care/. One of the things I did when I felt angry was listen to a playlist I had created. It was full of lots of angry songs; it was my court playlist. You can see some of the songs on the link above. They really really helped.

Are you working through this alone or do you have support? I think part of the process (which I am still working through) is feeling and acknowledging those feelings that it was not safe to feel then.

Sending you lots of love.

Thank you. I wasn't sexually abused and I'm sorry if you were. I was physically and emotionally abused by my family and teachers. I was bullied throughout school. The abuse by my family only ended a few years ago (I'm now in my 40s), when I cut contact with my family.

I'm not isolated. I feel a lot of anger and it keeps me awake with rumination. I don't know how to process the anger. I need to acknowledge it but I don't know how to make it go away, if you see what I mean. I don't want to suppress it as it's there for a reason.

Thank you for the links and for being kind.

That should read: I'm now isolated.

From a personal point of view, I've found my anger goes hand in hand with fear. I grew up knowing that I was in physical danger every minute of the day. As an adult, many people have described me as angry, rude or aggressive. It was a revelation about a year ago that the threat wasn't here any more, he'd been dead for 25 years. I still retreat into my fear/anger state frequently as my marriage is horrible and at a very basic level I don't feel safe.

@123newyear I could have written your post. I have gone through/go through exactly the same. Looking back I think for years my severe narcissistic upbringing left me with EUPD. I didn't know it at the time but looking back from a distance I can see it now.
Whilst I was voiceless and terrified around my abusers, my repressed rage and anger spilt out in other ways and with the wrong people.. Although I knew the word "trigger" I didn't comprehend the meaning or understand that I was constantly triggered each and every day - the smallest perception of "not being heard", feeling rejected not feeling respected would trigger overwhelming feelings of pain and rage. It was only during my own growth and development after I cut my family off, that I understood this and my over the top reactions. I was desperately sensitive. The unacknowledged pain so very deep.
With the understanding, I became stable and don't have these extreme reactions any more. Very occasionally I am triggered but I automatically realise where this is coming from and am able to calmly rationalise it and understand where it is coming from.
And yes - I ruminate a lot. I go through periods where I relieve my childhood experiences with the knowledge I now have and I fantasize about how I could have changed the past in hindsight. I have irrational anger towards myself that I did not understand the abuse sooner and thus dealt with things differently, thus changing the outcome of where my life is now. Crazy I know but I find it hard to accept the truth that there was nothing I could have done to protect/save myself, as both a child and the resulting broken adult I became.
I hope some of this makes sense. It's terribly difficult to explain!

When you feel anger it is a call to action. It's a signal you need to DO something about the emotion. Some respond with hitting things or people, breaking things, smashing things, shouting. But many also respond to feelings of anger by fighting social injustices or getting their voice heard in court. By writing articles or blogs. By fundraising and protesting and donating money to charities. By volunteering.

How many times have you heard somebody say "That makes me so angry I have to do something about it."

Fear is similar. If you are afraid then you either go into fight or flight. You run and hide (flight) or you do something about it (fight).

I imagine you have both fear and anger. Use them. Remember your feelings of fear, get angry with the people who did that, and find a way to change things.

Or keep pushing it down and it destroying your sleep and peace. Unfortunately that is the choice

Without wanting to sound like a walking cliche, I found a meditation app really helpful for limiting the ruminations at least a bit. (I use Headspace and they have some free resources at the moment for corona). I am so sorry your family and school didn't make you feel safe and loved as they should have done.

@123newyear

I hear you. I had a similar background to yours. Yes, in my case I did have some sexual abuse but by far the most damaging abuse was the verbal mental emotional abuse from my father which started as atiny child and went on into adulthood. well into adulthood. I am in my late 30s and it has not been long since it stopped.

For me the issue is I cannot feel angry about the abuse. I get angry a lot and in inappropriate ways- self harm, getting very angry with people, wanting to smash and break things. other times I feel like I cant get to the anger- I know it there but every time I try to "feel" it over the abuse my head tells "it wasn't bad enough, you are making a fuss." And I feel I can't "feel" anything- sometimes I want to cry but I rarely can.

The weird thing is, In my late teens, I remember gettign very angry with my mother over why she didn't stop him, why was she not leaving him, he treated her like crap as well. wose than me. But she kept minimising it and making excuses.

apologies for derailing the thread- I felt I needed to get this off my chest somehow. I am in therapy but he tells me he reluctant to go to deep with my pain whilst in lockdown when he can't do face to face with me. He says I need to get my emotions better regulated first- tend to get anxiety issues quite bad and have a diagnosis of BPD. I have not met many people with simialr story to ours in respect of the abuse carrying on so long.

All the best on your journey

@Dowermouse

From a personal point of view, I've found my anger goes hand in hand with fear. I grew up knowing that I was in physical danger every minute of the day. As an adult, many people have described me as angry, rude or aggressive. It was a revelation about a year ago that the threat wasn't here any more, he'd been dead for 25 years. I still retreat into my fear/anger state frequently as my marriage is horrible and at a very basic level I don't feel safe.

yes, same here. labelled aggressive and rude but really it like a constant anxiety attack