Living in hell

[starsparkle08]

I’m currently living in hell. I’ll try to condense as much as possible . I have ptsd from being raped multiple times in previous relationship( my sons dad) he was emotionally and physically abusive also . I left him when my son was 6 months old . ( he has no contact )He is now coming up to 9 years old . My son has autism adhd and learning difficulties and attends a specialist school . He requires 2:1 support at all times as has extreme challenging behaviours and sadly has harmed people many times ( adults and children ) I am finding it increasingly hard watching things get worse before my eyes. He tries to strangle me and hurts me multiple times a day . I feel I want to finish things and end my life before watching anymore of this. I’m getting so many flashbacks from my precious relationship multiple times a day whilst doing random things like wiping the floor etc .
When my son was last at respite I made a plan to end my life and I have the means in my home ( I won’t say what a assume this wouldn’t be allowed) I have written my son a note which I still have . I got interrupted before I was able to follow my plan so am still here . I’ve confided in my sons social worker , my sons psychiatrist and they contacted my mental health team and my psychiatrist phoned me. I’m now on an antidepressant , mood stabiliser and she’s added in a antipsychotic. Plus I’m to take diazepam daily for a month or so . I feel like it’s a lot of medication but at the same time I’m in no position to not try as I’m rock bottom. My sons psych and my psych are planning to discuss me over the phone and I’m partly worried they will want me as an inpatient . I’ve recently walked to a railway line whilst feeling I was floating above myself and sat by the line ( over a footpath) for a long while . My sons psychiatrist said this was depersonalisation/ derealisation . If they did admit me which I would refuse and sectioned me I have no one to care for my son . My life is just such a mess which is why I feel I’ve come to the end of the road and given up

Please talk to us here. We will listen and we will hear you. You sound so down but also angry. Angry at why your son is like this, angry that his behaviours take you back to an horrendous time. It is ok to be angry. You obviously still very much love your son - and he loves you. But you need to speak to your Psych. If they want to admit you, they must feel it’s the right thing for right now to start healing the pain so you can get back to being your son’s momma bear. 🌻

So sorry to hear you are struggling OP. How are you feeling this morning? Forgive me if this is the wrong thing to say but have you thought about residential care for your son? I can't imagine how much you are suffering.

It sound like you could benefit from some time apart. An inpatient stay might not be true worst thing if you are continuing to feel like this.

Do you have any help from family at all with your son?

If you went in as an inpatient, they'd have to find somewhere for your son obviously, but it can be alright if you have people to visit to break up the day for you.

I have no one to look after my son as none of my family can sadly cope with him.
The thought of him going anywhere in the country makes me feel awful if I was unable to look after him ( if I was to go to hospital )
Residential care has been briefly touched upon ( not at all wrong thing to mention ) but it would break my in itself as I would feel even more of a failure .
Life just feels impossible and it keeps coming constantly

I feel completely for you. You are not alone in how you are feeling. Every emotion you have you cannot feel guilt for you have been through so much. The best news is you've got rock bottom. It cannot get worse from here. You can only go up. One day at a time. I know my friend who went into a psychiatric hospital it was the best thing for her. She went in extremely suicidal traumatised from abuse from a previously relationship. We were told that she would come out a new person and I didn't believe it. She tried to commit suicide so many times in there but they do 121s so someone was always with her. Eventually with medication she got better. One day at a time. She was more motivated played games with us went for walks when she was allowed out and after 6 weeks she was a whole new person like the doctor said. When she was out she had visits from doctors who checked in and was offered counselling. The issue with today's world is there is so much stigma attached to medication and psychiatric hospitals but when I saw the transformation in her I would send her in again 100x over. You need to get better and stronger for your son and if it means spending time in a hospital where they CAN help you whether it's giving you strong medication or counselling please accept it. Because had my friend not have she wouldn't be here today and life for all of us would be different. Medication is amazing and hospitals are and if you've hit rock bottom and want to end it what have you got to lose? You won't lose your son he will be looked after. Social workers HATE separating families they use it in extremely abusive situations. You seem caring and loving but just need time to get better which is ok.

You need time to get treatment for yourself and your son and you could well benefit from being apart for a while. Don't blame yourself! Life has been very unfair to you and I am sorry for this. Was in the same boat with one of my children but had family support it made all the difference. Please take on board going inpatient if you are this ill. It may make all the difference. What are you feeling is very classic and 'normal' in terms of someone who is truly ill and needs intensive treatment. I so hope you can get that.

Op, you’re looking at this all wrong. It’s not a failure not to be able to keep caring for him in the home, the failure would be not doing what’s best for you both.

My sons friend has a disability that they struggled to care for him at home, he needed to go into care, because it was becoming dangerous and a tragedy could have happened. Honestly the boy is so much happier and so are the parents, they visit, face time him constantly, and have him home for basically trips (with his two Carers ), take him out etc and do different things, it’s been so much better for them all not to Be living under such difficult conditions.

Your role as a parent is to do what’s best for both of you. If you need some time out, either temp or perm, then do what’s right and stop beating yourself up over it. 💐

I’ve got a multidisciplinary Child in need meeting virtual meeting mid June ,
I still don’t no the outcome or if both psychiatrists have spoken yet so worrying about That
Mental health team have given me a support worker now that once in contact with me will be able to see me weekly . I’ve received my new prescription so will pick that up tomorrow.
My son got in from school ( he’s going in due to the complexity of everything ) and I feel like I cannot be bothered which is just terrible

I think you yourself needs to get well, things have got too much and you’ve gone into depression. This isn’t unknown for this to happen. The stress alone coping is enough.

What about if ds goes into respite care for a few weeks, just till you get the meds into your system and psych and yourself see an improvement. You could always say visit ds after your feeling able to cope.
I can not imagine the stress you are going through, just 1 child with no sn’s can be a handful. So what your going through with ds
Wow no wonder you can’t be bothered
You just want to lay down, and all this be gone.

Before you were feeling like you are
How was things with ds? Could you manage him?

Sounds like you have been trying your absolute best and it's time for extra help

This is not a bad thing at all

Can you ask for the mid June meeting to be moved forward?

Any friends you can reach out to who can help over the next few days?

So many of us have felt this way

Please know so many care for you and there are fab non judgemental professionals ready to help ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

You need to be cared for too. Your life is important too. It's like on an aircraft, they ask adults to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to children. This is a bit like that. You need to get your needs met first. To be honest, given everything you have on your plate, I'd be surprised if you weren't cracking up a little bit to be fair. What's not fair though is you continuing to suffer. Life should not be like that. Your little man might benefit from a change of scenery! Who knows! What I do know is that you need help from someone, somewhere. If that's a week in a hospital, so be it. Your life is worth something.

Thankyou everyone for your replies and kindness , it really means a lot.
I’ve been given a support worker who will see me or phone me each week so hopefully that will help a little.