Hi. I’ve just read a similar recent thread to my problem- it’s my neighbours who need help, at least I think, and I need some advice on whether to stay out of it or try to help, and if I try to help, where a good place to start is.
Before I explain the situation, let me just say that I have no reason whatsoever to think there is any physical abuse going on with my neighbours, from what I can tell it is all verbal/mental. Not that this makes it better, but I do think it makes a difference in approach.
So basically, next door there is a family of four, husband, wife, 4yo daughter, 2yo son. They’ve lived here longer than us and have always been really friendly and lovely, all of them, to our whole family. They are well liked in our building. From the outside, the kids seem a bit of a handful, but that’s normal!
Our bedroom shares a wall with their kitchen, in which they spend a lot of time. If their kitchen window and our bedroom window is open, which lately they have both been, we can hear pretty much everything spoken in their flat above a normal talking level. And that’s the problem.
We’ve lived here just over a year, and we do hear the kids screaming sometimes, what sounds like normal tantrums etc. We also have heard the parents arguing from time to time, and sometimes it does blow up into a big fight. We tend to shut our window when their argument gets louder, and go into a different room or whatever, but sometimes even then you can still hear them. From what I can tell, these fights tend to start with the children (one or the other, not usually both) acting up, and then the parents disagreeing on how to deal with it, and then the situation devolves from there. So then you have the parents screaming at each other, the child or children screaming in the background, and it’s just very upsetting to hear, much less be involved in I’m sure.
Understandably, being under lockdown has put a lot of people under increased mental strain, and this is really showing with this family next door. I know the husband normally runs his business from home, but often goes out for work related stuff, but hasn’t as much lately. The wife is a SAHM, and the little girl had started reception this year. Now of course she is back at home.
In passing, our family is friendly with them, the wife and I have each other’s phone numbers and we occasionally text if we need to borrow any ingredients or sometimes she finds a hand me down from her son to give to mine; before lockdown, we would go on walks sometimes with the kids and chat in the lobby. She would often complain about her kids, and apologise about the noise. I would usually just brush it off and say we could barely hear the kids, and kids are loud anyway etc.
One time, she commented that the walls must be really thick, because they never hear my husband and I fighting. I was really taken aback by this- she genuinely assumed that the reason they don’t hear us fighting is because the walls are thick, not because we actually don’t fight (just so I don’t sound like I’m on a high horse here, I want to point out that of course my husband and I disagree, but we don’t ever shout at each other).
Anyway, since lockdown started, the fighting next door has gotten so much worse. Actually, I can’t tell if it’s gotten worse, or I just notice it more because I’m home all the time now. I know the husband is still working from home, because I can hear him shouting at the wife to leave alone between such and such hours, and not to disturb him under any circumstances. I know the wife is taking on the home schooling aspect of her daughter’s education, because she’s told me, and I know she finds it very stressful to have both kids back in the house full time again.
The fighting is almost incessant, starting in the morning and going on throughout the day. I can hear those poor kids screaming and crying a lot of the time as well, the daughter pleading for them to stop shouting. Again, I just want to reiterate that I have no reason to believe anything physical is going on, it appears to be verbal only.
This is getting to be a much longer post than I intended, so I’ll try to wrap it up. Basically, I’m just worried about all of them. I feel that there is a lot of love between the parents, but they are really struggling and do not have any help. I know they love their kids, but sadly I think they don’t have a lot of patience right now and it’s not good for any of them. I grew up in a house where the adults screamed and shouted at each other, and it has (of course) had a long lasting, profound effect on me. I hate to think of those two little ones dealing with this day after day, and of course it’s no good for the parents either.
I don’t know if I should just keep ignoring, or make small steps to approach the subject of them getting help. I’ve mentioned we are friendly with them, but broaching the subject of mental help is very different than asking to borrow some eggs. The family are Muslim, and I have to admit I’m not sure if mental health is a taboo subject within that culture, as it is in many cultures. I don’t want to embarrass them by letting on that we can hear them fighting, I don’t want to make it worse. Oh, I feel like I should mention- both and wife and husband seem to scream just as much as the other, it’s not all one screaming down the other. Sadly, it’s pretty even.
So- should I mind my own business? Should I try to point them in the direction of some help? And if so, where would that be? If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with me, and thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.