I need to offload, I'm struggling

[jaychops]

I don't know if I'm depressed, or just bad tempered and a bad person. Sorry this will be a long one.

I'm early 30s, married, with a 4 year old and a toddler. At the end of last year we had an unplanned pregnancy which after weeks of tests ended up being a MC for which I had surgery on Xmas Eve. I felt ok about this as it was unplanned, we don't want a third child, but it was a difficult few weeks. After 2 difficult pregnancies and postnatal depression, this year was supposed to be the year our lives really started - we had special trips and holidays booked to really treat the kids.

During lockdown, I felt down because I missed my family. As lockdown is easing, I feel anxious about doing things I don't want to do. I don't like my in laws - I've enjoyed not having to face them. My dad isn't in the best of health and I've been able to go into denial about this with not seeing him, but now I am, I'm nervous about facing it. I'm becoming extremely anxious about health related matters and I'm frustrated that my husband is drinking every night and eating a poor diet, when he's usually fit. I'm too attached to my parents still and worry excessively about losing them. Most of my grandparents died in their 50s and 60s and time is just ticking away.

I feel worried that my 4 year old who is starting school this year hasn't had any education at home. DH is WFH so understandably isn't able to do many structured activities with them. I work in the NHS and our service has been restructured to be a 7 day, am to evening service. Morale is low and I'm frequently close to COVID patients. I'm scared and tired. I'm not overweight but I've put weight on during lockdown and feel unhappy with my body, but I'm too tired to do anything, I'm often getting home at 9pm after 12 hour shifts.

I'm so unhappy and I feel like such a bad person. My DH annoys me, he tries so hard with me and is so patient, I feel guilty. My house is a mess because the kids are always here, I just can't keep up with them, they are whirlwinds. I feel like I can't ever get time to myself because my DH is always with the kids so it's him who needs the break - at least I get to go out to work. Everyone is irritating me, I am so irritable.

I'm always anxious and on edge/jittery and I wake up in a panic every morning. I previously took citalopram but it didn't help me so I stopped taking it a few months ago now.

I don't know what I am expecting by writing all of this - I just need to offload. Thankyou for whoever has managed to get this far. How can I feel better? How can I become less emotionally dependent on my parents?How can I be a better mum?

You have a lot on your plate. No wonder you are anxious. You just have a lot on your plate and you are really hard on yourself. Take a load off and you will feel a lot better. You are doing amazing. You don't have to see your in laws if you don't want to right now. Take it easy one thing at a time. Say you have a cough

You work for the NHS around covid patients too. That is so scary. Bless you.
Please find a way to be kinder to yourself.

I didn’t want to read and not reply. Have a read back through all you’ve written - you’ve had and still have an awful lot to deal with. Be kind to yourself and also give yourself a break. Your 4 year old won’t be the only one who has had no education; they will most likely get on fine at school. It’s hard to keep the house today at the moment - I know it can get to you but it dosnet matter. I also work in frontline services and it is so stressful - the constant risk of exposure to Covid 19 is constantly on my mind. My dad is poorly too and I get the fact you don’t have to face up to it now and that’s ok. Life will start to get back to normal, just try and take each day at a time.

Op l think you are bloody wonderful just doing the job you do, add in elderly parents and dcs and well it all gets a bit too much understandably.

As you have a lovely DH, could you ask him to take dcs for an hour once you get home from a shift, and you get to take a shower, and listen to a guided meditation for an hour before you start to deal with home life?
I guarantee after a few days you will feel massively calmer and less anxious.
I know you don't want to ask DH but currently your job alone would floor your reserves so it is very, very important to take this time for yourself and know that however hard your day you have a pause for an hour.

You will be a better mum, wife, daughter and much calmer person for it...DH will think it worth it l am sure

You are not a bad person, and I totally get why you’re needing to offload.

Out of all the things that are bothering you, I’d suggest writing them in a list of priority for which are the ones most upsetting and see what you can let slide.

I know you say dh is the one who needs a break from the kids when you’re home as he’s wfh, but I think you both need to carve out some time to have time off. Is that possible? Even just half an hour away from everyone in my bedroom I find helps me to destress a bit and feel a bit better.

I think you’re amazing, and thank you for doing the job you do. Adding everything else in from your op on top of the worry about being exposed to Covid-19 would push my stress levels in to overdrive!

Could ads be beneficial to help you through this time? I’m on setraline and it’s really helped me.