Is this depression?

[thatpinkbox]

I have no idea if I'm depressed and that's skewing my thinking, or if I genuinely need to end my marriage to be happy. Sorry for the long thread.

I would say I've had a tendency to be negative all my life. From when I was a teen I recall frequent episodes of crying for no apparent reason, and I found it hard to let go and enjoy myself. It's like I always held back. If a group of friends were getting drunk I was the one being sensible and worrying about getting home, the proverbial party pooper.

After I had my first child I felt dreadful, and it took until he was over a year old to realise it was PND. I went on seroxat, and although it levelled out my moods and relaxed me, I wouldn't say it made me happy...it just kind of made me numb, but able to function. I can't remember how long I was on it for, maybe a year or so. My second child was born a few years later and I went on it again after a month as I recognised the signs. Anyway after a year or so I decided to come off them as I felt like I'd lost my personality almost, I did it gradually and seemed ok.

I have had many periods of time when I've felt very low, my mood is also affected a lot by hormones I think. I've tried hard to do all the recommended things to try and deal with it, eating well, exercising, fresh air etc, and I get by. I know I've had happy times, but all I can see are the bad times at the moment.

What I've noticed though, is that I fixate on my husband (married 24 yrs) and all the little things that I normally tolerate become magnified. I literally spend all day being annoyed at him for minor things. The way he slurps his tea gives me the rage, the noise when he eats (he eats with his mouth closed but seems to make a lot of noise!) the way he leaves doors open all the fucking time. He really isn't a bad person, but I'm finding every single thing he does massively annoying. I don't know if it's him who's the problem or my state of mind.

Obviously lockdown is not helping. I cope with low mood by arranging nice things to look forward to and we are very limited at the moment. I'm bored of doing nice things in the garden, and local walks (like everyone else I'm sure).

He said to me today that it's like walking on eggshells living with me, I understand why. I don't ever talk to him about my true feelings, I've become an expert at hiding them and letting it all out when I'm alone. I know he doesn't believe in depression as an illness, he just thinks I'm a negative, grumpy cow so I don't think he would be supportive. Other people have commented on my negativity aswell so maybe it is just me.

I know I need to address it, either by leaving him or if it's depression, by seeing a doctor, but I don't want to go on ADs again. I just can't see the wood for trees at the moment. Are there any good online resources that I could use, maybe to help me think clearer, and establish where my issues lie? I would prefer something interactive rather than just a load of stuff to read. If you got this far thanks for reading.

Have you tried doing the mood assessment test? www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mood-self-assessment/

I think this might give you some idea whether you do have depression.
Being annoyed at noises can also be a condition called misophonia, but you mention being irritated at other things as well which can also be a sign of a depression.

Your needing to leave a party because of worrying about getting home signals anxiety to me, you May possibly have anxiety and depression. Do you worry a lot?

There are lots of apps that can really help and some are very interactive, some are text based counselling/therapy.
Moodpath/My Online Therapy are some to name a few.

I know you say you don't want to do AD's just yet, what about St. John's wart? You can find them at Holland and Barrett's or online. If you have anxiety you can have something like propanolol which are not AD's they're Beta Blockers but work really well at stopping the physical anxiety.

Have you found anything that distracts you from your negative thinking? A hobby?

I wouldn't say I worry a lot no, in fact I'm very level headed. I feel like I get cross very quickly though.

I've hardly ever talked about how I really feel, to anyone. It's like I'm putting on an act a lot of the time.

I've just done that questionnaire and got 4 on the depression score which is quite low, and 6 on the anxiety. That's weird. I have had a couple of occasions in the last two weeks when I was crying uncontrollably and felt panicked, so I think that's why that score was higher.

I know how that feels. I do exactly the same.

When you feel low is it just a few days at a time? I think because you can arrange to do nice things and look forward to them, it would suggest it's not too severe if it were depression. Or it could be an indication of being generally unhappy in your relationship too.

Do you think ending your relationship would make you feel better?

They're quite low scores to be honest. It could be another mental health condition causing your low mood.

I can feel awful one day, and wake up fine the next, or it can last a few days. I do wonder if it's hormonal fluctuations, I did have a Mirena coil fitted which has sorted my periods but clearly not sorted mood swings.

I’m a health professional OP, and also someone who has had intermittent depression/anxiety throughout my life. I would think about one of 2 options if I were you. Speak to your GP about how you’re feeling-they could discuss options for treatment with you and in particular counselling. However the waiting list is likely to be long for NHS counselling. The second option is that you could consider just paying privately to speak to a counsellor. They may be able to do telephone/on line counselling at the moment. It may just help you to figure out why you’re feeling the way you are.

I wouldn’t recommend making any big decisions about your situation regarding your dh at the moment as it’s not quite clear whether he is the issue or whether there is something deeper going on.

Good luck OP.