I feel stuck and I don't know how to fix it.

[PurpleChevron]

I have struggled with my MH for as long as I can remember. Life has never been particularly easy or straight forward for me. To everyone on the outside looking in I am a happy, bubbly person but in reality it's all a front - although it does work well as a distraction as often I start the day off feeling awful and pretend i'm OK and my brain forgets that I feel like crap. I am also quite honest with people about feeling low but they never really take it seriously because they don't really see that side of me.

I was on anti depressants (Citalopram) for a while years back but they really didn't agree with me and made matters much worse so I have been very reluctant to try different ones.
Before lock down I was desperate for a break from the constant battle of every day life and I really was convinced I would feel amazing for it. In reality I am just stuck in another negative cycle, still feeling the same shitty low feelings.
I struggle with constantly thinking about killing myself (I am not suicidal, I have witnessed others take their lives and seen the way it rips a family apart. I could't put my kids through that) but it seems like my brains default mode is to just say "you should die" or when something is going wrong "I wish I was dead" The only thing I can liken it to is OCD but thinking about horrible things. It's exhausting.
When my brain isn't thinking about death I become obsessed or fixated on other ridiculous things - be that compulsively binge watching a box set or intricately planning out a DIY project (which I will have no energy or motivation to complete)
I had a phone consultation with a self referral mental health service and was referred to see someone face to face about this but I have been waiting since October. I did contact them to chase it up but was told I just have to wait- there is a long list and given no idea what so ever of when I will be seen.
It is awful living like this. I have no energy for anything, no motivation. I make simple lists of tasks I need to complete but I can't bring myself to do the things, but I have no idea what is stopping me. There are lots of things in my house that drag my mood down which I could do something about but I don't. Its like an invisible force holding me back.

I don't know if i should go back to the GP and try and get put on different anti depressants, i would rather try and sort this without taking pills but I don't know how much longer I am going to be waiting for help. I worry that I will wait for the therapy and it won't help but I am also worried about any bad effects from AD's. Last time they nearly pushed me over the edge. My GP isn't the most sympathetic person either so I am not sure how open I would be with him.
The constant thought of death is really awful to live with, i have no intention to act on it but it weighs heavy on you when that is what you think about a lot of the time.

I am not really sure what help anyone can offer. I just wanted to get it all off of my chest as no one in real life apart from my boyfriend really knows the full extent of it.

Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? I think it would really suit you because you seem so self reflective.

@Plumpi I did it a few years ago and it did help to some extent, mainly with understanding what was going on in my brain and rationalising it and also with distraction techniques.

Would it be too expensive to have private therapy?

I would happily look in to it - I just don't even know where to start. What kind would I need to see?

Start researching psychotherapists in your area who offer online/zoom sessions?

They’d need to be BACP accredited, you can google professionals in your area.

ok thank you. I am having a look and there seem to be a few. I will try and contact them.
I am so tired of feeling like this. I wake up feeling exhausted every day. I feel totally hopeless and I just want to feel normal. I hate myself and what I have become.

Please go back and try other antidepressants. I tried a couple before I found one that suited me, they have changed my life around. Depression is awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I think as a previous poster said you should try a different AD. Sertraline may work for you - a lot of SSRI's may make anxiety/depression worse at first and there might be physical side effects. It's worth sticking to it for at least three months if you can - Diazepam, short term, alongside can help. There is a 'Sertraline buddies' thread on here.

Change GP as soon as you can if possible.

Psychotherapy will help but is very long term.

Forgot to say that there are private psychiatric hospitals and a Doctors but it will be £££. Try any of the Bupa ones.

I have found a few UKCP accredited psychotherapists who charge £45 per hour which I could possibly afford.

I am very nervous about going back on AD's. When I was on Citalopram it turned me into a zombie and I was genuinely scared I was going to kill myself. It made everything 100 x's worse.

I went out for a bit today (which is pretty good as I have been struggling to leave the house) and treated myself to a drive thru costa. I felt a bit more human but the moment I set food back in the house i felt crap again. At least the coffee will give me a burst of energy to get stuff done.

Sorry, this may be off base but I wonder if your symptoms also fit burnout? Depression has a higher profile, but I always think with mothers who never get a break, burnout is also very likely and the symptoms are similar. Here's a website with some advice.

www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm

I struggle with constantly thinking about killing myself (I am not suicidal, I have witnessed others take their lives and seen the way it rips a family apart. I could't put my kids through that) but it seems like my brains default mode is to just say "you should die" or when something is going wrong "I wish I was dead" The only thing I can liken it to is OCD but thinking about horrible things. It's exhausting.

I just wanted to say how much this resonated with me - as did much of your post. I came to understand that my suicidal ideation fitted the ‘compulsive thoughts’ Element of OCD that maybe isn’t as well recognised - I use some OCD strategies that really helped. I Also found Sertraline better than citalopram and it is supposedly more for anxiety than depression (not sure how much store I set in that but I was willing to buy into it!).

I really feel for you though it is horrible to live the way you describe. I don’t have any solutions but I can only say that this year is probably the first year in a long time I don’t feel the way you describe, in the end I think the most beneficial thing for me was having a super structured job (school) that meant I didn’t have to organise my day. It took about two years of slowly coming back to normal but i do think it so possible for the clouds to lift, as it were.

I was going to say a similar thing to PP, as you mentioned OCD. A friend of mine has been told by his doctor that he has the O bit of OCD, I think he called it Pure O. I’m not sure if it’s an official diagnosis. He has started some ADs, which has helped him a lot.

Thanks for the replies. The mention of Pure OCD (which I have never heard of before) is really interesting and I am reading about it a bit now. Some of it really rings true.
I went out today and saw my family which was really nice and a positive distraction. Then I got home and realised I hadn't thought about killing myself all day and couldn't think of anything else- thankfully I am in good spirits and I am just chuckling at my brain and how silly it can be. Hopefully after a day of fresh air I will sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

I am still in 2 minds about speaking to the DR about AD's. I looked at a few threads on here about people taking them and it looks like it can get worse before it gets better which really frightens me.

I also thought of pure O when I read the OP. Good luck, I hope you get to the bottom of things.

I don’t think you are alone at all with these thoughts. I never ever used to get thoughts like this but I do but I don’t want to do it, the thought pops in my head.
I know what you mean about the AD’s, I tried citilopram a few years ago and that’s when I realised I wasn’t depressed because the tablets actually made me depressed.
It was horrific and binned then after 5/6 days. So awful.
If your anything like me, you are stressed by trying to work out if there is anything wrong with you when there probably isn’t.
Lockdown and the state of the world at the moment is affecting everybody and because we are all at home all the time, we are trapped in our heads.
It’s awful but I’m ready to change how I think, I’m going to try really hard to not be introspective and focus outward.
We can still have self care but the focus on the thoughts needs to change. They are not real and have no place in your head.
Bloody hard work to change how we think but please know you are not alone.

Hello Purple Chevron,
How are you doing?? Did you go back to your GP... or did you change your GP because that sounds like a MUST!! I've been in a similar situation and I can't work out if it's situational or if I do need help in the means of medication. But like you, I'm anxious about feeling worse on them because I really do not need that right now. I want my stagnant feelings to disappear and want to feel the happy smiling content person that I used to be. I'm starting a new job in afew weeks and even though I managed to have a successful interview and so worried that how I'm feeling will get the better of me and I won't be able to hold the job. And I've just realised I've banged on about myself 🙈 so sorry. How are you doing now? Did you bite the bullet and try different Ads? Hopefully hear from you soon.... 😊

Hi Op, I have come through some of what you describe. I have inattentive ADHD and when I wasn't on top of things they felt physical and led me to depression. Anxiety is just a feature of life for me that I have to manage (too much worry in childhood and now I have a health condition). The not being able to get going sounds a lot like low dopamine. Feeling suicidal is awful too . Going out for a walk every day will honestly help you to feel a little better.

I take 10mg citalopram, which is not officially a therapeutic dose but it helps with anxiety and focus without side effects. I agree with PPs, sertraline feels totally different, having tried both. I also tried mirtazapine for a week and didn't like it. Slept amazingly, but had a massive appetite which was counter productive for my health condition.

Hyper focus and obsessions are a feature of adhd which is what made me think of it from your post. Anxiety, ocd, adhd etc. are all related under neurodiverse conditions, and lots of people with adhd feel depressed as they feel they can't seem to do things as easier as others. For me acceptance was key, simplifying life, doing things at the time when I have energy etc. Also setting myself deadlines for making decisions.

I was prescribed adhd medication, which helped so much and gave me some confidence back, but the insomnia was too much.

Do you take any supplements? I find B vitamins, vitamin D help with energy and mood especially at this time of year. Also if you google dopamine and serotonin rich foods and see what snacks or meals there are, I find diet helps a lot with concentration.

Lastly sleep! My goodness I had bad sleep for ages and just managed to reset my routine and it has made a world of difference.

Just realised it's an old thread!