Can I just have a handhold? Please?

[StewPots]

I don't want to talk about coronavirus, or lockdown, or shielding or rights and wrongs of things.

I just need a handhold because fuck me ive had some shit to deal with in my lifetime but this last 3 months has been hell and I realise I need to be on my own thread to just talk to people on :(

I nearly lost my dad to coronavirus but he battled through but has now been diagnosed with bronchiostasis and pulmonary fibroids. Tomorrow he has an oxygen machine being fitted in his house, and he is to remain on oxygen 20 hours a day. Plus he is now on regular amounts of morphine to ease symptoms. But he is poor health anyway, and we have had a frank discussion about the fact he will die, probably very soon. He is 76.

My friends have had various shit they've been going through - I have been a support for a distance and online to them. This has been going on relentlessly for weeks now and I feel like I'm drowning in the stress and negativity and being the one to sort everything out.

My DP is about to lose his DM to cancer. This is the worst since I can't see him to comfort him.

Everything is now overwhelming me and my own MH is starting to suffer. Badly. I have contacted my own resources for this and they have been helpful. But today I had another load of messages from friends needling my help and I can't turn anyone away. I need a hug and to feel loved and safe, because right now I've never ever felt so alone and at the end of my rope.

The only reason I'm here and will stay here is for my DC. I won't do anything. Doesn't stop me thinking about it.

I'm a good person. I give and give and give so much to everyone and that's fine. But I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok, to keep calm, to stay the course I don't even know what I want starting this thread.

Just please someone anyone I need someone not RL to stop me from spiralling .

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I feel like I've been on a knife edge for a lot of lockdown so you're not alone. Are you on medication? I think you need to be brave and tell your friends you can't support them right now as you're having trouble of your own. You need to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. It's ok to be "selfish". You don't have to reply to those messages even.

I'm not attention seeking either. I'm genuinely reaching out to strangers who may give me a different view or not expect me to talk to them and turn my issues on to them which I find my friends are doing - not intentionally at all, but it's still exhausting that I have things I need to get off my chest but I don't get given the opportunity because another crisis has happened. I'm not minimising their issues either - everyone struggles and has it hard I get it. But no one is listening when I say I'm struggling and I'm finding it hard and my life is actually really shit right now. And I feel I can't say anything as my job is to support others - so I just need an outlet :(

Thank you @chew I'm sorry you are also suffering and yes I think you're right but I don't want to upset anyone or Make them feel they don't matter to me because they do, of course they do. But I think they expect me to wave my magic wand of advice to sort their lives out everyday and I can't do it always.

It's ok to say to someone "i love you dearly but I'm really struggling myself, i can't help you right now". If they were any sort of friend they'd understand and hopefully listen to you for a bit.

One thing though - how sure are you that you've said clearly that you're struggling? because one of my worst problems is that I think I am screaming loud and clear that I need help but actually I've spent so many years covering up what I really feel that nobody has the slightest idea that I'm not ok.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal maybe you have a point there :/ but then my friends have called me saying they know I'm struggling, so I start offloading for a few mins then with sometimes it's over an hr or more focusing on their issues. It's exhausting and I'm just always seen as the one who can help anyone through anything - I have done so in the past, some real awful stuff.

But right now I just can't take any more. Today I listened to my mate for 30 mins about her DC poor eating habits and how she can't do her regular exercise classes still. The start of that conversation was " spoke to my dad he's on o2 pretty much continuously from now on" so we had a very brief chat about that before it was onto her. This is repeated by several mates either via call or txt every single day.

Ok - so once you've chatted about yourself, she starts talking about herself - "oh sorry I've got to go, someone is at the door/dc needs me/left the oven on/got a doctor's appointment" whatever it takes to get off the phone!

You don't have to be their sounding board. They're shit friends - but they're doing this because you're letting them. Letting them go on about themselves will do your mental health more harm than just saying "sorry not today". if you need someone to talk to urgently, then I have used the Samaritans and shout in the past which is the text service and they have been brilliant when I've been at crisis point. Better that than talking to friends who don't really respond the way you need them to.

it's a real shame that you can't rely on your friends. Even if you just had a chat about what TV you've been watching or books you've been reading that would be better than them just talking about themselves for so long because so much negativity will drag you further down as you've been finding. I know it's hard when you're already struggling but but is there any friend that you have that won't just offload on to you and that can be relied on just to have a nice cheerful talk? Like just talking to them just cheers you up instantly? If so phone that person. Just have a nice chat and take your mind off everything. I guarantee it'll cheer you up.

As for the rest of them, don't answer the phone and don't reply to their texts unless you want to. just because they have messaged you it doesn't mean that you need to instantly respond and get into a massive back and forth with them. You're not at their beck and call, you're not their counsellor. If youre busy, let them wait.

I had a couple of friends like this at the start of my mental health problems. even though I never used to talk about my own issues I got fed up with listening to theirs. I was doing all the arranging meet ups and stuff. So I decided to stop contacting them to see how long it would take them to contact me first. Im still waiting!!

Thank you @chew yes I think you're right absolutely. I am a sounding board for everyone as I'm so approachable and have life experience so that means people they feel they can come to me. It works in theory but then reality is I can't take on everyone's issues in one go.

I had a fair weather friend for 15 years who was a lot worse than my other friends combined. I was always there for her, counselling her for hours but came to realise it was clearly a one way street. The start of lockdown my dad became ill - she knew, not once did she message to see if I was ok so I decided to get rid. I wasn't rude but just asked her to not contact me again and that I had my own stuff to deal with now. It felt terrible but then as the weeks went on I was relieved.

I think taking a former stand as you say is the way forward and to let go of the guilt. I too have used Samaritans and shout before plus my own crisis team they are all great in their own way. I've found them incredibly helpful.

Thank you so much for your advice and taking the time to reply to me so thoroughly - it means a lot that you took that time to do it