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How to respond - advice needed please

6 replies

Brunelofbrio · 27/05/2020 09:12

My neighbour appears to be having a crisis . Hardly surprising; they are an alcoholic who normally spends most evenings in the pub. He is older and single and had always lived with his DM until she died last year.

He is quite reserved ( his mother was a complete recluse). He will always exchange a cheerful hello if we meet on the street, but (after 10 years) we don’t know him at all. He speaks to my DH about practical matters relating to fences etc... but it never goes further. We have always left him alone as he seemed to expect/prefer this.

However, he has outbursts of loud ranting, swearing that go on for hours sometimes. He had been very quiet since his DM passed away ( a blessing she had been very ill for. Long time and was past 90) but the lockdown has been very tough on him - and last night- between the swearing he was begging for help. The gist was about loneliness and I got an impression he may have approached professional services and been rebuffed...

I have no idea how to approach him. Our only go between was another neighbour who had known him from childhood, unfortunately this 3rd party sadly also passed away recently. I completely understand why he is having problems ( and understand the need to rant and rave sometimes) but I am wondering how/if to offer support. And also to ask if he could moderate his language a bit. All the other houses have young families... (Another issue as all of us are out enjoying the gardens of course which may well feel like we are rubbing it in - to him).

He seems to find it easier to interact with DH rather than me (and women in general according to his other side neighbour) but DH is well out of his depth with handling such things (shy himself).

Previously we have written a note ( when DS has recurring night terrors which was upsetting...) which I think might be a place to start? But how to go about it ( would DH joint him across the fence for socially distanced beer be a good/very bad idea??

Any ideas about how to reach out?

OP posts:
Brunelofbrio · 27/05/2020 09:56

Bumping as I think I need to respond today...

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 27/05/2020 12:48

You sound like a lovely neighbor. Could perhaps a good start be- "oh hi neighbour I accidentally bought too much of biscuits/crisps/ice cream would you be able to help use them up" starts a dialogue and not too pressured

thenamesarealltaken · 27/05/2020 12:59

Hi
You might need to seek advice from someone who can offer him support, ie. you initiate it and they could approach him via a call stating that they're just checking on him following the loss of his mother and the current situation. That removes you from it at least at the start.

Maybe he could be encouraged to join some online forums and help groups - if he has a computer. It could be that does that already and that's what the ranting is. But, you getting too involved directly could be potentially problematic for your family. So I would avoid that unless advised otherwise.

thenamesarealltaken · 27/05/2020 13:02

Just to add that I'm not being uncaring, it's just that if he's a bit unstable, he needs experienced support at least at the start. But as the other poster said, sharing cookies is ok after lockdown. It sounds like the guy needs a lot more though.

Brunelofbrio · 27/05/2020 14:01

thanks @thenamesarealltaken do you know what agency might be best to approach. I’m a bit concerned that we have heard nothing at all from him today ( can often hear doors etc through the wall.

OP posts:
CoralHair · 27/05/2020 14:33

First of all your husband just needs to lose his embarrassment. Go round there and knock - or call up if you have his number- and just say 'hey mate, we just wondered if you're ok and if we can do anything to help you out, as there was a bit of noise last night...'
Then see his reaction. If he says he's fine thanks and shuts the door you'll have to take it a face value and then monitor the situation. If he seems a bit sad and wants to converse then perhaps you can offer to get him some groceries or help him with some gardening - Essentially just reach out an offer of friendship / neighbourly support. If he bursts into tears or gets angry and upset, or asks for help, then you can do whatever feels appropriate:

  • Suggest he calls his GP- ask if he wants help doing this as they are doing video appts now
  • call 101 or social services if you deem his response to be a safeguarding issue (for him or your family).
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