Advice for dealing with bulimia in lockdown? (TW)

[namelesslady]

Hello all, name change as this is very personal. I don't really know the purpose for this post but just wondering whether anyone has experience with illness or has managed to recover from it?

I have struggled with bulimia for 3-4 years, very heavily for the last 2 years (multiple times per day every day). I am at a point now where i want to stop. My health and my bank account are really suffering and i don't want this to be a part of my life anymore.

The problem is i cant resist the urge to binge! especially now i have nothing but time on my hands (have been furloughed) and being stuck at home is SO triggering.

I can make it maybe 2 days at a push but mentally it is EXHAUSTING. I think about food 24/7 and every minute is a fight. Every time i try to distract myself by doing something else (walking, cleaning, listening to podcasts etc.) it just becomes a way to kill time...i'm still thinking about eating and nothing gives me any sort of joy like engaging in my bulimic behaviours. I inevitably give in and that restarts the cycle for another week until i manage to resist for a day again etc. etc.

I can only ever fight the urge for a little while, but i end up getting so unbelievably irritable and tearful...i cant relax until i eat to the point of not being able to swallow another mouthful. And then the guilt and fear of weight gain leads to the inevitable purge. Even when i'm eating 2000+ calories of good, whole foods split up into 4-5 meals the urges are through the roof, so they're definitely not stemming from deprivation.

I want to recover but i am also so scared that this is going to be my life now...killing time and fighting myself every moment of the day forever. Not really enjoying anything i do and knowing id rather be eating. Food diaries dont help. Journalling doesnt help. Therapy in the past hasnt helped (granted my heart wasnt fully in it at the time). Talking to loved ones doesnt help. Exercise doesnt help.

I feel like im too far gone and this is just it for me now.

I am so tired of it all. Any advice?

I didn't want to read and run.

I suffered from bad bulimia in my twenties, I remember so clearly the daily trauma, the urges, the purges, the shame and the terrible damage I was doing to my body. For years.
Food diaries never helped me, they only increased my obsession. Journalling helped to some extent but ONLY with some powerful therapy and psychiatric help. Bulima is a bastard of an illness, and a powerful addiction. I have been free for many years but it took all the strength I had, and crucially, a lot of support from those around me. And time.

This is NOT just it for you now. You are unwell, and you can get better. But you need to fight damn hard to find the support you need. DM me if you want to.

Just wanted to say that this must be really tough for you. I had bulimia in my late teens and early 20s and was only able to stop when I had finally accepted that I needed to do something about it, and with specialist support from a therapist.

As part of the process I read the book 'overcoming binge eating' by Christopher Fairburn - not sure if you have read it but it might be somewhere to start if you can't access some more personal support?

I had bullmia from age 15 to 30 ish I stopped because my health was getting worse. My teeth, acid in stomach amongst other things. That and towards the end it u knew I needed to before I became seriously ill, I have never really spoken to anyone about my bullmia. I did have some counselling which really helped. Perhaps that might be a good point to start? X

I Knew #